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THE KEEP DRAMA ON THE STAGE: WRITING AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL PLAY by ELIZABETH CASTILLO, B.A. A THESIS IN THEATRE ARTS Submitted to the Graduate Faculty of Texas Tech University in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for tiie Degree of MASTER OF FINE ARTS Approved May, 2004 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I would like to thank Dr. Norman Bert and Dr. David Williams for their assistance in all stages of this process. I would also like to thank Radhica Ganapathy for being a friend, collaborater, and mentor. TABLE OF CONTENTS ACKNOWLEGEMENTS CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTION II. THE WRITING PROCESS m. THE PRODUCTION PROCESS TV. CRITICAL RESPONSE AND EVALUATION BIBLIOGRAPHY APPENDIX: LITTLE GIRLS DON'T DO THAT: 1 ii 7 14 25 35 37 CHAPTER I INTRODUCTION 1 don't remember when or where I first heard the idea of an artist having to be in pain. I do know that for several years 1 did everything I could to live the life of a romantic, suffering artist. I viewed my emotional scars as medals of honor just as child views a scabbed knee. I lived a destmctive lifestyle, justifying it by telling myself that it was my destiny. One day I accepted that I could not change my past but could take control of how it affects me by sharing it with people. Even then, I still stmggled to allow my writing to be my outlet instead of the extracurricular activity I had become accustomed to. I decided to write a play that would allow me to exorcise all my demons. A play that would allow me to express all the thoughts flowing around in my mind for years. I was molested as a very young child. I carried the guilt, anger, and fear alone for many years. I didn't feel as if I could or should say anything. I grew up in a maledominated Chicano family in a very small West Texas town. It was a loving family, but there wasn't much emotion out in the open. Theatre was my perfect escape as well as my salvation from the real world. I wanted to write an autobiographical play because I was tired of the anger and the silence I had lived with for years. When I realized that I could write, I decided then and there I would never stop writing. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to take back my life. 1 wanted to give women just like me a voice. There is no escaping my race, gender, and sexuality. All three dictate how 1 see the world and how the world sees me. While growing up, I was part of the racial majority. I had heard stories from my famih' about racism but 1 had never experienced it. It wasn't until I went off to college that I saw just how many white people there really were. I walk into stores sometimes and see how I get treated differently. In some cases, the store employees will approach a white person first. In other cases, they won't approach me at all. Sometimes it amazes me and other times it makes me want to shout at the top of my lungs in order to give people a reason to look at me differently. My family is a fairly traditional Chicano family. My mother handles all the money matters, but my father will always be the head of the household. From a very young age, I knew that I didn't want to clean house like my mother. I wanted to be a welder like my father. On weekends, I dusted the living room and my brother went to help our dad. I have lived most of my life trying in vain to please my father. I was always passed up for my brother. Now, my brother has two sons and I will once again be overlooked because of the grandsons. I hated when my parents' explanation for not letting me do something was that I was a girl. I never understood it, and I never accepted it. I couldn't understand why girls accepted the limitations that were placed on us. My sexuality is perhaps the most difficult of the three to come to terms with. From a very young age it was apparent that I was a lesbian. My family still tries in vain to pretend they didn't know, but there's no way around it. I knew I was different. Something or someone reminded me everyday of just how much 1 didn't fit in. I was reminded regularly that little girls should play with dolls instead of tmcks. I would often climb up high on the mountain where I grew up so I could see Interstate 10. I knew those big tmcks I saw went to far away and wonderful places. I dreamt of the day I could escape. I am disgusted everyday by the stories of same sex marriages that I see on the news. I don't understand what the big deal is. 1 am a person and I should have the same rights as anyone else. It's hard enough to be gay in West Texas and add to that the fact that I'm Chicana. Traditionally, Chicanas serve their men. I will never serve a man, and thus, I betray my culture. The bond my childhood friends and I shared as Chicanas was quickly forgotten once I came out. Some of my friends never said a word to me but they gave me glances, the type of glances that made me feel guilty although I knew I had done nothing wrong. Sometimes I feel trapped in every direction. I feel as though the more education I receive the more I stmggle with the place culture and tradition dictates for me. I love my culture but I refuse to allow my artistic integrity to suffer. I want to say things that are not proper for a young lady to say. Where is the balance? Things have to change evenmally so I might as well be part of that. My biggest fear is that those changes won't come in my Ufetime. This document chronicles the challenges of writing an autobiographical play while trying to maintain some level of sanity. From the beginning drafts to the last draft used in performance, several people were surprised that 1 could expose myself so much to an audience. 1 began to realize I had found my niche. I have the ability to do something many people twice my age and with twice my writing experience cannot. I can write about my deepest darkest fears. 1 want my writing to be honest, and the only way I know to do that is to draw from my own experiences. I set out to find a way to search into my past and harness all the emotional details in order to write a stage worthy autobiographical play. First, I had to learn to control my anger. Then, I had to write the piece and detach myself enough to be able to make it a dramatic work of art.. I had goals in mind to help me know when I was finished with the play and whether or not it was successful. First, I had to write a play that was fiill-length. Second, it had to attack issues such as race, gender, sexuality, and molestation head on. Finally, it had to be produced and get audiences to think. The stmcture of Little Girls Don't Do That is a montage of scenes in the life of Kris, the main character. The play shows how Kris deals with and hides from her past by using standup. I used writings from Bertolt Brecht, Monica Palacios, and Cherrie Moraga to guide me in the process. Brecht used theatre to educate people. He wanted the audience to think and question. "Brecht would like to use the theatre to demonstrate that, in any given situation, a number of options is available than people normally assume" (Mitter 43). Everything about Epic Theatre appealed to me. I knew that I wanted to write a play that was non-linear and that focused on the trip rather than the destination. Monica Palacios is a writer/performer who began her career doing standup in 1982. Her early standup and her present day work focus on her life experiences. Her work was very valuable to me because she is both a Chicana and a lesbian. She feels as though she cannot be one without the other. I feel exactly the same way. I used her play Greetings From a Queer Senorita to help guide me in my writing process. Her play is a combination of two of her autobiographical performance pieces: Latin Lezbo Comic, and Confessions . . . A Sexplosion of Tantalizing Tales. In her play, she tackles issues such as self-esteem, culture, and the destmctive power of silence. Cherrie Moraga is also a Chicana lesbian. She is a poet, playwright, and essayist. She is committed to change. "This is fundamental to my writing. I am not ashamed to affirm that I write to right a wrong, a distorted picture of our mexicana/americana selves" (Moraga 291). I used her essay, "A Long Line of Vendidas," as inspiration and a reminder of why I must follow in her footsteps to continue to challenge social constmcts. In her essay, she openly discusses the role of Chicanas in relation to men and Anglo women and each other. There are two parts of the essay that had a great influence on me. The first is her mention of the silence that plagues Chicanas. It is something we are all too familiar with but hardly ever discuss openly. When my mother had been our age, over forty years earlier, she had waited on her brothers and their friends. And it was no mere lemonade. They'd come in from work or day's drinking. And las mujeres, often just in from the fields themselves, would already be in the kitchen making tortillas, warming frijoles or pigs' feet, albondigas soup, what-have-you. And the men would get a clean white tablecloth and a spread of food laid out before their eyes and not a word of resentment from the women. (Moraga 91) Growing up, I saw my mother and grandmother wait on my father and brother. They never complained, and the men never offered to lend a hand. I was fortunate in that I didn't have to wait on my brother. 1 would have rather been beaten before doing so. I must admit that my anger towards my brother my entire life is due to the fact that I am jealous that he was born a man into a man's world. Although my situation is better than my mother's was and far better than my grandmother's, 1 am not satisfied. I want to see more change. I want little girls and boys to be treated equally. I want to live in a society where it's ok for a Chicana to say. "I'm tired, too." The second part of her essay that caught my attention was the one about the sexual legacy that is passed down to every Chicana. "The sexual legacy passed down to the Mexicana/Chicana is the legacy of betrayal, pivoting around the historical/mythical female figure of Malintzin Tenepal" (Moraga 99). She is also referred to as La Chingada. which translates into "the fucked one." She was the mistress and translator of Hernan Cortez, who conquered Mexico. The circumstances surrounding why she helped Cortez are often forgotten. She was under the impression, like many Aztecs, that Cortez was Quetzalcoatl, the god that was to return to save her people. How does this affect me today? I am often considered a sell-out too because I date white women and because I am educated. It does not make sense, but it does not have to that's the way it's been for cenmries. In the following chapters this document chronicles the writing, production, and outcome of Little Giris Don't Do That. First, I discuss the challenges in writing and editing the script. This chapter also includes more on how I profited from Brecht and Palacios. Second, I discuss the collaborative production process. And finally, I discuss the response the play received and my personal evaluation. CHAPTER II THE WRITING PROCESS The joumey of writing Little Giris Don't Do That began in 1999. At the time that I began to write the play, 1 believed by writing this highly emotional script I would be freed from my past. The first draft was a one-woman show I thought was absolutely brilliant, ft was my first play so I was extremely proud. I let the script sit in my filing cabinet for a little over a year before I looked at it again. This time, I saw the script for what it really was, a bunch of crap on paper. To be fair to myself, the draft was full of all the emotional details that I needed to let out before I began to really be productive. The draft included my feelings that were the driving force behind the play but did not have to be in it. When I first began to write, I thought everything that needed to be said had to actually be written down. I later realized that feelings would come across through action and dialogue. I was trying to feed everything to the audience. In the first playwriting class I took at Texas Tech University, Dr. Norman Bert said that if you keep your intentions in mind while you write they automatically make it into your script. I tmsted him and began to work on the second draft through an independent study class with him. I was aware of the fact that I needed to get a fiilllength script produced in order to fulfill my requirements as a Master of Fine Arts smdent so I used that as incentive to work on the project. I looked at the script very carefiilly and decided I would have to begin from scratch and add some more characters. The thought of writing my first fiill-length play terrified me so 1 didn't do extensive planning. 1 just began to write. Every time 1 came to a point where I thought I couldn't write about all the painful details of my life 1 thought about Brecht. I began to look at some of the alienation techniques found in his plays. I remembered that Dr. David Williams, who is the professor of history, theory, and criticism, said that Brecht was often misunderstood. Some people think that Brecht is trying to be unemotional. On the contrary, Brecht's plays are very emotional. He simply breaks the connection in order for audiences to really see what is happening. I wanted people to see what I had seen all my life. I decided that I would use standup comedy as an alienation device and as commentary. I thought this would not only help me get through the writing process but it would also give audiences a break from the drama. I also hoped that it would create a roller coaster of emotions. The molestation scenes where some of the hardest to write so I wrote them early on. I wrote down exactly what I remembered. These were the only scenes that I did not fictionalize in any manner. By the end of the semester a series of scenes emerged. I showed the script to a friend and her reaction was very encouraging. In fact, she wanted to try to get it produced at a local theatre. Bert advised me to wait. He noted that while it was good it was only the first draft and it had the potential of being a very good play. I decided that he was right and I took the play and once again put it in my filing cabinet. This time it sat in the filing cabinet for half a year. While writing the highly emotional scenes, I found it to be usefiil to listen to Celine Deon. Deon brings out the dramatic side of me. I embraced the fact that I am, indeed, very dramatic. I think that everyone has certain songs that take them back to a certain time or place. I also found it useful to find a nice quiet place like the spot on the mountain 1 used to sit on when 1 was little. I would sit there for about thirty minutes and think about everything that I had tried so hard for so many years to bury, ft would not take long for me to become angry and sad. I would immediately go write while all the feelings were still fresh. 