EO4 Chapter 7 Notes:
Why Children Don’t Listen
Adults frequently complain that children don’t listen to them, and they often
have no idea why. Few adults ever consider that it might be their own fault.
How you talk to children and other people also makes a big difference in
whether they care what you have to say.
Criticizing and Lecturing
It isn’t too surprising that people don’t listen to what is unpleasant to hear. It
seems like a natural self-protective device to tune out what is unpleasant. Yet
many teachers and parents express dismay when children don’t listen to
their persistent nagging.
Giving Orders
It is fairly easy to recognize the unpleasantness of hearing about your errors.
However, you may not have thought about why kids (and adults) also dislike
constantly being told what to do and how to do it. These instructions
communicate disrespect for the other person’s ideas and abilities.
Inauthentic Communication
Speaking to children with respect, as you would expect to do with adults, can
be a helpful guide. But many people don’t know the best ways to express
themselves to people of any age.
Talking to Children Respectfully
It is important to communicate your personal needs and limits. Doing so
effectively means you state your feelings without labeling the child as bad
and without ordering the child to change.
“I messages” are appropriate when the problem is yours: what is happening
is upsetting to you personally. Children need to learn to give “I messages”
when someone does something that bothers them.
Sometimes adults seem to get confused and assume that all problems are
the adults’ problem; that view gets in the way of teaching children to express
their own feelings with “I messages.”
In contrast with “you messages,” “I messages” do not blame or condemn
another person, and they do not contain putdowns. “I messages” also don’t
tell someone else what to do, thus avoiding a “solution message.” They
focus on your needs instead of on the other person’s actions
A complete “I message” has three components, according to A description
of the unacceptable behavior
1.
Your feeling
2.
The concrete effect of the behavior on you
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- Summer '16
- The Child, A. R. Gurney
