Comments I Made Current Forum: Project One Date: Fri Sep 24, 2004 8:47 pm Author: HILL, PHILLIP AARON &lt;[e-mail]&gt; Subject: I tried to get you out of the sun... Hey Franzi. Good paper overall, but I agree with Chris that it was a little dry in some places...the only improvement I would make is a good punch in old Jasper's face. No not really (or really?!!!). Fantastic job running the gammut of suggested hypermedia (tsk tsk tsk you grade grubber, you). All you need is a video (really I expected better from you). I was just impressed with the barrage of information...almost got a black eye...Very well incorporated, however. I think the appearance of Ol' Jasper was hilarious how you &quot;felt a chill&quot; then all of a sudden a ghost appears and without batting an eye lash you ask him questions on his work. You're a tough cookie, not even ghostly apparitions can sway you from your studies. There were a couple sentences that were a bit laborious to read so, without further ado: &quot;Remembering having turned off the air conditioning before I began researching, I turned around&quot; This sentence doesn't jive as well with the rest of the paper what with all the -ing words in one place. You aren't Eminem. Besides you have a pretty terse, pedantic style going on so you know...whatever. Plus it just feels a tad roundabout. I might try (are you ready for this?): &quot;I remembered that I had turned off the air conditioner, so I turned around.&quot; This is one of the more conversational points in your paper so it might help to be a little more candid. I think you need absolutely no help increasing the length of the paper and its strongest suit is the amount of information you are citing, so I wouldn't extricate any of the facts either for fear of debasing all that you hold holy and blah blah blah, but I would try and locate some of those overly reflexive sentences, there were a handful and try and simplify them. ENOUGH!!! Current Forum: Project One Date: Fri Sep 24, 2004 9:06 pm Author: HILL, PHILLIP AARON &lt;[e-mail]&gt; Subject: ...And I tried to fight you off like a matador... Dear Chris, I liked your paper, but I think it'd benefit from the two duking it out greco-roman style. But I digress. I never would have thought to pair Janis Joplin with Oscar Meyer Weiner, but hey, that's just me. I think you only did it to see how many times you could get away with your pottymouth diction. Tally: Fuck-1 Shit-8. I think the paper might benefit from some more background information on the Wilde Child since I did not feel particularly connected with his sense of place or his association with Oxford. It felt more like talking about the relationship rather than the relationship itself. Shit fuck shit fuck shit (half way up the shits, I'm winning in the fucks). Digression 2: The sentence I would improve is none other than the first one which does not agree with the verb tense of the rest of your paper. Sure it's in italics and all, but its just an expository paragraph that would be harmonious with the second paragraph if the tense was changed and the italics were taking away. Keep your italics by all means. Also, try and get rid of some commas. The old rule about putting one in everytime you breathe or pause is somewhat cumbersome in papers like this, plus it makes it seem like you're hyperventilating. I think it would jive better with the rest of the paper to read as follows: The ghost of Oscar Wilde ascended the steps of the University Tower, coming yet again for a meeting with his friend of some years, a ghostly young lady by the name of Janis Joplin. Also, on a strict matter of personal tastes (as if any of this above wasn't), it seems as though Oscar de la Hoya and the two-faced Roman deity are talking as though they are friends of a smaller time period than several years. But hey, maybe I just never had friends that long. I'm so very lonely... Current Forum: Project One Date: Fri Sep 24, 2004 9:24 pm Author: HILL, PHILLIP AARON &lt;[e-mail]&gt; Subject: ...Then I was bored... Billy, Don't worry, the subject line up there isn't about your paper. Its a running theme for those who are trying to decipher my enigma. Your paper is one of my favorites so far. It is very...natural...I intended to tell everyone that they should somehow involve fisticuffs as a joke, but damn you I just couldn't bring myself to do it. You're characters are very likable. I also enjoyed the fact that you are a plan two student, but do not feel the need to assail your readers with unnecessary polysyllabic words and pretentious statements. You even had a great punch at the end about discovery learning. &quot;I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.