1 believe this is what helped me be so honest. I asked some friends if they would read it out loud for me and give me feedback. The major problem that everyone saw was the order of the scenes. Everyone felt that there was no real reasoning behind the order. One person asked, "What is this play really about?" I realized that I didn't know. There were a million things I wanted to say. I knew exactiy what I felt. I did not, however, know what the heart of the play was. I asked my friends what they thought the play was about. Their replies were the following: parent child relationships, faith and abandoning, abandonment from everything, and things that make us dependant. Many people thought Kris' scenes were too wordy. Kris is the main character and has a large amount of monologues so I really needed to address this problem. Some of the other questions or comments made were: the scenes need to be more chronological; the language is too mature for a five year old; develop the egg scene; there needs to be more ritual in the religious scenes; the scene when Kris finally tells her mom about Eddie needs more development; make the acts separate; the standup scenes should relate to the rest of the action; Kris needs to have some moments of happiness; the father needs to be developed more; and maybe the parents want Kris to date Eddie in order to add more conflict. I moped around for another couple of months trying to figure out what my action statement was. The action statement is one sentence that sums up the change that Kris undergoes throughout the play. I knew that by arriving at the action statement 1 would have a better feel for how the scenes should be arranged. The action statement would help me keep on track. It would also help me edit Kris' scenes. My next draft addressed most of those problems. I had to decide which comments were helpful and which ones weren't. It is interesting to note that only the men had problems with the chronological order of the script. I later realized that women don't always write like men. That makes sense to me. We think and act differently, so why shouldn't we write differently? Feminist writers don't strictly follow Aristotle's rules. That gave me confidence in my choice of stmcture. In the fall of 2002,1 took a Chicano Drama class with Dr. Jon Rossini. I wrote another draft and had a staged reading as part of the class requirements. Throughout the semester Rossini helped me focus on race and gender. He advised me to read something by Monica Palacios. He noted that we had a similar writing style. I used her play. Greetings From a Queer Senorita, as a reference for writing my next draft. Palacios' play also has standup comedy in it. The play deals with issues of race, gender, and sexuality. It served as a great model. Of particular importance were the transitions and stage directions in her play. She transitions from one subject to another very quickly. Sometimes Palacios does it with just a simple stage direction that tells the actor to move to a different spot on the stage. I was afraid that a director or actor would not be able to follow the action of my script. I realized after reading Greetings From a Queer Senorita that I was able to see all the action in my head just fine. I went back through my script 10 and added some small stage directions. Palacios' play is a one-woman show so it was most helpftil in making my standup scenes clear. I began the draft for Rossini's class by reorganizing all the scenes. I put all the scenes that dealt with molestation in the first act and all the scenes dealing with homosexuality in the second act. After reading Palacios' work, I realized that the standup scenes weren't clear enough. 1 went through them adding stage directions when she should pause, add physical action, and imitate someone else. The new order worked really well for the most part. I now, however, ran the risk of having audiences think that Kris was gay because she was molested. I did not want to perpetuate that idea because I do not believe it to be tme. Each new scene I added to this draft was a result of my discussions with Dr. Rossini. He helped me fill in all the holes. Towards the end of the semester a couple of students helped me with the staged reading. The director was Ricky Ramon and the actors were Julius Kaiser, Chris Paschall, Mary Houseworth, and Jennifer Marshal. They gave me several good ideas on how to improve the flow of the script. There were several things in the script that did not make complete sense to other people. They only made sense to me because I knew where it was coming from. I incorporated everybody's suggestions throughout our three-week rehearsal period. I was really appreciative that everyone was so willing to make suggestions. The staged reading was very successful but the script still needed some work. In the same semester I began to talk to Radhica Ganapathy about proposing Little Girls Don't Do That for the 2003 and 2004 lab season. I had to find a director that was willing to direct my play. She was familiar with the script and agreed to look at it again. 11 I chose Ganapathy because I felt that she was perfect for the job. She is very passionate about many of the same things as I. I felt that it was important that the director be someone who could relate to the play. Ganapathy is an international student from India. She is working on her PhD and her tracks are acting/directing and history/theory/criticism. She said that her dissertation will focus on the visibility of theory and minorities in performance. She agreed to direct the play, and I assured her that I would continue to work on the script. We immediately started to work on the proposal. She did most of the writing because she does wonderful scholarly writing and I don't. She made my play sound fabulous and important. She had exactly the kind of energy, passion, and knowledge that the play needed. In the spring of 2003 the new season was announced and Little Girls Don't Do That was included. I felt excitement, relief, anxiety, and pressure all in the span of a minute. There was no backing out now. I knew I had to work really hard to give Ganapathy a finished script before auditions in the fall of 2003. In the summer of 2003, Ganapathy took an independent study class with Williams. The class focused on the visibility of theory in the production of Little Girls Don't Do That. I worked closely with Ganapathy and Williams all summer in order to ensure that I had a complete script. Williams brought a fresh and highly needed eye to the script. In all the preceding drafts Kris committed suicide. Both Ganapathy and Williams felt that allowing her to live was a more powerful option. They helped me see by allowing Kris to die the play perpetuates the idea that gay people are unstable and suicidal. I believe that the reason I had such a hard time seeing that was because I had not personally found closure with my past and I 12 had not stepped back from the project. It was at this point that I was tmly able to begin to step back and approach the story from a dramatic perspective. I began to really think about the play as being inspired by events in my life instead of being about my life. This mindset enabled me to go through the script several more times and trim the unnecessary elements and entire scenes. Williams pointed out that in some scenes 1 didn't give audiences enough credit. I was spelling everything out for them, especially when it came to the character of Juan. 1 either cut or shortened most of Juans' lines so that he communicated more through his actions and silence. I read the script again and reworked all of the scenes that included Juan. When it came time to hold auditions in the fall of 2003 we had a script that we were really comfortable with. I believe the script benefited the most from patience and different perspectives. I think it's really important to know what suggestions will help your script. 13 CHAPTER III THE PRODUCTION PROCESS The production process of Little Giris Don't Do That was challenging and complex. During the process my emotions were all over the place. Sometimes in the span of a single day I felt pain, sadness, acceptance, anger, guilt, and pride. I had to work really hard to control my emotions during rehearsals. I began to have haunting nightmares again. I dreamt that I was a willing participant of the molestation and that I in fact wanted it. I felt gross and thought that everyone would think that I was. I didn't think that it would be wise to allow the actors to see my stmggles. I wanted to be strong but at the same time I wanted the actors to see that this was real. That there was a need to do this piece. I didn't know how to deal with everything I was experiencing and I didn't just want to bury my feelings as I had in the past. Sometimes I had to do just that. I had to choose when I could focus on what the process was doing to me rather than on the process itself I tried really hard to stay strong all week and then I would unload on my non-theatrical fiiends on the weekend. This helped me make it through. From the first auditions through the last mn, Ganapathy was very willing to listen to my concerns and suggestions. I was worried in the beginning that our friendship would suffer. I was scared that we would step on each others' toes. We spoke very openly throughout the entire process about what we were feeling. I now believe tmst is the most important aspect of a relationship between a playwright and director. I could break down in front of her and know that it was OK. I shared everything I was feeling 14 with her. I even shared my moments of doubt. I asked her three or four times if the script needed to have so much of the molestation in it. In my heart I knew the answer but I needed to hear it from her. I knew that Ganapathy's vision as a director would bring to life my words. I had to tmst in her decisions because she had the distance from the material that allowed her to make bold choices. She is the one who decided that the dolls needed to be dropped in the molestation scenes and the dialogue be spoken by Eddie and Kris. I knew Ganapathy would make choices that I would not feel comfortable with. If I was comfortable with what I saw on stage, then it wasn't honest enough. I wasn't comfortable when I was being molested. I gauged the effectiveness of our staging by how sick I felt inside. Although I felt I had enough distance to edit the script, I did not feel as though I was strong enough to really contribute in the blocking process. All I could do is say what I saw and how it made me feel. Ganapathy allowed me and in fact encouraged me to attend every rehearsal and production meeting. It was tmly a collaborative process. I never felt as though this was my project. It was always ours. Auditions for the season were held on September 9, 2003. It was really hard to pay attention to every single person who auditioned. Ganapathy kept me on track throughout the night. I saw several actors who I thought could play the part of Eddie. I saw some actors who I thought could play the parts of Juan and Grace. I didn't see anyone who really impressed me for the part of Kris. Ganapathy called back everyone who we even remotely thought could fit a part. We made it very clear right before the 15 call backs began that we were not looking for someone to play me. I made it clear that the play was based on events from my life and my standup but that it was not the story of my life. There were many good performances at call backs. There were a couple of young actresses who did really well in the part of Kris. Right before Ganapathy released everybody, I asked if Mattie Adamson could read the first standup scene. I thought she did a really good job with the material. I felt as though I had a great amount of influence on the casting. I felt very confident in Ganapathy's decisions and I really didn't say much. We had previously talked at length about what we wanted to accomplish with this production so we already knew what we were looking for. Our first choices were Cleo House Jr. (Juan), Nadia Bodie (Grace), Sarah Tipton (Kris), and Adam Zarowski (Eddie). I knew that we wouldn't be able to get Bodie because she had the opportunity to play a bigger part on the main stage so we cast Tipton as Grace and Adamson as Kris. We decided to go with Zarowski as Eddie because Eddie has to be likeable. He needs to look like someone you can tmst. Zarowski has that wholesome all-American look. Both Ganapathy and I were worried that, because Adamson was an incoming freshman, she might not be able to fully explore the role of Kris. In some respects I felt bad for her. I almost felt like I was pawning off all my demons on her. The fact that the other actors, especially House, were more experienced put my mind at ease. I was afraid of what people would say because we were doing a Chicano play with no Chicanos in it. The fact is that we picked the actors we felt were the best for the parts. I was very happy that we had a least one actor of color. House. 