Unformatted text preview: The ends of most of your paragraphs and the beginnings of the ones after could all use more connecting words. Each paragraph seems to simply jump from one idea to the next and it distorts the flow of the essay. Another minor thing is going back and checking for active sentences. There are some, but others are passive. You should also keep your paper in the present tense instead of in the past. On your last two paragraphs, I also noticed the usage of “you” which should definitely be rewritten. Those last two paragraphs also seemed slightly awkward. I think it would work best if you could integrate those two paragraphs into one. It seemed like there were two concluding paragraphs....
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- Spring '09
- Biology, English-language films, Carlos Caceres, Draft Review Overall