Unformatted text preview: THE MAMMOTH BOOK OF TASTELESS JOKES Also available
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First published in the UK by Robinson, an imprint of Constable & Robinson, 2010
Copyright © E. Henry Thripshaw, 2010 (unless otherwise indicated)
The right of E. Henry Thripshaw to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in
accordance with the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or
otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than
that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the
A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data is available from the British Library
UK ISBN 978-1-84901-055-9
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
First published in the United States in 2010 by Running Press Book Publishers
All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copyright Conventions
This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic or
mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now
known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher.
Digit on the right indicates the number of this printing
US Library of Congress number: 2009943393
US ISBN 978-0-7624-4000-9
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Printed and bound in the EU AUTHOR'S NOTE
Congratulations on buying the special “bad taste” edition of this book. You have
chosen wisely. No depth has been left unplumbed, no barrel unscraped, no bar
unlowered to bring you this epic collection of xxx-rated jokes.
There is little or no inoffensive material in this book, apart from a few bland
acknowledgments and as they only appear in this opening introduction you are
almost past them now. The book itself is printed on non-recycled paper from nonrenewable sources, hand bound and printed using very cheap third world labour,
the pages glued into place using gelatin from rendered donkey hides and flown
thousands of miles to a bookshop near you, thus achieving a carbon footprint at
least fifteen times larger than normal for a book even of this size. By the simple act
of buying this unnecessarily fat volume, thus increasing the risk of a reprint, you
can congratulate yourself upon joining the ranks of some of the worst carbon
polluters on the planet.
Finally, I would like to thank the Royal Family for giving me access to the Windsor
joke archive, especially their large collection of gratuitously offensive racist
material. A special personal thanks also of course to HRH the Duke of Edinburgh
for his fine Diana jokes. It was also a great honour to have been one of the first
non-royals ever to have set eyes upon the Saxe Coburg Gotha dirty joke archive,
which I spent many happy hours poring over, although, alas, the legendary Queen
Mary “fisting joke” proved elusive.
In short, something to offend everyone, I hope.
E. Henry Thripshaw (Colonel) CONTENTS
Adam and Eve
America and Americans
Anal Sex Animals
Childbirth China and the Chinese
Kinky Sex Lawyers
Light Bulb Jokes
Men v Women
Necrophilia Nose Picking
Sex and the Elderly
Sexist Jokes About Men
Sexist Jokes About Women
Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Siamese Twins Skydiving
Vibrators Vive la France
An aardvark walks into a bar, orders a pint of beer, sits down and starts to read
his newspaper. The barman pulls a pint and takes it over to the aardvark, who
proffers a £10 note. The barman goes back to the till, returns with a pound coin and
duly gives it the aardvark, who doesn’t say a word.
The aardvark eventually downs his beer and calls for another one. The barman
says to him, “You know, we don’t get many aardvarks in here.”
The aardvark replies, “At £9 a pint, I’m not fucking surprised.” What do you call an aardvark that keeps getting his head kicked
A vark. ABORTIONS
Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
There’s a twelve-month waiting list.
What two purchased items are most likely to freak out a cashier?
A pregnancy test and a coat hanger.
Why is the Catholic Church so opposed to abortion?
Because it would mean fewer children to molest.
What do you call a man at an abortion clinic?
Relieved. What’s the difference between a television and a pregnant girlfriend?
If you put a coat hanger inside your pregnant girlfriend you don’t get a
very good reception.
Hear about the back-street abortionist whose business folded?
His ferret died.
What do you call an abortion in Prague?
A cancelled Czech. Why can’t you fool an aborted foetus?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday.
My girlfriend recently had an abortion.
Looking on the bright side, she also won Slimmer of the Week.
Two women were sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic. One noticed that
the other was knitting what appeared to be a little blue romper suit.
The first lady said to the knitter, “Excuse me, but don’t you think it is just a little bit
tasteless to be knitting a romper suit when you are about to have an abortion?”
“Not even remotely,” the second lady replied. “It’s a body bag.” ACCIDENTS
Two lumberjacks, Mark and his mate Jim, were cutting wood when Jim
accidentally sawed his arm off. Mark carefully wrapped the severed arm in a plastic
bag and rushed it and Jim to the nearest hospital. “Your friend is in luck!” the
surgeon told Mark. “I’m an expert at reattaching limbs. Come back in four hours.”
When Mark returned four hours later the surgeon said, “I got through the
operation much faster than expected. Your friend said to tell you that he has gone
to the pub.” Mark found this news quite hard to believe but he went to the pub, and,
amazingly, his friend Jim was enjoying a pint and a game of darts. A few months later, Mark and Jim were sawing wood again when the accidentprone Jim cut his leg off. Mark placed the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim
back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Legs are a little more complicated – come
back in six hours.” Mark returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished
early – your mate said to tell you he has gone to the park to play football.” Mark
went to the local playing fields and, sure enough, there was Jim, kicking a ball
A few months later the hapless Jim had yet another freak sawing accident and
was decapitated. Mark put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim
to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Heads are extremely difficult. Come back in
twelve hours.” So Mark returned in twelve hours, but was shocked when the
surgeon told him, “I’m sorry, your friend died.”
“I don’t understand, you said heads were just difficult.”
The surgeon replied, “No, the surgery went well. I’m afraid your friend suffocated
in that plastic bag.”
