ch 13.ppt - Chapter13 Hurting The Ones We Love Relational...

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Unformatted text preview: Chapter13 Hurting The Ones We Love Relational Transgressions Hurt feelings in relationships Hurt Feelings in Relationships Those people with whom we share the strongest emotional connection have the power to hurt us in ways that others cannot The most hurtful messages involve devaluation – making someone feel unappreciated or unimportant Can feel devalued on the individual or relational level Hurt Feelings in Relationships Relational Transgressions – when people violate implicit or explicit relational rules May cause irreparable harm to the relationship Includes, but not limited to: Having sex with someone else Dating others Deceiving others about something important Physical violence Keeping secrets Hurt Feelings in Relationships Relational Transgressions Communication may affect how the social networks respond to the person who has transgressed Transgression-maximizing messages Transgression-minimizing messages Hurt Feelings in Relationships Hurtful Messages – words that bring about psychological pain Especially bad if perceived to be intentional Violate rules about how people should treat each other Hurt Feelings in Relationships Hurtful Messages Types Evaluation – negative judgments Accusations Informative statements – unwanted information Directives Threats Jokes – insults Deception Hurt Feelings in Relationships Hurtful Messages Responses Active verbal responses – confronts one’s partner about hurtful remarks Acquiescent responses – giving in and acknowledging partner’s ability to inflict hurt Especially likely in satisfying relationships Apologizing, crying, conceding Invulnerable responses - acting unaffected by the hurtful remark deception Deception Leads to feelings of betrayal and lack of trust Expecting the truth is part of having conversations Studies indicate we lie in about 25% of daily interactions Deception – intentionally managing verbal or nonverbal messages so that a receiver will believe or understand something in away that the sender knows is false Deception Types of Deception Lies – fabrication or falsification Equivocation – evasion; being indirect, ambiguous, or contradictory Concealment – omitting information one knows is important Exaggeration – stretching the truth Understatement – downplaying aspects of the truth Deception Motives for Deception Partner-Focused Motives – using deception to avoid hurting one’s partner, to help maintain the partner’s self-esteem, to avoid worrying the partner, to protect the relationship with a third party Seen as socially polite and relationally beneficial; altruistic (focused on another) Deception Motives for Deception Self-Focused Motives – wanting to enhance or protect one’s self-image, wanting to shield oneself from anger, embarrassment, criticism, or other harm Perceived as a more significant transgression than partner-focused motives because deceiver is acting for selfish reasons Deception Motives for Deception Relationship-Focused Motives – wanting to limit relational harm by avoiding conflict, relational trauma, or other unpleasant experiences May include partner- or self-focused motives Primarily about protecting the relationship Deception Motives for Deception 5 specific motives Maintain the relationship Manage face needs Negotiate dialectical tension Establish relational control Continue previous deception Deception Deception Detection Difficult to detect deception in everyday conversation, no completely reliable indicators Best to compare current behavior with normal, truthful behavior Deception Deception Detection Advantages of Relational Closeness Behavioral familiarity – recognize deviations from normal behavior Informational familiarity – you know certain things about your partner so they cannot lie about those things Deception Deception Detection Disadvantages of Relational Closeness Truth bias – we expect others, especially those we like or are close to, to be honest and we do not look for deception Behavioral control – deceivers try to control their nervous or guilty behaviors to appear friendly or truthful Deception Effects of Deception on Relationships Can help develop and maintain relationships, sometimes important, or even ethical, to deceive Partner-focused motives May help avoid arguments Allows people to downplay faults and accentuate virtues Date initiation Deception Effects of Deception on Relationships When people uncover a significant deception, they usually feel many negative emotions A leading cause of conflict and relationship breakups Can be harmful to one’s health, i.e. sexual activity infidelity Infidelity Infidelity has a very strong negative effect on relationships, possibly the least