16 After listening to the first read through with our cast, I realized the script needed more work. Ninety percent of the curse words needed to be cut. Williams had pointed that out to me beforehand. My reply to him was, "1 don't want to tone this down just for an audience in Lubbock." Williams suggested that 1 cut them now and put them back in later, for another audience. I realized that the audience was not an issue. My anger was still getting in the way. The more time elapsed, the more I could see what other people saw. 1 got to work right away on cleaning up the script. I didn't think I needed to make major changes anymore. I just needed to make it tight. Ganapathy became my dramaturg. In reality, she had been my dramaturg since she first read the script. She was integral to the process of tightening the script. She paid attention to every last detail. Together we went through the script and sometimes changed the minutest of things like removing unnecessary articles. She helped me make stronger word choices. For example, I changed Kris's line "You are not the victim so stop" to "Stop being a victim." In the first wording it seems as though Kris is saying that she is the victim. That is not at all what I intended. Kris' scenes became much more efficient. I have the tendency to fall in love with the words that I write but, because I had so much tmst in Ganapathy, I was able to see the need to get rid of more things. I had never really worked with a dramaturg before, and now I'm sold. I think that every playwright should find a dramaturg that they can communicate with and, most importantly, tmst. At this time, I also added monologues for the other three characters. House was always joking about how he felt that Juan really needed his own monologue. Once I really thought about it, I realized that the other three characters could really benefit from 17 the monologues. After all, we didn't want Kris to be a helpless victim. We wanted to show that all the characters were trapped by circumstance and in their gender and cultural roles. I used the exercises that Ganapathy used in warm ups as the material for my monologues. She would have the actors pick one of their lines. They would then repeat the line w hile following her instmctions. She would call out different emotions for them to use in their delivery. She would also instmct them to chase each other. This helped me see how the characters reacted to each other under different circumstances. I used the actors' discoveries as the subtext for the monologues. Right away the actors put great tmst into their director. They discovered so many things about their characters. I was really pleased by that. I was afraid that some actors might think that because they didn't have very many lines, they didn't have a lot going on. House and Tipton built full characters. They came up with things I would have never thought about. I was tmly amazed at times. This taught me to tmst my writing and the ability of actors and a director. There were times when I could not attend rehearsal because I wasn't strong enough to watch anymore. I didn't attend any of the rehearsals when the molestation scenes were blocked. Seeing some of my most haunting memories played out in front of me was very painful. Sometimes I felt as though I was being raped all over again. I started to question my involvement once again. I often had nightmares that it was my entire fault. I was afraid I was a willing participant. I began to avoid people during the day. I was afraid that people would think I was gross or that it was my fault. The mask that I had worked on for so many years was being ripped off. People were about to see why 1 was always hiding behind laughter. I reached a point where I wanted to give up. I was angry that I wasn't liberated like Kris. I wanted my life to follow the script, but I saw no hope. I tmly did not want to go on. The one thing that scared me the most was the thought of losing my parents. I told my mother that the play was autobiographical, but she refused to tell my father just as she has refused to allow me to come out to him. I explained to her that all the characters were fictionalized, but 1 was afraid she wouldn't believe me. 1 knew that I couldn't control what she got out of the show. Once again, Ganapathy was there to help. She was always so passionate about what the script has to offer people. She helped me see the importance of not only my work but also of claiming it as the tmth. I was not the only one affected by the material. I could see that some of the actors were also being affected. Adamson had a slight breakdown one night. She was worried that she wasn't doing well enough. It had nothing to do with her experience level. I believe that anyone who plays this role will stmggle with it. We took a day off, and when we came back everything was right on track again. The design team was really good. Ganapathy talked to all the designers beforehand so we had a great first production meeting. All the designers came in with some very specific ideas. I felt a great sense of pride in my culture and the fact that we were trying to be tme to it. Linn Pratt designed the set. She worked very well with our ideas. Ganapathy and I had already decided that we really wanted to use two projections. First, we wanted the image of the Virgen de Guadalupe because she is so iconographic of the Chicano culture, and the image would help create the sense that religion is always 19 looming. Second, we wanted a painting we found that blends tradition and progressive feminist thought. We were never able to obtain permission from the artist to use her work, so Kathy Abbott created a painting very similar to it. Pratt used our ideas and designed a great frame that hung from the ceiling for the projections. She also designed a wonderful table that had several functions. It served as a kitchen table, an altar, and a place to store props. Luis Munoz, who served as our respondent, commented that when he walked into the theatre the table looked like a sacrificial altar. Pratt also gave us several stools. Vicki Ayers designed our costumes. From the beginning she expressed the desire to accentuate the generation gap between Juan and Grace and Eddie and Kris. She wanted to keep the older characters in more traditional costumes and the younger ones in modem clothes. She put Kris in a black t-shirt that said, "Que Viva la Mujer!", which means girl power, jeans, and red shoes that looked like Converse. They were originally Keds but I pleaded for the label to be taken off I didn't feel as though Kris would be caught dead in Keds. Luckily, everyone agreed. I thought it was very interesting that she put both Eddie and Juan in Guayaberas, which are an iconographic ethnic symbol also. They are shirts that have embroidery on them and are not tucked into the pants. Grace wore a skirt and a colorful, traditional blouse. The lights and sound were designed by Zack Elms. We knew that the lights were going to play a very important role in the production. There were some specific light cues written into the script already, and Ganapathy and I discussed putting more in the script throughout the process in order to ensure that we got exactly what we needed. In 20 the end, we got more than what we wanted. Elms did a great job with the lights. There were a couple of light cues in the second act that 1 would look forward to every night. We approached the sound design as we did everything else. We already had some very specific ideas as did Elms. 1 was adamant about including certain Tejano and Norteno songs. Both Ganapathy and Elms agreed. I think the music and sound used in the production added a great deal of emotion and cultural background. It was very dramatic. Mr. Muiioz also commented on the Spanish music. He stated that when he was in the lobby he heard one of the songs come on and he was immediately taken back to a certain time. I watched a lady as she sang along to one of the songs, during intermission, and it ga\e me a great sense of satisfaction. After that night's performance, she came up to me and thanked me. She said she hadn't heard that song in a very long time and it made her feel like the play was written for someone like her. When all the technical elements came together for the first time I was amazed and gratefial to have Tara Roby, our stage manager. We had a lot of cues and every night it was up to her to make sure that everything ran smoothly. Roby was very helpful throughout the process. Her best contribution was her attitude. She had a positive working attitude. She understood that there things that we needed to work out and there were going to be several changes along the way. She tmly, like many of us, wanted to be part of this production. I really appreciated that. The show had a really good mn. We had worried that people would be highly offended and walk out of the production or simply not return after intermission. To our surprise we lost very few people. The general response to the show was really good. I 21 watched the audience during most of the performances. There were several kinds of reactions each night. The molestation scenes were, understandably, the hardest on audiences. Some people laughed a little, while others cried, and still others simply looked away. Each night 1 was very aware that people in the audience were also watching me. I tried to maintain my composure throughout the performance, especially during the molestation scenes. I didn't see every performance. 1 simply couldn't. I sat next to my parents on the night that they came. It was the most uncomfortable thing I've e\ er been through. I don't recommend it to anyone. After the performance ended they left without ever saying what they thought of the show. My dad told Adamson she did a good job and my mother nodded her head in agreement. I'm sure that they will never say anything and that's ok because it is a way of life they are accustomed to. I don't doubt that they think about it. My dad has never acknowledged my homosexuality but he stopped telling me to stay away from boys years ago. I now realize that I didn't have to hide my emotions during the performances. The tmth is that it happened and I still hurt. After the mn we rested for a little bit before beginning bmsh up rehearsals. The play was entered in The Kennedy Center American College Theater Festival. During our little break, Ganapathy and I got to work on more revisions. We changed the ending, ft had always been problematic yet I didn't know of a better solution. I cut the scene with Kris and her parents. Munoz gave me some suggestions during his response. I took some of what he said and blended it with some comments I received from other audience members. I am very happy with the way the play ends now. Muiioz also gave us some great staging ideas. We ran with them. We all feh so lucky to be given another chance to 22 look at the production. We cut all the blackouts between the scenes and allowed the actors to just flow from one scene to another. This made the mnning time shorter and smoother. Mufioz's comments are discussed further in the following chapter. We traveled to El Paso to the state festival in November. It was a very rewarding trip. We saw some really good shows. We performed on the last day and I couldn't have asked for a better spot. The show went well. The audience response was really good. We were one of the shows nominated to advance. In the end, we did not advance to the regional festival, but we still felt great pride in our small victory in El Paso. Adamson, House, and Zarowski were picked to go to regional and compete in the frene Ryan auditions. Ganapathy was also recognized for her directing. She went on to represent the region at the national festival at the Kennedy Center. I am very proud and gratefiil to everyone who made this production possible. I never felt as though I was just the playwright and my job was done. I was always in the midst of things and I loved it. I look forward to working with Ganapathy once again. The production process helped me finish developing the script. I have problems knowing when and where to place stage directions. I wrote down the stage directions of the production I feel are important to the script for future productions. I was also able to eliminate most of the inefficient parts. I must admit that I probably benefited the most from the production process. I see that I am a strong person. I feel confident in my writing. I also feel confident in saying that I am an artist. There is nothing I enjoy and fear more than writing plays. 23 This process also taught me about dealing with the people who see my work. When you put yourself out there people will strike. I don't write to please everyone. I don't think that 1 will invite my parents to see all of my work in the future. 1 am not scared of what it will do to me but rather what it will do to them. 1 know they stmggle with their feelings about me and my work. 1 can't force them to like it. I can only hope that some day the\''ll see what I'm trying to do. I hope they'll see that I don't blame them for all my pain and 1 don't want to hurt them. Before I began to write this play I knew that not all the theatre world would like my style. There have been many productions that I have not liked, but I have always tried to appreciate the artistry in them. There were some people in this theatre department who did not like the script or the production. That does not change the way I feel about them. I still respect the fact that there is room for us all. 24 CHAPTER rV CRITICAL RESPONSE AND EVALUATION This chapter is devoted to all the positive and negative responses the show recei\ed and to my personal evaluation. 