Tom was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through the floor and ripped off
both of his ears. As he was permanently disfigured, he settled for a very large sum
of money and left the company. At first he was highly self-conscious about his
disability and he stayed at home, keeping himself to himself. A few months later,
however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise
business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after
signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business.
He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out. After advertising in the
local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three
The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed
to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the
applicant commented, “I couldn’t help but notice, but you don’t appear to have any
ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then
that he was not right for the job.
The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At
the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different
She replied: “Well, you have no ears.”
Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.
The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh
out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and
he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together. Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same
question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in
the world did you know that?”
The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvious really. You can’t wear glasses if you
haven’t got any fucking ears!”
A man calls his wife from Accident and Emergency. He tells her that he
lost his finger in a building site accident. “Oh my God!” cries the wife, “The
“No,” replies her husband. “The one next to it.”
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.
Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just
as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his desperation succeeded
in only pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife to help him dislodge it but after hours
of trying they decided to go to the hospital.
As they were heading out of the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s’ young male companion
suggested he might be able to get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down and
relax, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to
blow hard. The father blew as he was told, and to everyone’s huge relief the peanut
flew out of his ear. The mother and father thanked him profusely for helping them
out. “It was nothing,” the young man insisted modestly. Once he was gone, the
mother turned to the father and said, “That’s wonderful! Isn’t he a smart young
man? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?”
The father replied, “Judging from the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”
A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy. While the barman is
pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins
grow this big?”
“I should think so,” the barman replies.
The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”
“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”
The man holds his hand at shoulder level: “This big?”
“Not a cat in hell’s chance.”
The man knocks back his drink in one. “Bollocks. I just ran over a nun.” ACNE
When did the teenager realize he had bad acne?
When his dog called him Spot.
How do you know if you have bad acne?
a. When the blind can read your face.
b. When your pores have stretch marks. ADAM AND EVE
Adam is talking to God and asks him: “God, why did you make women so
God replies: “So that you would find them attractive.”
Then Adam asks: “Okay. God, but why did you have to make them so stupid?”
God replies: “So that they would find you attractive.”
God found Adam in the Garden of Eden.
“Where’s Eve?” asked God.
“She started bleeding, God, so she went down by the stream to wash,” replied
“Oh no!” said God, “We have to stop her!”
“Why?” said Adam.
“Because I’ll never get the smell out of the fish!”
Adam and Eve were walking through the Garden of Eden one day when God
spoke to them. “All right, kids,” said God, “I have a couple of items left here in my
goody bag. Who wants the ability to urinate standing up?”
Eve immediately replied, “Please, God, Me! Me! Me!”
So God in his infinite wisdom granted her the ability to pee while standing. But Eve saw that Adam’s face was a picture of utter despair because he too badly
wanted the ability to pee while standing. So Eve was generous and said to God,
“He may have it if he wants it so much.”
So, God gave the ability to Adam instead, and he was so happy that he
immediately ran behind a bush and urinated standing up.
When he came back, Eve looked at God and said, “Well, do you have anything
left for me?” God looked back in the bag. Looking back at Eve he said, “Sorry love,
all I have left is multiple orgasms.” Why did God create Eve?
To iron Adam’s leaf.
God says to Adam, “I have some good news and some bad news, what do you
want to hear first?”
Adam says, “Tell me the good news first.”
God says, “I’m going to give you a penis and a brain. From these two gifts you
will derive great pleasure and great intellect.”
“Wow, God,” Adam replies, “that’s great. But what’s the bad news?”
God says, “I’m only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a
Why did God create Adam first?
Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
One day God decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St Peter
and told him of his decision. He explained to St Peter that he was going to make a
human being who was similar to man, yet was different and could offer him comfort,
companionship and pleasure. God said he would call this new creation “woman”.
So God went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in
ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When he
had finished creating this being that would now be called woman he summoned St
“Oh Lord, once again you have done a cracking job,” said St Peter when he saw
“Thank you, you are very kind,” replied God, looking pleased with himself. “I am
now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter, St Peter. I am thinking of making
her brain slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate and
more adaptable than man’s.”
“Good idea again, Lord,” said St Peter.
“What about nerve endings? How many should I put in her hands?”
“How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.
“Two hundred,” replied God.
“Then do the same for this woman,” said St Peter.
“And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?”
“How many did we put in Adam?”
“Seventy-five,” replied God. “These beings are constantly on their feet so they
benefit from having fewer nerve endings there, so I think I will do the same for
“Nice one,” said St Peter.
“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals?”
How many did you put in Adam?” asked St Peter.
“Four hundred and twenty,” replied God. “Of course, I wanted Adam to have a
means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn’t I? Do you think I should do the
same for woman?”
“Again, good idea, Oh Lord,” said St Peter.
“No, wait.” said God. “Fuck it. Let’s give her ten thousand. I want her to scream
out my name.” How do you know Adam and Eve weren’t black?
Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man? ADVERTISEMENTS
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper: “Looking for man with three
qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me and is great in bed.”
Two days later her doorbell rings.
“Hi,” her visitor announces. “I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and
no legs so I won’t run away.”
“What makes you think you are great in bed?”
“I rang the door bell, didn’t I?” A man is browsing the small ads in his local paper looking for a pet when he
comes across an advert: “Intelligent, adorable golden Labrador – free to a good
home.” He calls the number and arranges t...
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