&quot; Like Chris above, I'm really only concerned about you maintaining your rhythm. The story's first speed bump for me is: I looked the man over. He was dressed formally in a coat and tie, had grey hair, and a full beard. I noticed a small, red name tag on the lapel of his coat. It read, Dr. J.M. Coetzee. The name sounded vaguely familiar. Suddenly I remembered why. You might benefit from some compound sentences. Try: I looked the man over; he was dressed formally in a cout and tie, had grey hair, and a full beard. I noticed a small, red name tag on the lapel of his cout that read &quot;Dr J.M. Coetzee.&quot; The name sounded vaguely familiar and I suddenly remembered why. Just helps the flow a little better instead of stopping and starting so many times. You may want to decrease the amount of exposition just to get to the point sooner. I personally like the quantity, but since we are obligated to make a suggestion, really the only thing I would change is some of the extraneous set-up so that the hungry reader might get to the meat a little sooner (I'm so poetic). Again great job with the paper, it really did feel like a saturday bike ride. ...punch someone in the face. Current Forum: Project One Date: Fri Sep 24, 2004 9:57 pm Author: HILL, PHILLIP AARON &lt;[e-mail]&gt; Subject: ...I tried to fly you back to the sun... Amonnnnnnda, I like your characterizations of Newton and Treisman. I think their initial meeting would be better if Newton was so upset about the potential of people stealing his theories he jumped Treisman and taught him a thing or two about physics, OH! No?... Nothing?... Ok, ok ok, well...what if he hurls an apple at Treisman and...eh, I've got nothing. Seriously though (I'll be here all night folks), I also enjoyed you're use of detail and scenery. The descriptions really brought the place to life as well as the natural dialogue. I do get bogged down from time to time in your word choice, but maybe you are going for a nice juxtaposition of your verbiage with their more commonplace vocabulary (yah, stroke your own ego some more, just kidding). They are also very fitting individuals to have in conversation, clever design on your part. Touche Amanda. There are some syntactical moves in the realm of punctuation that I find a trifle questionable, namely the use of a comma instead of the good ol' dash. I think you'd be better suited to make use of the dash in a couple instances. I found this sentence to be mildly irksome: This is my office in the Robert L. Moore building1[13] at the University of Texas in the city of Austin, or it was, in 2004. I m not quite sure where we are now. 1 Only because Treisman seems to be a fan of Newton, so its likely that he knows that Newton lived in the 1600's and likely had no concept of the University of Texas or Austin or the RL Moore building. I might just say &quot;This is my office in the year 2004&quot; or something along those lines. Plus you already said &quot;In the Robert L. Moore building at the University of Texas&quot; above. Also, your method is very conversational, so I think that if he did want to refer to his own building despite Newton's unfamiliarity with it, he would say RLM instead of Robert L. Moore. I think you might also benefit from addressing Newton's relationship to Cambridge a little more. You do a fantastic job with the dialogue and discussing the connections between the individuals, but the prompt seems to focus more on the relationship to the university. Current Forum: Project One Date: Fri Sep 24, 2004 10:16 pm Author: HILL, PHILLIP AARON &lt;[e-mail]&gt; Subject: ...And you were attacked by giant centepedes... Smellya, Well, in order to keep up my running gag, I'd have to suggest that you're paper would benefit from you punching yourself in the face. So...you know...go with that... Hahaha, you do run into things a lot. You're classic. But you just had to talk in Spanish didn't you? Showboating razumfraggum mumble mumble mumble. I enjoy the tense of the whole work, its a nice break to deal entirely in the present. You had some existential worries above (to which I completely relate, but is totally beside the point) and maybe subconciously you were trying to convey the impotance of the present moment by writing your paper in the present tense. There's some good Plan II bs for you eh? (Note to Bump: this is how we talk to each other). Ok ok ok, time to focus. Nice tie to Jude the Obscure, I think a lot of people forgot that they were advised to connect with works in class, including myself (2 points! ...grade monger). Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I'd like to see more paragraph breaks to make it easier on the old peepers. I'd also just like, oh my god, absolutely die if you could separate the two speakers when they converse...that'd be...just too beautiful for words. My sentence is &quot;I notice that what he just presented to me is a dualism, one between intellect and emotion.&quot; I think it'd be super keen to streamline that statement saying &quot;I notice that he has presented me with a dualism--one between intellect and emotion.&quot; Just to lose some excess verbiage. The simplicity of the syntax complements the gravity of the discussion very well and I wonder if you actually have these sentiments you speak of or if you just used them as a way to tie yourself to <a href="/keyword/donnie-darko/" >donnie darko</a> (if its the latter I'll just...I'll just die ::tears::). Like Amooooooonda, I think you too might benefit from a little more presentation of Don Corleone's relationship with Salamanca, just to stick strictly with the prompt. ...And then punch him in the face. Current Forum: Project One Date: Fri Sep 24, 2004 11:21 pm Author: HILL, PHILLIP AARON &lt;[e-mail]&gt; Subject: ...Now I'm Set Free... Thida, You hate balding guys with glasses?! Me too!!! We should go gangbusters on them vigilante style. We can write about it, that'll inflate your word count yep yep. I dig your brusque sentences. It creates a really dark mood for the work, a nice break from the blank or happy-go-luckiness that seems to dominate. The beginning is very conversational too, seems almost Catcher in the Rye-ish with the tone and the syntax and the crazy narrator. I'm actually listening to Pink Floyd right now which, as we all know, wrote about nothing else but going insane in the time period between Sid Barrett's institutionalization and Roger Watter's departure. So it is oddly befitting. You had this in mind didn't you? You Sly Boots... When you say &quot;But it does not you know&quot; however, you should probably slap some commas on that baby, so its more like the audible pause or plight for empathy that it is (&quot;But it does not, you know,...). I think you too might benefit from more line breaks, especially in the dialogue, just for the reader's sake. Good use of quotes and other things, relating the views to what we've studied in class and what not. You're sentences are almost too brief (but good) to critique. They are as short as humanly possible, yet contain the most meaning. Its a very common problem in Plan II to overwrite so congrats on your part. It is just a personal thing, but below, you are conveying a certain since of awe and accomplishment and it is very minute, but I'd like to see that synergy kept up: &quot;His luminous eyes are filled with a burning ambition[20] as he relives his triumph from just that morning. &quot; Changing it from &quot;just that morning&quot; to &quot;that very morning&quot; won't change the word count at all, but it seems to me to convey more the tone you are going for. At least the tone I am garnering. Of all the papers I've read, I think your's is the most perfect as far as filling each sentence with content. I wish I had that ability, but hey I'm a crappy writer and I just want to make people laugh. I just cannot really suggest anything to inflate or deflate your word count and since no one else has said anything, I'll just say that I agree with whatever anyone else can come up with to effect your word count (though you'll know at heart I think it is perfect just the way it is). Lets punch Baldy! Current Forum: Project One Date: Fri Sep 24, 2004 10:35 pm Author: HILL, PHILLIP AARON &lt;[e-mail]&gt; Subject: ...Now I'm set free... Violin-Playing-Fool-Fresh-Outta-Violin-Playing-School, I'm getting tired so I can't be as much of a knee-slapping hysterical riot (*cough cough*) as I have been in my earlier responses. Let's just get to the point shall we. Disembodied voice yelling at you? Man I wouldn't take that from no voice. I'd grab that voice by its...voice...and you know...proceed to trounce it soundly. Now that the compulsory punching joke is out of the way, the sentence I wanted to choose for you jumped right off the page at me: NO! Berke Breathed, like method! says the voice, clearly ready to exact its vengeance on his chosen people. I'm not really sure what the latter half of that sentence even means, but I suppose I'...