Untitled document - Ashleigh I have been thinking of this for quite a while I realized this Right now nothing seems possible for me Every time I try to

Untitled document - Ashleigh I have been thinking of this...

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Ashleigh, I have been thinking of this for quite a while .... I realized this .... Right now, nothing seems possible for me... Every time, I try to gain something good for the benefit of others as well as myself... I always fail. Whenever i try to make things up and hopefully be loved again by a certain person, I just miserably fail... (And don't give me that oh i'm just trying to get attention or get people to symphasize and pity and all that bullshit... I don't want to hear it!) All I'm doing is I'm trying to say something out of truth in hopes that someone may read and know what happened here... but I don't care if that never happens... It's not like i expected anyone to give a flip about a 18 year old hopeless and unloved wretch like myself. I've tried to fight off this so called "depression" and failed miserably .... On top of that, my best friend doesn't want to even be friends with me and she and i had great things together. Then it turned upside down, she called me all kinds of stuff, said my voice was annoying, that i was boring, and that i never cared and only wanted to talk talk on .... all kinds of stuff... that really tore down my self-esteem... Then I've been in a bad relationship that was on and off and peaceful then a civil war the next .... it continued on that pattern for God knows how long... I eventually started being convinced that I always meant to be the one at the fucking bottom... always the bad guy. I was treated like a goddamn scapegoat when I had done no wrong. I was always the social pariah to her and maybe quite some of her friends too. Always misunderstood. Can't you see that I tried to make peace!? I only got "bullets" for my white flag that i was waving... I have been fighting depression and been into alcohol for quite a while now... After a heated and saddened talk of me trying to explain myself and trying to apologize and find a way to make it up to her, she seemed so cold that i felt despair so I told her I would kill myself then cause there was no chance at all i would ever be loved or trusted ever again or accepted back cause i was the "bad guy", the loser. Eventually though, she just switched to saying things were gonna be okay and there would always be chances... What a way to deceive me
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