forgivable of hurtful events How sexual infidelity is discovered is important Most likely to be forgiven if partner confesses on their own Infidelity Types of Infidelity Sexual infidelity – sexual activity with someone other than one’s long term partner Emotional infidelity – involvement with another person, channeling emotional resources (love, time, attention) to someone else Communicative infidelity – using sexual activity with a third party to send a message to one ’s partner (jealousy, revenge) Online infidelity Infidelity Reasons for Infidelity Given its prevalence, it is important to understand why people engage in infidelity; may include Dissatisfaction with current relationship Boredom Need for excitement Wanting to feel attractive Sexual incompatibility with current partner Revenge Infidelity Behavioral Cues to Infidelity Sexual infidelity – observed changes in partner’s sexual behavior Emotional infidelity – partner displays the opposite of maintenance behaviors, acting distant, apathetic, and argumentative Infidelity Sex Differences in Reactions to Infidelity Evolutionary Hypothesis for Infidelity – predicts men should get more upset over sexual infidelity (concerns over parentage of children), while women should get more upset over emotional infidelity (loss of relationship, resources) Infidelity Sex Differences in Reactions to Infidelity Double-Shot Hypothesis – both men and women get upset when their partner has engaged in both sexual and emotional infidelity Men assume a woman will not be sexually active with someone they were not emotionally connected to Women assume men will sleep with someone if they are emotionally attached to them jealousy Jealousy Jealousy may be the result of a relational transgression or transgression itself (if the accusations/suspicions are unwarranted) Jealousy Characteristics of Jealousy Romantic jealousy occurs when a person perceives a third party is a threat to the existence or quality of a romantic relationship May be real or imagined May be triggered by social networking sites, various social connections Jealousy Characteristics of Jealousy Different from, but related to: Envy – when people want something of value that someone else has Rivalry – when two people are competing for something neither of them has Jealousy Experiencing Romantic Jealousy Cognitive – making appraisals regarding the source and severity of the threat Want to be able to plan coping strategies and assess outcomes Emotional – cluster of emotions Jealousy Experiencing Romantic Jealousy Jealous Thoughts Primary appraisals – general evaluations about the existence and quality of a rival relationship (does it exist) Jealousy Experiencing Romantic Jealousy Jealous Thoughts Secondary appraisals – more specific evaluations of the situation Assess motives Comparison to rivals Alternatives Potential loss Jealousy Experiencing Romantic Jealousy Jealous Emotions Fear and anger are most central Fear losing relationship Angry over betrayal Sadness Guilt over false accusations Jealousy Experiencing Romantic Jealousy Jealous Emotions Can lead to positive emotions Increased passion, love, and appreciation Sometimes people intentionally induce jealousy To make partner value the relationship more To get revenge Jealousy Communicative Responses to Jealousy Two types of constructive responses Integrative communication – direct, nonaggressive communication disclosing feelings and trying to reach an understanding Compensatory restoration – behavior aimed at improving the primary relationship or oneself i.e. trying to look more attractive or giving gifts Jealousy Communicative Responses to Jealousy Three destructive responses Negative communication – direct and indirectly aggressive such as sarcasm and withdrawing affection Counter-jealousy induction – trying to make the partner jealous, too Violent communication – both threats and actual violence Jealousy Communicative Responses to Jealousy Two avoidant responses Silence – decreasing communication; getting quiet, not talking as much Denial – pretending not to be jealous Jealousy Communicative Responses to Jealousy Four rival-based responses Signs of possession – displaying relationship publicly Derogating competitors – talk badly about the rival Surveillance – checking up on the partner, seeking information about potential rival Rival contacts – partner talks directly to the rival Jealousy Communicative Responses to Jealousy Most common responses are integrative communication and negative communication Jealousy Communicative Responses to Jealousy Important to consider how much emotion someone expresses when communicating jealousy People use different responses depending on their goals and emotions Do you want to keep the relationship? Are you angry or annoyed? Jealousy