1 knew that not everyone would like the show. I don't think there's a point to writing a play like this one if you're not going to challenge the social constmct which continues to imprison us. I continue to stmggle with the expectations of religion, gender, race, and sexuality. I believe that people become comfortable sometimes so someone has to step in and shake things up. The critical responses are from newspaper articles, audience members, members of the Texas Tech faculty, and other theatre professionals. Newspaper Reviews The Texas Tech University Daily pubHshed two articles on the play. The first article was published before the play opened so it gave us great publicity. I received a phone call from the writer, James Eppler, asking me for an interview. I immediately called Ganapathy and asked her if she would come with me. I didn't want to be the focus of the article. I wanted to solidify the fact that this was a collaborative effort. I was very glad that she was there. Right away Eppler asked me how much of the story was based on fact. I wasn't prepared for that. I took a deep breath and explained that I was, in fact, molested as a child. I pointed out that the main character was based on me, especially in the early drafts, but after a while she took on a dramatic life of her own. Ganapathy 25 added wonderful things about what we were trying to do with the production. She explained that the play is about social issues concerning both men and women but it focuses on women. Eppler wrote down exactly what we said. I was not prepared for what I felt when I saw my words enlarged in the article. I wanted to hide. Somehow I secretly wished the word autobiographical had slipped people's minds. The second article that Eppler published was a review of the production. He primarily summed up the action and gave some details of what he observed and feh. I thought the review was mostly positive. He complimented all the actors on their performances and Ganapathy for her directing. He especially liked that Ganapathy did not give audiences an easy way out. One example he cited was the staging of the molestation scenes. He feh that while the play succeeded it did so only occasionally. His biggest problem was with what he felt were stereotypical characters. He felt as though the play was hypocritical because the parents were stereotypes. He added that the script has a good heart but needs more polishing. William Kems reviewed the production for the Lubbock Avalanche-Joumal. He also summed up the plot briefly but added more critical response than did Eppler. Kems saw the production as more painfiil than entertaining. He thought the script still included too much profanity. He also thought some elements in the script were used merely for shock value. He did include some very positive observations. He noted that the second act was stronger than the first. He saw more growth in the characters. He also liked some of the revelations in the second act along with the societal pressure to see all the characters as victims. I think that he made a real effort to go along for the ride. This was 26 evident in one of his comments, "[Kris] is for brief times, a comic unveiling the sordid past that is home to her sense of humor ... or a member of group therapy trying to find an easy route to the tmth ... or, perhaps, more likely, simply a woman with a gun and a past, testing her audience as she places more force on the trigger" (Kems). This led me to believe that he understood that the play meant different things to different people. He ended his re^ iew with, "^Little Girls Don't Do That' is worth seeing, but not easy to sit through. Castillo may succeed most at making, and keeping, her audiences uncomfortable" (Kems). The Respondent Luis Muiioz is the UIL State Theatre Director for Texas. He was asked to come see our production and offer criticism. I was both pleased and worried to hear that our respondent was Mexican. I hoped that Muiioz would appreciate all the cultural elements. I also hoped we got them right. He liked it. He really liked it. He said some really positive things about the script. He felt as though my words were very poetic. It was hard for me to pay attention to anything else after he said that. He did have some problems with the script and he offered suggestions. Some of them were discussed earlier. Muiioz received a different version of the script than the one we used in production. He noted the changes and agreed with them. There was one more molestation scene in his version. He thanked us for taking it out and said that the audience might not have been able to handle it. He really liked the theatricality of the 27 production and encouraged us to take it even further. His enthusiasm and honesty was really appreciated. The Panel Discussion The Women's Studies Department at Texas Tech University along with Dr. Alice Sowaal from the Philosophy Department helped Ganapathy organize a panel discussion that was held after the show closed. The topic of discussion was: Exploring the implications of new works that address issues of race, class, gender and female sexuality by making \ isibly conscious choices against the mainstream tradition of culture, religion, and art. Sowaal served as the moderator. The members of the panel were Williams, from the Theatre Department, and Dr. Betty Jean Manriquez, who is from the English Department. She specializes in Chicana/Chicano literature. It was very interesting to sit in a room where people were speaking of theory and applying it to something that I wrote. I sat off to the side, listened to what everyone had to say, and enjoyed every minute of it. Williams prepared a paper. He spoke honestly about how the production affected him as an audience member. He spoke on how he was moved by the people he saw on stage, knowing that this make-believe world was more real than anybody could want. He ended his paper with: In all, I was very proud of this production. Very few people walked out; fewer than we had expected. I couldn't leave. Even after I got home, it was hard to explain to my wife what I had just seen. I witnessed courage on stage. The actors, the playwright, the director, the whole team - the university in fact - accomplished a brave thing. And I'm not talking about simulating sex on stage. I'm talking about presenting something heartfeft, something real, something raw. Will everyone like it? Probably not. But for me, I can tell you this about this new work: I'm still thinking about it. 28 (Williams 4) Manriquez did not have very many positive things to say about the script. She felt that the script was very postmodern. She didn't see the link between the standup scenes and the rest of the play. She feh as though all the comedy diminished Kris's courage. The family did not seem like a tme Mexican family in her opinion. She stated that in a tme Mexican family the father or brother would have killed Eddie. Manriquez was particularly upset by Kris's line, "At least I'm not pregnant." The majority of the comments by the students and faculty at the discussion were in opposition to her. They understood what I was really saying through the script. ACTF I received feedback from several different people at the ACTF festival in El Paso. After the production I was fortunate enough to attend the directors' meeting. The people present at this meeting were Gregory Ramos, who directed Santos and Santos for UTEP, Bert, Ganapathy, Joel Murray, the Regional Playwriting Vice-Chair, and David Hoover, the Regional Chair. The majority of the comments were about the production with a few for the script. The meeting was for the director but I was allowed to attend since our play was an original script. Everyone had positive comments. They asked questions about the process. Ganapathy and I spoke about our director/playwright relationship. Ganapathy talked about her use of warm-up exercises. They also asked us what kind of directing style we used. Ganapathy explained that we used a contemporary style. The script is 29 very fast paced just as is life so we always wanted to keep that in mind. Life, memories, and even some of the sentences in the script are very short. There was some discussion on the ending of the play. Hoover stated that he wanted the play to end sooner. He wanted the last line of the play to be "At least I'm not pregnant." He explained that by going on the line was simply thrown away. Some people felt as though the strongest parts of the script were the parts with just Kris. One person commented that he got a real sense of the playwright from the words that Kris spoke. He thought I was really brave to open up so much and to say the things I feel. The festival also had a respondent. Don Finn mns a casting agency in Los Angeles and has had previous experience with ACTF. He did not like the script at all. He stated that he thought the script was two plays. The first play is all the standup. The second play is all the scenes with Kris and the other characters. He thought the comedy was really good but would be better in a different venue. He preferred a more traditional play. He liked all the scenes that were traditional. For example, the scenes with Kris and her parents. He recommended that I include more of those kinds of scenes when I do rewrites. He also felt that everything was set in the past. He said that theatre is about what's happening now. He said that's what people are interested in. He talked a lot about what he likes. He likes drama in an Arthur Miller sort of way. He really liked the moments of drama in our production. He talked about the pauses and the moments when the actors looked at each other in the eyes. He did not comment on the homosexuality in the play. Homosexuality is a big part of the play. This led me to believe that he either did not like it or was offended by it. 30 I believe that everyone who offered criticism had some valid points. I have given thought to what Kems said about the profanity level of the script. I believe my script still does have a lot of profanity. I do not, however, think there is too much. I might change my mind just as I did before after some more time passes. I still have problems letting go of some of my anger. I did not put anything in my script for shock value alone. Reality is shocking. I am very glad that he thinks my play is worth seeing. I agree that it is very hard to sit through. It's hard for me to sit through it, too. ft's hard for me to think about the actual events of my life. I don't see a way to deal with issues of child molestation in a maimer that would be easy for someone to sit through. The comments made by Manriquez really played with my mind. I was naive to think that she would like my work simply because she too is a Chicana. She is more traditional. I agree with her that in a traditional family the men would have beaten Eddie. I had to fictionalize many things in the script. One of those things was to have the parents know about the molestation. I think that it works dramatically. It allows for a wonderful moment of revelation in the second act. It also allows audiences to see that there were different choices that could have been made. Finally, it shows the destructive power of silence. She also had problems with the line "At least I'm not pregnant." I agree with her that bringing a new life into this world is a beautiful thing. I am trying to show how some people still view a woman becoming pregnant out of wedlock as a disgraceful thing. There is so much pressure to be a proper young lady that being pregnant can seem like the end of the world. Boys aren't made to feel the same way. 31 Finn's comments were all very valid as well, given his traditional perspective. I can't change the format of the play because 1 think that's the way it has to be. I sat down to write and that's what came out. There are several successful plays that are nontraditional. The Vagina Monologues is one example. I agree with him that theatre is about the present. I also think theatre is a great teaching tool. We have to look into the past in order to make the future better. I think my script is about the present. It is about Kris taking control of the present. Evaluation The majority of the response to the production and script was very positive. I now believe that my script is finished. I will make changes in the fiiture if something different comes out of another production. I will not, however, change the style of the play. I will never take the standup out, as it was suggested at ACTF. The contrast between the comedy and the other scenes helps show that there are many sides to a person. I hid behind comedy for years. I loved to make people laugh but I was dying inside. I learned a couple of really important things from this entire process. First, I'm not going to die if my family doesn't like my art. I actually think it might be a bad thing if my family liked everything I did. They are so traditional. If they aren't bothered a littie, then I'm not going far enough. Second, no one can ever silence me again. Someone asked me if I feh like a survivor. I don't. I feel like this is a battle I will stmggle with for the rest of my life. I don't regret writing and claiming my 32 autobiographical work. I will continue to write from my experiences. 1 know that I will stumble from time to time, but now I know I will get through it. It takes patience, commitment, and courage. It takes courage to take a fearless inventory of yourself You have to be committed to your cause, whatever it may be. Finally, you have to be patient with N'ourself and others. Things don't change overnight. I believe that I succeeded in what I set out to do. I wanted to write a full-length autobiographical play, detach myself enough to make it stage worthy, and get it produced all while maintaining some level of sanity. The easiest part was writing a play that was long enough to be considered a full-length. I still don't think I could whip one right out, but it was the easiest task to accomplish. I know that I was able to detach myself because I used to say, "This is the play." Now I say, "This is one of the many plays that I will write in my career.'' I don't exactly know when it happened but I began to see the play as a dramatic work of art. Once I could see the play as art I was able to mold it in any way that was for the betterment of the script, even if it was not tme to my life. I wanted the play to be tme to itself I'm already excited about my next writing project. I have so much to say. I really like how the stmcture of Little Girls Don't Do That allows me to express myself. My next play will deal with dmg addiction. I've already begun to write the standup. I had some other playwriting goals that I wanted to meet. I wanted the play to be credible. I wanted there to be enough surprises, obstacles, and complications to keep audience attention. I think that most of those were accomplished through the actual stmcture of the play. The comedy added another level to Kris that the audience had to 33 deal with. Kris was different when she was on stage doing theatre. I thought of it as being like a situation where you hear the same story from two people and you have to decide what you think the tmth is. Where the characters believable? Were their actions motivated? I think the answer to these two questions is yes. I heard a couple of people say that this play hit really close to home. I think people saw the family as a real family. I think the characters' actions were all motivated by culture, tradition, or gender roles. Finally, I think I'm still sane. I realized that I must allow myself to acknowledge my emotional attachment to material and then get over myself and move on. There were many moments of anger in the process. Sometimes I accept that I carmot change my past and other times, I crawl up in a little ball and weep. I don't recommend the process to anyone who is not willing to endure pain. I will continue to write emotional material because that is what's in my head. That's what inspires me. 34 BIBLIOGRAPHY Works Cited Published Works Bial, Henry, and Carol Martin. Brecht Sourcebook. New York: Routledge, 2000. Eppler, James. Little Giris Don't Do That Does it Anyway." University Daily [Texas Tech University]. 