3: Chapter Getting Together
Setting the Family Cycle Turning
Courtship is also referred to as mate selection
According to Erik Erikson (1982) there are a few developmental tasks that are
important in relationships
o In young adulthood, establishing intimacy
o Building a foundation for the couples relationship. Things such as
communication, and trust
In societies where couples do not have free choice of a partner, shared experiences
include expectations of their families and society at large
Mate Selection and Society
Courtships are divided into two basic streams
o Those decided by the couple
o Those decided by the family
Family membership and responsibilities of individuals are key in a social security
system
Marriages are mainly due to maintain appropriate status and to increase family
economic well-being
When social security system fails in an Asian Indian society there is expectation
extended family members will help
When social security system fails in North American society, society as a whole is
expected to fill the gap
The Courtship Continuum
Arranged marriages and self-chosen unions
Marriage as exchange (arranged marriages), and marriage as shared emotion (self
chosen marriages)
Exchange theory: men show off their material assets, where as women show off
their physical appearance (sometimes their financial support)
Matchmaker, Matchmaker- Arranging Marriages
Consideration done by matchmakers: eligibility, similar background, horoscopes,
financial and social position, and possibly personalities
Endogamy is allowing marriage to one at the same social level
Family is involved in couples relationship
In New France and Upper Canada people were encouraged to marry for family
and property
Unmarried lost privileges
Sikh immigrants to BC were not allowed to bring family with them or seek white
women
Indians living in North America see marriage as a route to immigration, in return
the other mate offers their ability to earn a living and keep up religious traditions
The Shift Toward Free Choice
Changes in attitudes towards premarital sexual experience, reflect changing social
conditions and increases scientific knowledge
Early Years of Settlement
Actual practices were related to three phases
o Exploration of wilderness
o Establishment of new settlements
o Growth of larger towns and cities
Exploration phase includes era of fir traders, survival depended on
resourcefulness
Mate selection depended on if partner was strong and healthy, if they were hard
workers.
In cities, where a greater variety of jobs was available, parents control weakened,
and young people could please themselves more
A New Custom- Dating (and Beyond)
Dating
WWI transformed Canadian society, in terms of dating
Dating serves 4 functions:
1. Can add to a persons status
2. A form of socialization
3. Form of recreation, engaged in for fun
4. A part of courtship, with purpose of marriage
As dating crept into the social life of young teens, so did going steady
Hooking up switched from people hanging out in groups to intimacy
Those in a romantic relationship at high school graduation will likely marry in
early adulthood
Those in non-romantic sexual relationship, are likelier to cohabit
Homosexuality is dating the same sex
Closeted is remaining unsure about their homosexual identity and doesnt want
anyone to know
In mid-life men are more interested in sexual activity
In older widowed people, both men and women interested in dating were looking
for companionship
Living Together
About at 6 months at dating
Main reasons
o Finances
o Convenience
o Housing needs
Cohabitation means living together
2 types
o Not forming a family with children (trial run at marriage)
o Seeing children in their relationship
Living Apart Together (LAT)
Regarded as a couple
Leads to cohabitation or marriage
Reasons for this include
o Individuality
o Responsibilities
o Not financially stable (still living with parents)
Freedom of Choice
Legal barriers, such as only people able to marry one person at a time, or
marrying a person of the same sex
Incest taboo which appears in some form of every society and which prohibits
mating between closely related individuals
brothers Adopted and sisters cannot marry each other
Stepsiblings are not related but are frowned upon when they marry
Parents decide where to live, go to school, and which neighbors you have, which
influences your choice of mates
Enclaves is people of a minority culture who live as a group within the larger
society
We are most likely to marry someone of the same intelligence, education, physical
attractiveness, age, religious and ethnic background and personal habits
Homogamy is the tendency to marry someone similar to oneself
Geographical and social factors
The Disadvantaged in Romance
People who differ from the stereotypic men and women have problems
establishing an intimate relationship
Disadvantaged groups
o People of size
o Physical differences (not supposed to be interested in sex, marriage or
child-rearing)
o Older people, especially older women (cougar is a term for older women
going after younger men)
The Never Married
Unmarried people are seen as somehow defective in personality; they are also
considered to be leading tragic lives
Singleness increases with age
Educated women are most likely to marry, compared to uneducated women
Degree of pressure to marry depends on relatives, ethnic background, and
personal circumstances
Celibacy means living without sexual gratification
This term can be used to help with meditation and spiritual liberation
The unmarried include homosexual and heterosexual cohabitating couples
Sexuality
There have been four approaches to sexual relations among unmarried people
o The marital
o Double
o Sex-with-affection
o Sex-for-pleasure
Marital standard: sex is permissible only in marriage and only to produce children
The double standard, is where men are allowed more sexual freedom than women
Many people believed that semen was a life force and that men were weakened if
they spilled too much
Red meat was blamed for inciting sexual passions
The sex-for-fun standard, became acceptable for women around the late sixties
and early seventies
o This was due to the fact that many people did not obey their parents
values, and the pill was introduced
About 13% of adolescents have sexual intercourse before the age of 14
Factors that contribute to teenagers participating in sexual activity:
o Permissive attitudes
o Use of alcohol
o Peer groups
Polyamory is having more than one relationship at a time, including long-term
and short-term
Token resistance to sex means that women say no even though they mean yes
The greatest number of incidents of HIV, including AIDs, is most common in men
having sex with men
The Love Ideal
Romantic love is referred to as a strong emotional attachment between
adolescents or adults, or as a mixture of desire and tenderness, of comradely
affection and playfulness
The Road to Romantic Love
Young knights who did not have the finances for marriage diverted their sexual
energy to the lady of manor by doing deeds to prove they were worthy of love
The Wheel of Love (Theory)
All forms of love and friendship develop through four processes
1. Feeling of rapport (being comfortable enough with someone to share personal
information)
2. Self-revelation (may encompass sexual activity and therefore are mostly in close
relationships)
3. Development of mutual dependencies (the beginning of when individuals begin to
rely on each other)
4. Personal-need fulfillment (if needs are fulfilled than there is growing rapport)
Obstacles to Love Relationships- The Communication Gap
Men use communication for achieving goals, establishing authority, and to attain
attention and power
Women use communication to build connections and to solve problems
Misunderstandings play a key role in nonverbal communication
Thorns in the Relationship
Two major problems in a relationship are: love gone bad and sex gone bad
Problems with love include unanswered passionate love and obsession with the
loved person
Premarital violence
Get Ready, Get Set
Two basic approaches to marriage prep
o Structural-functionalist theory- Traditional roles in marriage (men are
breadwinners, and women took care of the house and family)
o Symbolic-Interactionist theory- marriage prep courses, for husband and
wife