Jealousy and Relational Satisfaction Jealousy can be both a symptom and a cause of relational distress Jealous thoughts and feelings usually associated with relational dissatisfaction Many communicative responses (destructive responses) make situation worse Jealousy Sex Differences in Jealous Emotions and Communication Studies suggest that women feel more hurt, sadness and anxiety than men Women often blame themselves for the situation Men focus on bolstering their self-esteem Unrequited love Unrequited Love Unrequited Love – one person (would-be lover) wants to initiate or intensify a romantic relationship, but the other (rejector) does not Would-be lover has two options – have considerable risks, but there are possible positive outcomes Keep quiet Try to win the other’s love Unrequited Love Rejector - does not want relationship; sees only negative outcome Experiences feeling of guilt, frustration, even victimization Usually wants to save face of would-be lover May try to let the other person down easy, which can be misinterpreted Unrequited Love Would-be lovers have more accepted scripts to work from Rejector does not have clearly defined scripts May have to resort to harsher and more direct messages if would-be lover persists Obsessive relational intrusion Obsessive Relational Intrusion Obsessive Relational Intrusion - Sometimes, would-be lover does not accept rejection and persistently pursues rejector Engages in unwanted behaviors that invade the othe r’s privacy and are used for the purpose of trying to get close to someone Repeated calls/texts Spreading false rumors Stalking behaviors (following someone everywhere) About inducing fear and making threats Violence Obsessive Relational Intrusion Reasons People Use ORI Behaviors Relational Goal Pursuit Theory – people expend energy to develop or re-initiate relationships to the extent that they perceive a relationship is desirable and attainable Goal-linking – associating relationship with other more general life goals (like happiness or success) ORI typically increase in intensity as the object of desire tries to fortify privacy boundaries Obsessive Relational Intrusion Reasons People Use ORI Behaviors Cultural Scripts – often portray people as playing hard-to-get, and if the pursuer tries hard enough, they will win the object of their affection Ambiguous Communication – people may incorrectly interpret flirting/courtship or rejection messages Obsessive Relational Intrusion Reasons People Use ORI Behaviors Rumination – people try harder to win the other to alleviate the negative feelings they have because they cannot get what they want Revenge – shift in motivation due to feeling humiliated by the other May lead to more aggressive behaviors, including stalking Obsessive Relational Intrusion Consequences of ORI Behavior Can be devastating psychological consequences for the one being pursued Extreme and repeated fear Loss of control over privacy May have to change phone numbers, address, even jobs Obsessive Relational Intrusion Coping with ORI Behaviors Passive – waiting for the other to give up Avoidant Aggressive – being mean, rude, threatening Integrative – being direct, negotiating rules Help seeking Relational violence Relational Violence Violence is the least common of ORI behaviors More likely to occur in established relationships, that in unrequited love Relational Violence Common Couple Violence – occurs when conflict spirals out of control and partners resort to using violence as a way of venting emotions and trying to control the conflict Tends to be reciprocal – violence begets violence Usually includes less severe forms Throwing things Grabbing Shoving, pushing Slapping Relational Violence Common Couple Violence – 2 general patterns Repeated Common Couple Violence Occurs every couple of months as conflict escalates into violence on a fairly regular basis Isolated Common Couple Violence Occurs rarely as a conflict gets especially emotional and aggressive Relational Violence Common Couple Violence Often occurs alongside other aggressive forms of communication (verbal aggression) or when partners feel ignored People get frustrated and cannot communicate effectively Relational Violence Intimate Terrorism – a strategic and enduring pattern of behavior involving using violence to control a partner Unidirectional – one partner is the perpetrator, one is the victim Relational Violence Intimate Terrorism Perpetrators often cycle between being violent and being especially nice, apologetic and generous Sometimes seen as an inevitable side effect of having strong feelings for someone Relational Violence Intimate Terrorism More likely to be used by men than women (87% of cases studied) Women can be the perpetrators ...
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