7 October 2003. . "'Little Giris' Only Does it Sometimes." University Daily [Texas Tech University]. 9 October 2003. Kems. Williams. "'Little Giris'Difficult, but Worthwhile" Lubbock AvalancheJoumal. 10 2003. October Moraga, Cherrie. Loving in the War Years. Boston: South End Press, 1983. 90-144. Mitter, Shomit. Systems of Rehearsal. New York: Routledge, 2000. Novas, Himilce. Everything You Need To Know About Latino History. 2003 ed. New York: Penguin Group, 2003. Palacios, Monica. Greetings From A Queer SeZorita. Out of The Fringe: Contemporary Latina/Latino Theatre And Performance. Ed. Caridad Svich and Maria Marrer New York: Theatre Communications Group, 2000. 366-391. Unpublished Works Bert, Dr. Norman. Conversation with the author. Spring Semester 2001. Finn. Critique. UTEP, El Paso. 8 November 2003. Ganapathy, Radhica. Conversation with the author. Fall Semester 2002. Muiioz, Luis. Critique. Lab Theatre, Lubbock. 10 October 2003. Manriquez Dr. BJ, Sowaal, Dr. Alice, and Dr. David WiUiams. Panel Discussion. Texas Tech University, Lubbock. 13 October 2003. 35 Rossini, Dr. Jon. Conversation with author. Fall Semester 2002. Williams, Dr. David. Conversation with author. First Summer Session 2003. 36 APPENDIX LITTLE GIRLS DON'T DO THAT 37 LITTLE GIRLS DON'T DO THAT By Liz Castillo 2003 By Liz Castillo Liz Castillo 5214-B 18* Lubbock, TX 79416 castliz@aol.com 38 LITTLE GIRLS DON'T DO THAT CAST OF CHARACTERS KRIS. Eariy twenties. EDDIE. Late twenties GRACE. 50. JUAN. 55. THE TIME The present, when Kris was five, and some scenes are fictional. THE PLACE A stage, a church, a kitchen, and a child's play area. 39 SCENE ONE SETTING: A stage. AT RISE: KRIS is standing at the edge of the stage. KRIS I confess to almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters that I have sinned through my own fault in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do; and I ask blessed Mary, ever virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the lord our God. (Long Pause) (KRIS puts the gun up to her head and the hghts go to black.) END OF SCENE 40 SCENE TWO SETTING: A stage. AT RISE: There is a stool and a microphone in the middle of the stage. Kris walks in. KRIS Hi, I'm Kris and I'm on the rag. 1 mean period. No, I mean menstmal cycle. (Pause) Well, whatever you want to call it. My grandmother says that when she was younger they used socks. Well, she grew up in Mexico and tampax wasn't really big then. Notice that nobody ever says they are on the sock. "I'm on the sock." No, I guess that really doesn't sound right. Well, the point is, it's here. 1 got it. At least I'm not pregnant. Not that 1 was worried but it's always good to know. Your period is such a horrifying experience when you're little. I remember the first time I got it. I don't know if it is a Mexican thing or what but my mother didn't give me any kind of warning. There I was, minding my own business, going to the restroom when, all of a sudden, there it was. Staring at me. I remember thinking.. .1 know I wiped my ass today. Good lord, I didn't even take a shit today. What was I gonna do? I couldn't tell my mom. What was she going to say? (In her mother's voice.) "Oh si, qieres ir para el baile pero no te puedes limpiar. Tu te me quedas aqui." (Normal voice) So I washed my underwear in the sink for a week. One day, my mom came up to me and asked me, (In her mother's voice.) "Are you taking a shower with your underwear on?" (Normal voice) KRIS (continued) I had to show her. She was so excited and ran off to call all of her comadres. When she came back she had this thing, ft was about this big. (Motions with her hands.) She called it a pad. I called it a twin mattress. I put it on and it felt like a diaper. I was walking around like a damn sumo wrestler. It was loud too. I swore everybody could hear it. It's like when you're walking across the library and you're wearing wind pants. That's always embarrassing. My first day in school as a woman was horrible. When I was sitting in class everything was fine but as soon as I got up, there it went. I had 41 KRIS (continued) sprung a leak. I must have lost at least three pounds by lunch 1 was bleeding so much. You know what I really hate? When you rush to the restroom because you're just sure that you stained your pants and all you find is a little dot. One measly little, I should have just worn a panty liner, kind of dot. It pisses me off You know what else pisses me off? The restrooms that are designed by men. You know, the ones where the mirrors are way up high. How are you supposed to check your ass on those? (SHE turns around and jumps up and down as if trying to look at her ass in a mirror.) You know how you can tell if a girl is on her period? Her best friend is walking behind her starring at her ass saying, (In an annoying voice.) "No, I don't see anything." (Pause) A man must have invented wings. You know how I know this? The wings don't just stick to your panties. Wings are the reason girls shave. Oh, yes! It only happens one time. You learn after that. I was in a really big hurry this one time. I was doing the littie pee pee dance and trying to unbutton my pants as fast as possible, and I yanked my panties down and... (She lets out a scream.) It was never quite the same, the poor thing. Pads just aren't very comfortable. I decided one day that I had had enough. I was going to plug it up. I couldn't ask my mom to get me tampons. I could already hear her, (In her mother's voice.) "If you can stick that thing up there then something else has been up there." (Her normal voice, proudly.) I did it all by myself I read the instmctions and assumed the position. (She assumes the position.) Something went terribly wrong though. I guess I didn't put it in all the way because I 42 KRIS (continued) didn't feel like 1 could go ride a bike, or a horse, or go swimming. It just hurt. Then, I did the worst thing you could do in a situation like that. I pulled it out when it was still dry. Don't ever do that. The surgeon general should put a label on the box - "It doesn't all come back out." (Pause) Why can't guys get a period? It would be so much easier for them. They just put a condom on and it would drop in there. Kind of like an i.v. Hey, they could use a sock. END OF SCENE 43 SCENE THREE SETTING: A church. AT RISE: GRACE, EDDIE, and JUAN are kneeling on stage. GRACE Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fhiit of thy womb, Jesus. JUAN and EDDIE Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. GRACE Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fhiit of thy womb, Jesus. JUAN and EDDIE Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. GRACE Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fhiit of thy womb, Jesus. JUAN and EDDIE Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. (THEY all get up.) JUAN You want a beer? EDDIE Sure. (Long pause.) I'm really sorry about Kris. GRACE Why do things happen to us? JUAN They happen. EDDIE I really liked her. (Long pause) You know, I wanted to talk to you about... 44 (JUAN looks at EDDIE as if to say stop.) GRACE I'm going to start the menudo. (GRACE exits.) JUAN Get us two beers. EDDIE How's work? JUAN Good. END OF SCENE 45 SCENE FOUR SETTING: A child'.s play area. AT RISE: KRIS is sitting in the middle of the stage playing with a Barbie and Ken doll. She is now five years old. The lines will be marked with a K for Ken and a B for Barbie. At any time Eddie can come in a join the action. KRIS K Hi Barbie. B Hi Ken. K Do you want to go play in those rocks over there? B OK K We can play house. B OK K We can pretend that we're married. B OK K Let's pretend that you are inside taking a nap and I'm coming home from work. B OK K Are you hot? B 'What? K Put your hand in your pants and check if you're hot? B Why? K Put your hand inside your panties and touch yourself to see if you're hot. Are you hot? B Yes, I guess. K That means you're ready to have sex. B lam? K Yes. B What's sex? K It's something that my brothers do. Are you cool? B Yes. K Good, you'll like it. Take off all of your clothes and go lay down inside. I'll come in and see you and we'll start having sex. B OK (KRIS takes all of the clothes off of the Barbie doll.) K B K B K Honey, I'm home. Hi. Keep your eyes closed and be quiet. Sorry. Honey, I'm home. Oh, you want to have sex? Say yes. 46 KRIS (continued) B Yes. K Now, open your legs. (KRIS takes the clothes off of the doll.) Ken K Good. You can open your eyes now. B Why is your thing like that? K Because it likes you. B It does? K Yes. B What happens now? K Now I'm going to stick it in you. B 'Where? K In between your legs. B Why? K That's how you have sex. You'll like it. Keep your legs open and stay still. Are you ready? B I guess. K Here we go. Stay still. Yes. There it is. This feels so good. You're so tight. B ft hurts. K It hurts a little bit the first time and then the next time we do it it's going to feel really good. B Does yours hurt? K No! Stop talking. B I want to stop. K No! B It hurts really bad. Please stop. Why are you going so fast? Stop it. K It feels really good. You're doing such a good job. Yes, yes, it feels so good B I don't like it. K Stop talking I'm almost done. I'm coming. Yes, yes, I'm coming. There, we're done. You can get up now. B I have to go home now. K You did a really good job. B Will you button my pants? K Meet me here again tomorrow. B Why? K So that we can practice having sex. ft will feel better tomorrow. B I don't want to. K You're such a cry baby. B No, I'm not. K You're not cool. 47 KRIS (continued) B K B K B K Yes, 1 am. Then you'll be here tomorrow? Yes. Don't tell anybody what we were doing? Why? It's supposed to be a secret. END OF SCENE 48 SCENE FIVE SETTING: A stage. AT RISE: JUAN is sitting on the stage drinking a beer and playing with a couple of marbles. El Rey is playing in the background. JUAN My father brought us here one season to work. After the season was over he moved on with the others. He decided that we should stay because there was a high school here for us. Some places didn't have a high school for Mexicans yet. We weren't supposed to make it that far. He was going to send us money and then come back when it was time. He never came back. It didn't really matter that there was a high school or not after that. I worked hard for a life. Now I work hard for a better life. One day my kids will go off to college. They say that they'd like to come back. Nobody comes back. The border isn't good enough anymore. END OF SCENE 49 SCENE SIX SETTING: A Stage. AT RISE: There is a stool and a microphone. KRIS is rehearsing. KRIS So, 1 was taking a shit the other day and I got really pissed off cause my pee got in the wa>. Wait > our turn, right? Isn't it amazing that your butt muscles can hold in a fart but the> don't hurt the shit? I always have to fart. I hate starting a new relationship cause I haN'e to hold in my gas. Do you know how hard that is? I'm constantly needing to get up and go to the store for something. 1 don't know about you, but I carmot take a shit in a restroom other than my own. I just can't. If 1 go on a trip I have to wait till I get home. (Long pause) I was having sex the other day and in the middle of it I thought, this is really gross. When I stop to think about sex I get disgusted. Sex with men that is. I remember the first time I found out what sex was. I'm talking about the first time I connected the word sex with an actual image of some sort of action. For the first time in my short life I knew what I really was.. .a whore. One of my friends in the third grade came up to me and asked me if I was a virgin. "What's a virgin," I asked. Well, it tums out that I wasn't. I didn't tell anyone. It wasn't my fauh! He said that you go to hell for having sex. (Long Pause) Everyone agreed that it was the most disgusting thing in the world and that none of us would ever do it. I just stood there and said nothing. My friend also told me that my parents had to have sex to make a baby. I thought that you just had to love each other enough, or share a pillow. My parents beat me for something that they did themselves. I understand now, but then.. .then I didn't know anything. (EDDIE walks on stage.) I've had a lot of sex in my lifetime. For years I looked for that one man to make sex feel ok. I just thought the man I was with was too big, too small, too nice... I hated feeling dirty. I always felt dirty. That's what women are made for, right? (Pause) When I was five years old, a boy stuck his penis up my ass! END OF SCENE 50 SCENE SEVEN SETTFNG: A child's play area. AT RISE: JUAN is sitting at a table. KRIS is five years old. KRIS Hi dad. JUAN Hi mija. Where were you? KRIS Playing. JUAN With who? KRIS Friends. JUAN With Crystal? KRIS Just friends. JUAN With your brother? KRIS I'm hungry. JUAN How many times have I told you not to play with the boys? KRIS Maybe five. JUAN Don't be playing with them. KRIS There's nobody else to play with. Eddie says he likes to play with me. 51 JUAN Play by yourself KRIS I'm not very fun. JUAN Yah. KRIS Dad! Will you please button my pants? JUAN Why are your pants unbuttoned? KRIS I don't know. JUAN What do you mean you don't know? KRIS They just come unbuttoned when I'm jumping around and stuff like that. JUAN We'll get you new pants. Go ask your mom to button them. KRIS Ok (KRIS exits and a moment later GRACE enters.) JUAN Kris was looking for you. GRACE I saw her. JUAN You need to get her bigger pants. 