IS BREAD DANGEROUS
Research on bread indicates that:
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More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
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More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
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Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
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Newborn babies can choke bread. on Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
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Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following :
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No sale of bread to minors. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
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A 300 percent federal tax on bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
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