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Unformatted text preview: Chapter 10 Stresses and Strains Stresses And Strains Hurt Feelings Ostracism Jealousy Deception and Lying Betrayal Forgiveness Relational Evaluation
Various degrees of acceptance and rejection are possible, ranging from: maximal inclusion, in which others seek us out because they want to be with us, to: ambivalence, in which they don’t care whether we’re around or not, and on to: maximal exclusion, in which others banish us and send us away. Hurt Feelings
The feelings we experience are linked to others’ evaluations of us in a complex way: Outright hostility doesn’t hurt much more than simple ambivalence does. . . Or physical pain Relational devaluation – apparent decreases in others’ regard for us – causes hurt feelings that are much like the emotions that accompany physical pain. Ostracism
Ostracism, the “silent treatment,” occurs when others intentionally ignore us. Jealousy Jealousy is the unhappy combination of hurt, anger, and fear that occurs when people face the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival. – Reactive jealousy – Suspicious jealousy Jealousy
Who’s Prone to Jealousy? Individual differences in susceptibility to jealousy are related to: – Dependence on a relationship – Feelings of inadequacy in a relationship – Attachment styles – preoccupied people are prone to jealousy, whereas dismissing people are not – Personality traits – people high in neuroticism – Desire for sexual exclusivity – Traditional gender roles Jealousy
Who Gets Us Jealous? Rivals who make us look bad… An evolutionary perspective . . . Jealousy
Consider this compelling question: Please think of a serious, committed romantic relationship that you have had in the past, that you currently have, or that you would like to have. Imagine that you discover that the person with whom you’ve been seriously involved became interested in someone else. What would distress or upset you more (please pick only one): (a) Imagining your partner forming a deep emotional attachment to that person. (b) Imagining your partner enjoying passionate sexual intercourse with that other person. Jealousy
Responses to Jealousy People may respond to jealousy in either helpful or harmful ways. – Attachment styles matter. Those who are comfortable with closeness tend to express their concerns, trying to repair the relationship. Those who are dismissing or fearful tend to avoid the issue and to pretend that they don’t care. – Gender difference Jealousy Coping Constructively with Jealousy – We react irrationally when we behave as if our selfworth depends entirely on a particular partnership. Deception is intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows is false. We lie in 30 to 38% of all our interactions. College students lie in 50% of conversations with their mothers. 10,000,000 people lie to the IRS each year. 80% of us lie on our resumes. 70% of all doctors lie to insurance companies. 100% of dating couples surveyed lied to each other in about a third of their conversations. 20% 30% of middle managers surveyed had written fraudulent internal reports. 95% of participating college students surveyed were willing to tell at least one lie to a potential employer to win a job, and 41% had already done so. We are lied to about 200 times each day. Deception and Lying Deception and Lying So, How Well Can We Detect a Partner’s Deception? – With practice . . . – truth bias individuals assume that their partners are usually telling the truth. Betrayal
Betrayals are disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reasonably did not expect such misbehavior. Individual Differences in Betrayal The Two Sides to Every Betrayal Betrayal
Coping with Betrayal People report less anxiety and better coping when they: (a) acknowledge the betrayal instead of denying that it happened, (b) consider it an opportunity for personal growth, and (c) rely on their friends for support. Forgiveness Forgiveness occurs when we give up our perceived right to retaliate against, or hold in our debt, someone who has wronged us. Forgiveness occurs more readily when… – the offender apologizes, and – the victim is able to empathize with the offender, being able to imagine why the partner behaved as he or she did. ...
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This note was uploaded on 05/10/2009 for the course PSYC 359 taught by Professor Barone during the Spring '09 term at USC.
- Spring '09