52 GRACE Her pants fit. 1 don't know why they're always coming unbuttoned. JUAN Maybe there's something wrong with the button. GRACE It's not just those pants. JUAN What do you mean? GRACE Her pants are always unbuttoned. JUAN I told her again that she doesn't need to be playing with the boys. GRACE She says there's nobody else to play with. JUAN What kind of little girls are out playing with boys? GRACE She'll grow out of it. JUAN Where did she go? GRACE I don't know. JUAN Tell her I'll be outside washing the tmck. END OF SCENE 53 SCENE EIGHT SETTING: A child's place. AT RISE: EDDIE is sitting on stage playing with a Barbie and Ken. Kris is standing behind him watching. This scene is a memory so KRIS is an aduU. The lines will be marked with a K for Ken and a B for Barbie. At any time Kris can become five and join the action. EDDIE Hi Barbie Hi Ken Do you want to go play? Yah, let's go play house. I know the perfect place. Where? The cave. That can be our house. Let's pretend that we're married. OK I'll set this up like a bedroom. Take off your pants. But my ... Take off your pants. I'm not supposed to be showing my private parts to boys. Nobody will know. Take off your pants. You'll like it. Ok Now, I'll take off mine. Oh honey, you look so beautiful. Thanks. How do I look? Ok Do you want to touch it? No. Come on. Touch it and see what it can do. What? ft'U grow. Grow? Yah, touch it. It feels kind of funny. Like what? I don't know. Kiss it. No. Kiss it! That's gross. I'll kiss yours. K B K B K B K K B K B K B K B K B K B K B K B K B K B K B K B K B K 54 EDDIE (continued) B I don't want you to. K I'm gonna kiss it. B No K Did you like it? B ft felt weird. K Your turn. B No K I kissed yours. B Ok K That's my girl. My turn. B That tickled. K Stick mine in your mouth. B No K Yes! B That hurts. K Do ft then. B Fine. K Yes, like that. Suck on it. B 'What? K Suck on it. Not so hard or I'11...yes, like that. That's good. Keep going! I like it. Yes. Lay down. B What? K Lay down and open your legs. Good girl. Yes, that's right. Just like that. B That hurts. K It's cause we're just getting started. B You said it wasn't going to hurt anymore K Shut up. It will feel good when you get good at it. You need to practice like good girls do. B But I don't... K Shut up! Let me finish. Yes, that feels so good. You're doing so good. I'm coming. Yes, I'm coming. B Are you done? K Yes B I'm going home now. K Don't forget to be here tomorrow. Don't make me come get you again or it'll be really bad. B Will you button my pants? K Button your pants yourself B I can't. (EDDIE throws the dolls. He lies down and talks Kris.) 55 EDDIE (continued) 1 tried to show you the way but you never listened to me. You are such a pretty little girl. You're a good little girl. 1 love you. 1 loved you. You're supposed to do this. That's what girls are for. You know you like it just as much as I do. Say it. Say you like. Say you like it! (KRIS is talking at EDDIE but HE does not acknowledge her. She speaks her lines as one continuous speech. ) KRIS I did not like it! EDDIE Your body responded. KRIS No. EDDIE Why are you lying to me? KRIS You cannot control your body. EDDIE You liked it. KRIS You carmot control your body! EDDIE You liked it. KRIS Maybe I did! Did I want it? (Pause) No, it hurt! END OF SCENE 56 SCENE NINE SETTING: A church. AT RISE: EDDIE, GRACE, and JUAN are on stage kneeling. EDDIE Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the ftiiit of thy womb, Jesus. GRACE and JUAN Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. EDDIE Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the friiit of thy womb, Jesus. GRACE and JUAN Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. EDDIE Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the friiit of thy womb, Jesus. GRACE and JUAN Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sirmers, now and at the hour of our death. EDDIE They did a good job fixing her up. GRACE She always looked so pretty in a dress. She hadn't worn a dress in years. I gave her this dress for Christmas last year. JUAN Stupid kid. EDDIE Sometimes you just don't know what's going through people's heads. GRACE Why didn't she come talk to us? END OF SCENE 57 SCENE TEN SETTING: A child's play area. AT RISE: KRIS and EDDIE walk in with a Barbie and Ken doll. KRIS is five years old and EDDIE is nine. KRIS I have to go home. EDDIE No, come on. KRIS I have to go eat. EDDIE Why? KRIS My mom said to come eat in thirty minutes. EDDIE Have you told anybody about us? KRIS No. EDDIE Good. Don't tell anybody. It's just between best friends. KRIS Yes. EDDIE Do you want to see the inside of my dad's camper? KRIS My brother says that I only come around here to do nasty stuff. EDDIE He's just jealous cause he can't play with us. We can play house. 58 KRIS Ok. EDDIE We cim pretend like we're married. We're really rich and are on vacation. KRIS Where are we going? EDDIE Anywhere you want to go. KRIS Can I drive? EDDIE Come on. (KRIS sits on EDDIE'S lap and they pretend to drive for a moment.) EDDIE You wanna play cars? KRIS Can't we just keep going? EDDIE We can do whatever you want. KRIS I'm really tired. EDDIE We can lay down. KRIS OK. EDDIE Get under the covers and take off your clothes. (KRIS does as HE says) 59 KRIS don't want to. EDDIE Turn around. KRIS Why? EDDIE Turn o\ er. KRIS Ok EDDIE Good. Hold still. KRIS 'What are you going to do? EDDIE I need you to... KRIS But. EDDIE Doit! (He pushes her) KRIS That hurts! Stop! EDDIE Somebody is going to hear us. It gets better, ft just hurts the first time. This is the way older people show love. KRIS That's gross. EDDIE I got something for you. 60 KRIS What? (EDDIE pulls a littie toy car out of his pant pocket.) EDDIE This. KRIS 1 can have it? EDDIE Yes. You're my friend. KRIS Why does it hurt? EDDIE That kind of pain is good. Turn around and stay still. KRIS Stop! (EDDIE gets off. They both get dressed. KRIS gets up and walks to another area of the stage and huddles up in a little ball. EDDIE exits. GRACE walks in and finds KRIS.) GRACE 'What are you doing there? KRIS I'm...just playing. GRACE Where were you? Dinner's ready. KRIS I was playing. 61 GRACE With who? KRIS With Eddie. GRACE Come on. KRIS I'm sorry. He called me over there to ask me something and then I left. Will you button my pants? GRACE Why are your pants unbuttoned! KRIS I had to pee. GRACE Go pray mija. It's almost time to eat. (GRACE listens for a moment and then exits and KRIS kneels down to pray.) KRIS Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary... God, I know that I've been a really bad girl. I'm sorry. Please don't let my mom and dad be mad at me. I don't want to see him anymore. Please don't send me to hell. If you make me a boy then maybe Eddie won't want to touch me anymore and my dad will like me. Please tell mom that if she makes me wear dresses Eddie likes me more and wants to touch me more. (JUAN enters) Kris! KRIS What? JUAN Your mother told me what you've been doing. 62 KRIS I was just peeing. (JUAN takes off his belt.) KRIS (continued) No! Wait, let me explain. 1 wasn't doing anything. JUAN Pee inside. You're a little girl. KRIS 1 don't want to be a little girl. I want to be like you. JUAN You are not a boy. KRIS If I was would you like me more? JUAN I like you. JUAN Go to your room and stay there. END OF SCENE 63 SCENE ELEVEN SETTING: A stage. AT RISE: There is a stool and a microphone. KRIS is rehearsing. KRIS Some people have the best memory. I have some friends that swear they can remember being in the womb. What the hell is there to remember? You just swim all day. You know, the best thing about being a lesbian is not having to worry about getting pregnant. The most beautiful words you can tell a girl during hard times are, "you are not pregnant." No matter what a girl is going through - "I just wrecked my car!" At least >'ou're not pregnant. "I just failed my class. My dad's going to kill me." At least you're not pregnant. (KRIS freezes on stage as GRACE walks on and then unfreezes. Kris is now five years old.) Hey mom... GRACE Yes KRIS Manny won't let me play with him. GRACE He's playing with his friends. KRIS I want to play too. GRACE Well, you can't. KRIS Why not? GRACE Cause, they're boys. KRIS So. 64 GRACE Little girls don't play with boys. KRIS But that's not fair. GRACE Go play with your Barbie. KRIS I hate Barbie. I wish I was a boy sometimes. GRACE Why would you say that? KRIS I could do more things. GRACE But then \'ou wouldn't be able to wear all those pretty dresses that I make for you. KRIS Good. I hate dresses. GRACE But you look so pretty when you wear them. KRIS Don't I look pretty now? GRACE Well, yes. KRIS What's a tomboy? GRACE Why? KRIS That's what the giris at school call me. They're just mad cause I can mn faster than all of them. 65 GRACE Why would they say that? KRIS I heard you tell a lady at the store that I was a tomboy. (KRIS and GRACE freeze for a moment and then GRACE walks off stage. Kris is an adult again.) I always hated playing with Barbie. Although I wouldn't mind being like her. The bitch has ever\^hing. Boys' toys are so much better. (SHE smiles devilishly) You know, Mexicans raise their kids differently than white folks. A white person will tell their kid, "Don't go in there honey it's dangerous." A Mexican will say, "Don't go in there the cucui will get you!" I grew up fearing that the cucui could be around any comer waiting for me. A white person would say, "Don't touch that honey. It's not sanitary." A Mexican will say, "Olles! Don't put that in your mouth! It's caca!" Everything was caca. The remote was caca. My shoes were caca. The dog was caca. And don't forget the whole Mexican Catholic thing. You know, be strong, don't cry, and accept your lot in hfe. (Pause) Accept my ass! (GRACE, EDDIE, and JUAN walk on stage. The following lines are said without any of the characters acknowledging each other.) You know what bothered my mom the most about me being gay? GRACE What are the people at church going to say? KRIS What are people at church going to say? Did she not think that I knew what people at church were going to say? I deaft with what people said all my life. GRACE You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; such a thing is an abomination. KRIS So you shouldn't lie with another man. It doesn't say anything about another woman. 66 JUAN It applies to women the same. KRIS OK I'm going to hell. There, I said it. That wasn't that hard. Hell! Hell! Hell! I'm going to hell. For what? For being myself? God creates me and then he condemns me? What's up with that? Well, 1 won't be lonely in hell. Everyone 1 know will be there. I hope there's plenty of beer. With my luck, everyone is going to confess right before they die and be saved. EDDIE You shall fear your God. I am the lord. KRIS Religion is all about fear. It's a tool created to help the rich and parents. By the time I was ten I was traumatized. You can't do anything. Accept the fact that you're going to hell early. It makes life so much easier. My parents tried to save me but it was no use. GRACE You shall not degrade your daughter by making a prostitute out of her. KRIS Some things in the bible are just obvious. Some things in the bible are depressing. You know what makes me mad? The lady who sits in the front during mass after she was out having an affair on Saturday night. At least I admit the fact that I am a sinner. I have a sticker on my car that advertises it. (In a "moms" voice.) "Aren't you ashamed to have that on your car? And what's with all the rainbows? No shame." EDDIE Thus you shall fear your God. GRACE Abomination. (Pause) A great dislike. KRIS I came up to my mother one day and said, "I want to be Jewish!" GRACE Loathing. 67 KRIS 1 think it... GRACE Something that elicits great dislike. KRIS My mother told me, "No, no, you're already gay." EDDIE All these things that they have done fill me with disgust for them. KRIS I remember when my mom would get me all dressed up for something. Everyone would say what a pretty little girl I was. EDDIE Fear me. KRIS What are those people saying now? (Pause) Does the bible say anything about masturbation? END OF SCENE 68 SCENE TWELVE SETTING: A bare stage. AT RISE: KRIS is laying on the stage looking at the stars. EDDIE is sitting somewhere behind her in complete darkness. KRIS Eddie? (Light comes up on EDDIE.) EDDIE Yah. KRIS Do you ever wonder about the stars? If the universe is still expanding then what is it expanding into? EDDIE Why do you ask me stupid questions? KRIS Because you answer them. So where is it expanding into? EDDIE Maybe it's not expanding? KRIS Do you ever wonder what you would do if you recognized someone on unsolved mysteries? EDDIE You're always asking me that. Is there something or someone I should know about? KRIS No. EDDIE You sound disappointed. KRIS I could be a hero. 69 EDDIE Nah, stick to the whoring. (Lights go out on EDDIE.) KRIS You can't ever say anything nice can you? Why are you still around? Why won't you just leave me alone. You've already had me. You had your fun. Now leave me the fuck alone! You are not real. I am overreacting. Nothing happened. END OF SCENE 70 ACT II SCENE ONE SETTING: A stage. AT RISE: KRIS is standing at the edge of the stage. KRIS Crotch-less panties.. .what's the point in that? I thought that the idea behind panties was that little strip, or big strip, of material that covers the crotch. Right? Wasn't that what the first person who developed underwear was after? The rest of the underwear is there to hold that one central piece of material together. I remember my first experience with crotch-less panties. There I was, minding my own business, when it happened. I'm always minding my own business. I was laying down on the floor of my friend's house when his mother walked right over me. She was wearing a dress and crotch less panties. It was the most horrific experience of my life. It was big and dark and hairy. Mine sure as hell didn't look like that. At least I didn't think so. I had never really looked at it. It's kind of hard when you're a fat kid. I remember the first time I got hair. I thought maybe I had done something wrong. Did I leave it out too long? I got my mother's tweezers and I .. .tried to pluck it. It hurt. After I was done it looked like a plucked bird. (Pause) I understand that the purpose behind crotch-less panties is easy access. That's what it's all about. It's kind of like when a guy carries around a condom in his pocket. You have to be ready. I see how that could be important. I have a confession to make. I'm not wearing any underwear. I'mjust too confused. I use to wear crotch-less panties. I also use to wear these things that had a little string up my ass. It use to really bother me, so when I was sure I wasn't going to be taking my clothes off in front of anybody I would pull the string out and wear it to the side. I swear my crack got deeper because of those damn panties. I eventually moved up