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Chapter 8 Love

Chapter 8 Love - Chapter 8 Chapter 8 Love Red-winged...

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Unformatted text preview: Chapter 8 Chapter 8 Love Red-winged Blackbird Whiptail Lizard Cleaner Wrasse (Labroides dimidiatus) "Loving" Bonobos Bipedalism and the obstetrical dilemma What is love? What is love? "Love is friendship set on fire." ­ unknown "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing." ­ Goethe “Fortune and love favor the brave.” – Ovid Love and dignity cannot share the same abode. – Ovid Love is a kind of warfare. – Ovid "Love is blind.“ ­ Chaucer Helen Fisher Helen Fisher Anatomy of Love postulated three main phases of love: lust ­ an intense longing. attraction ­ an action that tends to draw people together. attachment ­ a bonding progression. A Brief History of Love Different cultures have held very different views of love: Cultural value: Is love desirable or undesirable? Sexuality: Should love be sexual or nonsexual? Sexual orientation: Should love involve same­sex or heterosexual partners? Marital status: Should we love our spouses, or is love reserved for others? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUvrCaesLDs Would You Marry Someone if You Were Not Would You Marry Someone if You Were Not in Love? 80 70 60 50 Percentage 40 Saying Yes 30 20 10 0 1967 1986 American Students Surveyed Men Women Types of Love The Triangular Theory of Love Three different building blocks are presumed to combine to form different types of love: – Intimacy – Passion – Commitment Types of Love Combinations of intimacy, passion, and commitment Different mixtures of these components create different experiences Intimacy Passion Commitment Nonlove Liking/friendship Infatuated loved Empty love Romantic love x x x x x Companionate love Fatuous love Consummate love x x x x x x x Passion I cannot imagine another person making me as happy as _____ does There is nothing more important to me than my relationship with _____ My relationship with _____ is very romantic I cannot imagine life without _____ I adore _____ I find myself thinking about _____ frequently during the day Just seeing _____ is exciting for me I find _____ very attractive physically I idealize _____ There is something almost `magical' about my relationship with _____ My relationship with _____ is very `alive' I especially like giving presents to _____ Intimacy I have a warm and comfortable relationship with _____ I experience intimate communication with _____ I strongly desire to promote the well-being of _____ I have a relationship of mutual understanding with _____ I received considerable emotional support from _____ I am able to count on _____in times of need _____ is able to count on me in times of need I value _____ greatly in my life I am willing to share myself and my possessions with _____ I experience great happiness with _____ I feel emotionally close to _____ I give considerable emotional support to _____ Commitment I will always feel a strong responsibility for _____ I expect my love for _____ to last for the rest of my life I can't imagine ending my relationship with _____ I view my relationship with _____ as permanent I would stay with _____ through the most difficult times I view my commitment to _____ as a matter of principle I am certain of my love for _____ I have decided that I love _____ I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _____ I view my relationship with _____ as, in part, a thought-out decision I could not let anything get in the way of my Types of Love Romantic love involves passion… …and any form of strong arousal, pleasant or unpleasant, can influence our feelings of romantic love. Excitation transfer occurs when arousal caused by one event fuels stronger emotional reactions to a second, unrelated event. Can fear fuel sexual attraction? Can fear fuel sexual attraction? Dutton & Aron (1974) Participants Young men (Ages 19­25) Procedure Half walked across high suspension bridge Half walked across low, stable bridge At end of bridge, male or female research assistant Asked to answer a few questions and tell a story about a picture Each participant was thanked and invited to call research assistant at home if wanted more information Types of Love A two­factor theory of romantic love proposes that such love results from: (a) physiological arousal that is paired with (b) the belief that another person is the cause of your arousal. Types of Love Some of the thoughts that underlie romantic love are apparent in a Love Scale that assesses: – Intimacy: “I feel that I can confide in my partner about virtually anything.” – Attachment: “If I could never be with my partner, I would be miserable.” – Caring: “I would do almost anything for my partner.” Types of Love Love is blind: When men expected to date a woman, they thought her lousy work was better than it really was. Types of Love Companionate Love Passionate love – As a combination of intimacy and commitment, companionate love is a comfortable, affectionate, trusting love based on friendship and companionship. – is an intense state of longing for union with another. Can come in the form of both ecstasy and anguish Types of Love Styles of Loving Eros – erotic love with a strong physical component Ludus – playful and uncommitted; love is a game Storge – love that emphasizes friendship and commitment Mania – possessive, obsessive love that is full of fantasy Agape – altruistic, selfless, dutiful love Pragma – practical and pragmatic, dispassionate love Individual Differences in Love Attachment Styles Early studies demonstrated that people with secure attachment styles experience more intimacy, passion, and commitment than people with anxious/ambivalent or avoidant styles do. Attachment Styles Bartholomew (1990) proposed four different categories of adult attachment. Which of these paragraphs best describe you? – “It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.” – “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.” – “I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.” – “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self­sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or to have others depend on me.” These four styles emerge, in part, from different global judgments of oneself and others: View of Other View of Self Positive Negative Secure Preoccupied Comfortable with Intimacy and Uneasy and vigilant toward any Positive interdependence; optimistic and threat to the relationship; needy sociable and jealous. Dismissing Self­reliant and uninterested in intimacy; indifferent and independent Fearful Fearful of rejection and Mistrustful of others; suspicious and shy Negative Attachment Styles Secure people are low in both anxiety over abandonment and avoidance of intimacy. In contrast, at least one of the two is higher in all of the other 3 styles, all of which are insecure. Attachment Styles Two themes are now thought to underlie the four styles: Anxiety over abandonment – describing the worry that others will find us unworthy and leave us, and Avoidance of intimacy – describing the ease and trust with which we accept interdependent intimacy with others Attachment Styles These themes influence important elements of interaction: Beliefs, expectations, and memories Communication Coping and caregiving Sexual behavior Personal well­being Relationship satisfaction Individual Differences in Love Age Most people mellow with age. Emotions are less intense, and generally more positive. Individual Differences in Love Men and Women Men and women are more similar than different when it comes to love. However, men are more likely to believe in “love at first sight,” and they want their loves to be passionate. Women are more cautious and selective, and they feel passion more slowly. Does Love Last? After two years of marriage, average spouses express affection for each other only half as often as they did when they were newlyweds. Divorces occur more frequently in the fourth year of marriage than at any other time. Does Love Last? Consider the frequency with which couples share sexual intercourse (which is one measure of passion). Passion clearly fades with time and experience. Does Love Last? So, What Does the Future Hold? ...
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