peer edit paty i think - The ends of most of your...

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Carlos Caceres First Draft Review Overall, the paper was pretty good. one of the main problems I had with it was that sometimes the connections you make are pretty hard to follow. There are some sections that seem to have nothing to do with the thesis. Although your thesis was interesting, I think you still need to add the “so what?” part they talk about. You should take it further and develop it more. As for paragraphs, the bulk was pretty good, but some parts need some help. With quote integration, it would be nice if you didn’t using “saying” or “states” or any variation thereof and integrated the quote into the paragraph better. There are also some parts that really need evidence. You state a good idea, but it needs to be backed up by proof.
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Unformatted text preview: The ends of most of your paragraphs and the beginnings of the ones after could all use more connecting words. Each paragraph seems to simply jump from one idea to the next and it distorts the flow of the essay. Another minor thing is going back and checking for active sentences. There are some, but others are passive. You should also keep your paper in the present tense instead of in the past. On your last two paragraphs, I also noticed the usage of you which should definitely be rewritten. Those last two paragraphs also seemed slightly awkward. I think it would work best if you could integrate those two paragraphs into one. It seemed like there were two concluding paragraphs....
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