to thongs. Those were just as bad. I now had something bigger up my ass. Everybody in my apartment complex has seen my underwear. I can't ever date them now. Half the fun of dating someone new is the anticipation of seeing what kind of underwear they have. Mine's no secret. You know what I hate more than washing my underwear? Buying them... I get so nervous. I see all these women buying these tiny little things and I get all nervous. I always feel like they think I'm looking at them. I'm not. I swear. I'm there for the underwear, ft really pisses me off when some ugly bitch looks at me like I'm checking her out. Hey, I may be gay but I still have standards. END OF SCENE 71 SCENE TWO SETTING: A church. AT RISE: JUAN, GRACE, and EDDIE are kneeling. KRIS watches. JUAN Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fhiit of thy womb, Jesus. EDDIE and GRACE Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. JUAN Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fhiit of thy womb, Jesus. EDDIE and GRACE Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. JUAN Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fhiit of thy womb, Jesus. EDDIE and GRACE Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. (Long pause. JUAN exits.) EDDIE How are you? GRACE OK. (Pause) There's so much to do. EDDIE And Juan? GRACE He doesn't say anything. (Pause.) She never gave me grandchildren. I always wanted granddaughters. I wanted to make pretty little dresses for them. Is that so much to ask for? 72 (GRACE and EDDIE exit.) END OF SCENE 73 SCENE THREE SETTING: A stage. AT RISE: There is a stool. KRIS The day I accepted the fact that I was gay, I heard music. It was very surreal. Everything went dark except for this one bright light. (The lights go down and a spot comes up.) Extremely bright! (The spot gets brighter.) Out of that light came this beautiful, tall, blonde woman. The lesbian American dream. She was the most graceftal woman I had ever imagined. This angelic music accompanied her. (Music comes on.) It was my welcome gift from the committee. It was my first girlfriend. The most beautiful and pure love anyone could ever imagine. (The music abmptly ends.) Well, at least that's how I wanted it to be. In reality my first experience with a girl was a result of a bet. I was a fucking bet. All the lesbians in town thought it was time. The first one to kiss me won an eighteen of Bud Light. I wasn't even worth Corona! I feft so used, so empty. I can't believe a girl would just throw herself on me and make out with mepassionatelyjusttoteaseme! (Pause) ft was GREAT! My life had begun. I was upset at first but I met someone soon after. My first girlfriend. (Pause. EDDIE walks on stage. KRIS can clearly hear EDDIE but she never sees him.) KRIS (continued) I fell in love. I always said I was never going to. Everybody that has loved me has hurt me. EDDIE Not everybody has hurt you. 74 KRIS You would think that 1 would learn. I was gone from the first day 1 met her. It wasn't like anything before. EDDIE Nothing will ever be like before. No one will ever be like me. KRIS I was with lots of boys and I never felt anything for them. Any of them! She is perfect. She's soft, and smooth and she always smells good too. There's this thing she does when she walks in a room. I don't know what it is. ft's like I can feel her. No matter what I'm doing, I always know when she walks in a room. EDDIE You always know when I'm in the room. Don't I make you feel special? KRIS I get nervous every time I see her. She makes me feel free. For the first time ever, I feel free. And to top it all off, she loves me too. She actually loves me. Never in a million years would I have thought that I could have someone this beautiful. I want to show her how much I love her but I just can't. Part of me still hates the fact that I like her so much. EDDIE Because you know it was wrong. You will always belong to me. KRIS Fuck you Eddie! Not this time. Not this one! I hate you and I never liked you. Ever. EDDIE If you don't like me then you don't like yourself Kris. KRIS That's not tme. EDDIE I think you know it is. KRIS Go away. EDDIE I am apart of you. 75 KRIS No! I want to wake up next to her everyday. I can't stand to be without her. I was the first girl she had ever been with. She's not ashamed of me though. I know she wants to be with me cause she chose me over her parents. (She prepares to tell the story as if telling an investigator.) It was unreal. Her parents came down to visit one day and they confronted us. I left for a while to go get help and when I came back she was gone. Do you know what it feels like to get spit on? Not so good. All because I love somebody. That didn't matter at the time. All 1 knew was that I had lost my heart. I know it sounds all mushy and corny but I have to make it sound good. No? For a month I sat by the phone waiting for her to call. At night she would sneak into the kitchen and call me. She was twenty years old and held against her will in her own home. I'm not talking about twenty years ago. I'm talking about now! One day I decided that I was going to kidnap her back. I made the four-hour trip and set up headquarters at a friend's house. I was determined to bring her back with me. Me and all my gay friends were on a mission. (Pause) I came home alone that day, but eventually she ran away. Her parents told her they didn't want anything to do with her ever again. After loving her for twenty years they tumed off their love just like that. That didn't matter cause I give her so much love it makes her feel complete. I love her so much. (EDDIE paces the stage.) EDDIE You will never be anything. KRIS Some day we're going to have kids. EDDIE So that you can molest them. KRIS I know, you're probably wondering how. EDDIE You were a whore when you were little and you always will be. KRIS It's going to be my egg. 76 EDDIE You sucked my dick. KRIS So that I can be part of the whole process. EDDIE You opened your legs nice and wide for me. KRIS We already know what kind of man we want the father to be. He doesn't have to be a part of the baby's life. EDDIE You even asked for more. KRIS She'll carry the baby. I don't think that I could handle being pregnant. EDDIE You still want more. KRIS We'll be a perfect family. EDDIE Nobody will ever love you. KRIS I'll love my child. EDDIE Look at yourself Do you really think she loves you? KRIS I know I have a bad temper, but not with something that is created out of so much love. EDDIE I taught you how to fuck. KRIS She's taught me how to love. 77 EDDIE You looked for me in every man you've fucked. KRIS I'm not full of hate anymore. EDDIE Take off your pants. KRIS I'm not a bad person. EDDIE Lay down. (EDDIE exits) KRIS She taught me that love is really possible. END OF SCENE 78 SCENE FOUR SETTING: A room with a table and chairs. AT RISE: GRACE is sitting at a table writing on something. KRIS walks in and sits down next to her. KRIS Mom. (GRACE stops what she is doing and looks at KRIS.) What's the worst thing that I ever did when I was little? GRACE Well, I had you all dressed up one day.. .we were going to the store. I left you in your room for a while and when I came back you had spilt all the dirt out of the big plant all over you. I was so mad at you. KRIS Yah, I guess that is kind of bad. What's the worst thing that I did when I was older? (GRACE looks at KRIS.) I wrecked your car. I told you I'm sorry. (Pause) Is it tme that you love your children no matter what? GRACE Yes. KRIS I have something to tell you.. .I'm.. .well, I'm pregnant. GRACE 'What? KRIS From a white guy. GRACE Dios MIO! KRIS And he's ten years older. 79 He's what? GRACE KRIS And married. GRACE Juan! KRIS I'mjust kidding! I'm not really pregnant. I'm gay. GRACE Stop that. KRIS I've tried. I can't help it. I've tried not to be, but I just am. GRACE Why? KRIS I don't know why. I was the next one in line or something. GRACE 'What? KRIS It's in the genes. GRACE 'What? KRIS Aliens did this to me. (Pause) If you want me to leave I will. I understand. I just wanted you to hear it from me and not from someone else. GRACE People know? KRIS Yes. 80 GRACE Why have you been telling people? KRIS They just found out. GRACE They knew before I did? KRIS The committee sends out a newsletter. GRACE 'What are the people at church going to say? KRIS The> '11 light a candle for me. Who cares? GRACE "What about your career? KRIS Gay people have careers. GRACE What kind? KRIS All the women are constmction workers and all the men are designers. GRACE What kind of career is that? KRIS I'mjust kidding! Fuck. I'm gorma be all right. GRACE I don't understand. KRIS There's nothing to understand. Lots of people are gay. GRACE Why is it going around so much? 81 KRIS It's not the flu. You can't just catch it. GRACE Did we do something wrong? KRIS I have always been gay. Didn't you ever notice when I was little? GRACE Well... KRIS Come on. I was the biggest tomboy. You even told people that. I hated dresses and I hated dolls and I liked girls. GRACE I thought that would pass. Well, I didn't know about the girls. KRIS It didn't pass. It's not gas. GRACE Can't you try? Can you just try hanging out with boys? KRIS I've tried. Tmst me! I've dated lots of boys. It just doesn't work like that. GRACE How about Jimmy? You've always been really close with him. Start dating him. KRIS He's gay too. GRACE Maria purisima! Not him! KRIS It happens to the best of us. You don't have to accept it. I just wanted you to know. GRACE Don't tell your father this. 82 KRIS Why not? GRACE He couldn't handle this. KRIS You me m he'd be ashamed? GRACE Yes. KRIS How do you know? GRACE You know how your father is. He doesn't even love himself KRIS Are you serious? GRACE No, it's not... yes. KRIS Fine, I'll respect what you want. GRACE Are you sure you can't try just one more time? KRIS I'm in love. GRACE Diosmio! With who? KRIS Maria. GRACE She's gay? KRIS Well, I hope so. 83 GRACE She's too pretty to be gay. KRIS What does that mean? GRACE Nothing. KRIS We're getting married. GRACE What? KRIS I proposed. GRACE No. KRIS No, what? I love her. GRACE She's probably just using you. KRIS For what? It's not like I have money. GRACE Whatever. I just don't know anymore. KRIS There is nothing to know. I'm gonna leave now. I think its best. GRACE Yes. KRIS Yes! You don't say yes! I'm your daughter. You are suppose to say no...don't go...I love you...I know you're still the same person. 84 GRACE No, you are not the little girl 1 raised. And don't use that tone. KRIS Fuck! GRACE Kris! KRIS Fuck you! I don't need anything from you. I found someone who really loves me and I don't need you. Do you hear that? I do not need you or your money. Stay out of my life. You no longer have any responsibilities. You don't have to deal with your lesbian daughter. Maria is all I need. (EDDIE'S voice is heard speaking the same words as Grace. Towards the end of the speech, Grace's voice fades out and only Eddie is heard. It is Eddie's voice but Grace is still moving her lips.) GRACE You ungrateful little girl. We have given you everything and this is how you treat me. I love you but I will not stand here and let you min your life and mine. You will not drag this family down. Do you hear me! You go and do whatever it is you want with that girl. You will regret it someday. She won't love you. END OF SCENE 85 SCENE FIVE SETTING: A stage. AT RISE: EDDIE is alone on stage. EDDIE I came from a large family. I came along six years after my parents stopped having kids. One of my best memories is this really great friend I had. Most of the time, she was the only one that would play with me. I was always the only one playing with her. I took care of her. Sometimes we got to play cops and robbers with all the other kids but we always had to be the cops. After we moved, I rarely saw her. I saw her parents all the time because they baptized me. Her father was like a second father to me. END OF SCENE 86 SCENE SIX SETTING: A stage with a stool and microphone. AT RISE: Kiis is sitting on stage reading a letter. Maria's voice is heard reading the letter. VOICE OVER Dear Kris. I want you to know that I will always love you no matter what. I just can't stand not having a family. They are my life. I want them to accept me and love me again. This is something that you can't understand. I want to lead a normal life and have a family. I never meant to hurt you but you did things too. You have cheated on me too. I can't take that. I gave everything up for you. You're just cold. Do you not have a heart? That doesn't matter now. I hope we can be friends or something. Take care. Love, Maria. KRIS Love sucks. (There is a long dramatic pause and then KRIS jumps up and begins to sing.) "When you get left. When you get dumped. Hold your head, way up high. And say Hey, "Fuck you bitch!" It's gonna be OK. Waft a minute! Life isn't like a fucking musical is it? This isn't that kind of a play. (Lights come up on a microphone. KRIS crosses to it and gets it.) Bitch up and left my ass.. .and she took my glasses. I bought a bottie of Crown one time and it came with two pretty little glasses.. .she took one. I bought a bottie of Bacardi one time and ft came with two pretty little glasses.. .she took one. That's a smart Mexican bitch. A white giri would have said, " Kris, I know you bought these so I'm going to leave them for you." Not her. No way. I guess she thought, " If she's not going to be drinking with me she's not going to be drinking with anyone. My experience with "White giris has been very different than with Mexicans. If you walk into a bar with a white giri and stare at someone else she's going to say, "Now honey, you know that I think ft is very disrespectful when you look at other girls in my presence." Shft! If you walk into a bar with a Mexican giri and look at someone else, you will get beat upside the head. 87 KRIS (continued) "You want to look at her? Huh? What if 1 go beat her up? That'll give you something to look at." My advice is to look down the entire night and let her lead the way. END OF SCENE SCENE SEVEN SETTING: A room with a table and chairs. AT RISE: Kris and GRACE are sitting at a table. KRIS Maria left me. GRACE That's good. KRIS What do you mean that's good? I love her. GRACE It's probably for the best. KRIS I'm trying to talk to you. How can you say that? GRACE It will pass. KRIS But I... GRACE Don't cry. It was wrong. (GRACE exfts.) KRIS Get over it? All my life I got over it. I held everything in just like you wanted me to. You'd deny anything just to seem normal. You hide everything. Remember when I came to you so that you could button my pants when I was little? He was fucking me! (GRACE walks back in.) GRACE What did you say? 89 KRIS What do you care? GRACE Did Eddie do something to you when you were little? KRIS Don't try to play dumb. How did you know I was talking about Eddie? (Pause) I told you. (Pause) 1 told you! You did nothing. You let it happen to me! GRACE My God! What are you saying? How dare you. (GRACE slaps KRIS) KRIS Get over it. GRACE I'm sorry...I KRIS Get away from me. GRACE Eddie was a kid too. KRIS 'What? GRACE You were kids and didn't know what you were doing. We tried.. .ft stopped. KRIS He was older than me. He knew what he was doing. GRACE He was only four years older. KRIS So that makes it OK? GRACE I'm sorry that it happened to you but you can't go around blaming him for everything tiiat 90 GRACE (continued) happens to you. He has nothing to do with all your mistakes. Mija, you have to let things go. KRIS You know, this family is great at ignoring things. Just let it go. Sometimes I wonder why my poor brother is an alcoholic. What happened to him? What was he forced to let go? GRACE Stop being so dramatic. KRIS Dramatic? GRACE Look, I'm sorry that ft happened to you. (Pause) Where did it happen? KRIS Over by his house or by the rocks. GRACE Why didn't you just yell? KRIS I didn't exactly know that it was wrong. Mother. GRACE How could you not know it was wrong? KRIS I was five! Don't worry though, I know now. I think I've been punished enough. GRACE You're not bad. KRIS It's too late now. (There is a long pause. GRACE and KRIS just look at each other.) KRIS Can I borrow some money? END OF SCENE 91 SCENE EIGHT SETTING: A room with a table and chairs. AT RISE: KRIS is sitting on the floor and GRACE is standing above her. KRIS Why do we have to go see that lady? If I'm not supposed to tell anybody then why are we going? She is not going to make me straight you know. (GRACE is mbbing an egg all over KRIS.) GRACE Our Father, who art in heaven; hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen. (GRACE cracks open the egg and puts it in a glass of water.) KRIS I'm still gay. (A light comes up on the microphone. KRIS walks over to it as GRACE exits.) "When I see a really beautiful giri I tell her, " I need to touch you before I give you ojo. Oh my, I think I may have already. That's OK cause I carry my very own egg around. (KRIS watches the imaginary girl leave.) Waft! Where are you going? I have to cure you. Well, I guess I'll just have to light a candle for you. END OF SCENE 92 SCENE NINE SETTING: A room with a table and chairs. AT RISE: Kris is sitting on stage crying and Juan enters. JUAN Kris? Your mom told me what happened. (KRIS gets up and hugs JUAN.) JUAN I didn't know...well, I thought... KRIS I told mom that you wouldn't stop loving me. I told... JUAN Of course not... KRIS I knew you would love me even though I'm gay. JUAN "What? KRIS You said mom told you. JUAN About Eddie. KRIS Well, I guess I let that one out of the bag. JUAN You're gay? KRIS Yes. JUAN Cause of Eddie? 93 KRIS No, he had nothing to do with it. Dad...papi...pops JUAN What? KRIS It doesn't matter, right? (JUAN exits. Long pause.) KRIS But you told me to stay away from boys. END OF SCENE 94 SCENE TEN SETTING: A room with a table and chairs. AT RISE: GRACE and JUAN are sitting at the table. JUAN Why didn't you tell me about Kris? I did. GRACE JUAN GRACE I'm talking about her being gay. Who told you? Kris. I told her not to tell you. JUAN GRACE JUAN Why? GRACE Maybe it will go away. JUAN You should have told me. People are talking about her. Laughing at us. Is that what you want? For me to look like some pinche baboso. She's not gay. GRACE Que hacemos? JUAN She needs a boyfriend. GRACE I don't think she's dated boys. 95 JUAN Pues, there you go. What about Jimmy? GRACE Not him! Why not? JUAN He's just not good. GRACE JUAN "What do you mean? GRACE He can't date Kris. JUAN "Why not? GRACE Because. JUAN Because why? GRACE Esjoto! JUAN Him too! GRACE Yes! It's going around. Who else can we get? JUAN Eddie! He's perfect. He did this. Now he can undo ft...I mean he's my godson. "What am I supposed to do? After all these years? Where did it happen? Did you know? GRACE Are you crazy? 96 JUAN Let'sjust get over all that, ft will work. He can undo all the damage. No, you know what.. .we did this. GRACE What? JUAN GRACE I am not going to get over it and I know that Kris will never get over it You didn't see the look of pure hate in that kid's eyes. She looked at me like she could kill me I didn't even recognize our little girl behind those eyes. (KRIS enters.) KRIS I'm leaving. I'll call you when I get home. JUAN Why are you gay? KRIS I've always been gay. GRACE Mija, God doesn't make gay people. JUAN He doesn't make people killers. KRIS So, I chose this? JUAN Yes. KRIS I am so glad that I finally know the tmth. I just would have kept on living my life thinking that I was really gay. Imagine that! You have just saved me so much pain. Thank you guys. And to think that the answer was so simple, "God doesn't make people gay just like he doesn't make them killers." 97 JUAN Don't talk to us like that. KRIS How's this? Every time 1 thought 1 couldn't make it anymore I thought of you two. I thought of how poor you were growing up and how much you stmggled to make my life better. I thought of all the racist shit you must have put up with so that your kids could be American. All the sacrifices you made for me, but you wouldn't give me love. That's all 1 wanted. I look at you now, and you make me want to die. (KRIS exits) GRACE Kris! JUAN Deja la. GRACE What if she hurts herself? JUAN She won't. GRACE I remember the last time I tmsted you. What did you say, "She'll be OK. What can she possibly remember about Eddie. She's only five." JUAN I thought it was right. GRACE Well ft wasn't. END OF SCENE 98 SCENE ELEVEN SETTING: A kitchen table. AT RISE: JUAN, GRACE, and EDDIE are sitting at the table. EDDIE How are things at work? JUAN Good. EDDIE Do they need an extra hand out there? JUAN No. I want to talk about something. EDDIE Sure. JUAN Kris is gay... because of you. EDDIE What are you saying? I didn't do anything? GRACE What Juan is trying to say... JUAN Grace. Will you talk to her? EDDIE About what? JUAN She's just a tomboy and maybe if you can just tell her how pretty she is, or something. Just let her know that men can be interested in her. EDDIE OK. Is that all? 99 JUAN Yes. EDDIE I'm gonna go. Have a good afternoon. GRACE You too. Tell your parents we said hi. (EDDIE exits.) JUAN What's for dinner? GRACE What did you just do? JUAN I took care of it. You said I didn't do ft right. What do you want? GRACE I wanted you to say that he raped her? JUAN Did you see it? Does it make it go away? (JUAN exits) END OF SCENE 100 SCENE TWELVE SETTING: A room with a table and chairs AT RISE: Hey. KRIS My parents aren't here. EDDIE I didn't come to see them. KRIS Then? EDDIE I came to see you. KRIS '\\Tiat for? EDDIE How's school? KRIS Great! How's your minimum wage, dead-end job? EDDIE Good. So, you're good. That's good. Well, I'm here'cause your parents asked me to talk to you. KRIS About what? EDDIE They told me you thought you were gay. KRIS Well, I'm glad they accept it enough to talk about it. KRIS is sitting at the table. There is a beat and then EDDIE walks in. EDDIE 101 They said you're confused. EDDIE KRIS Whatever, what do you want? EDDIE Your father thinks that it would be a good idea if we dated. KRIS My father would never do that. He knows. EDDIE He knows what? KRIS He knows what you did to me when we were littie. EDDIE What are you talking about? KRIS Oh, has it conveniently slipped your mind? EDDIE I really don't know what you're talking about. KRIS I'm talking about how you used to molest me! EDDIE "What the fuck? I never molested you. We were playing. Is that why you are gay? KRIS Get the fuck out. My father would never want me to date you. You're a loser. EDDIE Well, he thinks I am good enough for you. KRIS Get the fuck out of my face! ft was not all fun and games, Eddie. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you being everywhere I am. I'm tired of seeing you in everybody's face. 102 EDDIE You're crazy. KRIS I've fought all my life. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm fighting against but I know I'm definitely losing. EDDIE I'm... KRIS Please leave me alone. Once and for all, leave me alone. I will always hate you. EDDIE It's not my fault. KRIS So it's my fault? EDDIE That's not what I'm saying. KRIS Then, what are you saying? EDDIE Look, I was young too. KRIS Not too young to stick your God damn dick in me! EDDIE You wanted it just as bad as I did! KRIS No I didn't! You know that. How many times did you make me bleed? How many times did you make me cry? How many times did I beg you to stop? EDDIE I couldn't stop! KRIS Yes you could have! 103 EDDIE My brothers were watching! KRIS What? EDDIE If I stopped then my brothers would make fun of me. KRIS So you raped me so that you could look good in front of your brothers? EDDIE Don't use that word. KRIS Rape? Rape, rape, rape, rape, rape... (EDDIE grabs her by the shoulders.) EDDIE Stop that! (KRIS pulls away.) KRIS Asshole, you were man enough to do it but you aren't man enough to own up to it. EDDIE "What are you going to do about it? KRIS I'm not going to the police if that's what you're asking. EDDIE Thanks. KRIS Fuck you. I told you I'm tired. EDDIE So what are you going to do? 104 KRIS I'm trying to write a letter so if you don't mind, get out. EDDIE Right. (EDDIE begins to walk out.) KRIS You've defined who 1 am all my life. EDDIE What do you mean define? KRIS You don't know what that means? EDDIE No. What? (Long Pause) KRIS Nothing. It doesn't mean anything. Leave. EDDIE I'm sorry. KRIS "Why couldn't you have been a monster? EDDIE "What? KRIS I wish you were a monster. If you would have been meaner maybe.. .in my mind I made you out to be a monster. EDDIE I made you older. (EDDIE exits.) END OF SCENE 105 SCENE THDITEEN SETTING: A kitchen table. AT RISE: GRACE is sitting at the table cleaning beans. GRACE The good Lord has given me a good life. He has blessed me with a wonderful husband and children. It's hard to find a good husband. My Juan was never a drunk. He worked hard all his life. He was such a stubborn man when I first met him. Skinny too. Now, I think I fed him too much. Men need to be taken care of May the Lord continue to bless my family. I can't wait to have grandchildren; little girls to make dresses for. END OF SCENE 106 SCENE FOURTEEN SETTING: Kris'place. AT RISE: KRIS is standing at the edge of the stage. EDDIE walks in and stands right by her. KRIS I confess to almighty God EDDIE You want to suck my dick? KRIS And to you, my brothers and sisters. EDDIE I control you. KRIS That I have sinned through my own fault. EDDIE You wanted it just as much as I did. KRIS In my thoughts and in my words. EDDIE You still want it. KRIS In what I have done. EDDIE If you didn't like ft you wouldn't have fucked all those men. KRIS And in what I have failed to do. EDDIE Take off your pants. 107 KRIS And I ask blessed Mary, ever virgin. EDDIE Are you hot? KRIS All the angels and saints. EDDIE Lay down. KRIS And you, my brothers and sisters. EDDIE Can you button my pants? KRIS To pray for me to the lord our God. EDDIE I control you. (GRACE enters) GRACE God doesn't make people gay. (JUAN enters) JUAN Just like he doesn't make them killers. GRACE You're a tomboy. JUAN I just want you to be my little girl. EDDIE I will always control you. 108 KRIS You don't control me. Not anymore. (KRIS puts the gun down by her side. After a pause a spot light comes up on EDDIE. KRIS addresses him.) KRIS You beat me when 1 was five. This time I'm taking control. (EDDIE yells but nothing comes out.) I'm sorry, 1 can't hear you anymore. (The light goes out on EDDIE and comes up on GRACE and JUAN. KRIS addresses them.) I think I'm going to be OK. Even if you're not. I've decided that it's time for me to accept you for who you are. I know that we are different generations and we don't think the same. I have to deal with that. I also have to live my life the way I want whether you like it or not. (Pause) You don't pay my bills. (There is a long silence.) At least I'm not pregnant. When I was little my parents used to say, "Don't play with boys." Now they say, "Don't play with girls." I'm so confiised. I want maternity leave. I'm never gonna have a baby but I think I deserve to use the leave anyway. I have my period every month. That entitles me to a vacation. Maybe I'll buy a dog and use the leave then. Who knows, maybe I could trade my leave for a better parking spot. My leave can be like cigarettes in prison. That's what I love about being gay. The little loop holes. You know what I love about being Mexican? I get to see my cousins every Saturday at the flea market, ft's a regular family reunion. We eat some com, catch up on things and we shop. The best thing about a flea market is that you can bargain down the price of anything. It doesn't matter what it is. I took my friend one day and she asked me, "what did you just buy?" I don't know, but I got ft for five bucks. After I've been at the flea market all day I get used to bargaining which can be bad cause then I walk into a bar and order a beer. The bar tender says, "That's two fifty." I'll give you two? Thank you very much. That's all the time I have for today. THE END 109 no PERMISSION TO COPY In presenting this thesis m partialftilfilbnentof tiie requirements for a master's degree at Texas Tech University or Texas Tech University Healtii Sciences Center, I agree that the Library and my major department shall make it freely available for research purposes. Permission to copy this thesis for scholarly purposes may be granted by the Director of tiie Library or my major professor. It is understood that any copying or publication of this thesis for financial gain shall not be allowed without my further written permission and that any user may be liable for copyright infringement. Agree (Permission is granted.) Smdent ^ignamre Date Disagree (Permission is not granted.) Smdent Signamre Date

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