roeder_exquisite_pain_eng_1000

roeder_exquisite_pain_eng_1000 - Many thanks [0 the Friends...

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Unformatted text preview: Many thanks [0 the Friends and the strangers who have confidcd m rm: the SRer 0F leir suffCrings, m JeamFrangoés Lcwn OFAF? in Ncw Delhi, to [fie French Min‘sm‘y of Foreign Affairs, [0 rims: in Tokyo Efzroug}: whom I was abis w finish eff this story: "lbxhin Ham, Yoko Uchida,thc Ham Musmm. Arsuko Koyflnagi, Miha Yajima afié the Koyamgi an gallery, to jean—Baptiste Mondino, as 115113;, and, Wk}: 1116 passing offimc. to 3%., wirhou: whom this; praise: wouid not haw: cxisrcd $23 the first place. SON-11E CALLE Exquisite pain WNW, I. k Frace 061‘ Pelis’ on January 28, 1985. or had worn out From that moment, my own story through Whenever people asked sheer repetition. me about the trip, The method proved I chose to skip radically effective. the Far East bit and tell In three months them about my I had cured myself. suffering instead. Yet, While the exorcism ' In return I started _ had worked, asking both friends I still feared a possible and chance encounters: relapse, and so —— ccW/hen did you I decided not to exploit '- suffer most ?” this experiment I decided to continue artistically. By the time I returned to it, fifteen years had passed. such exchanges until I had got over my pain by comparing it with days ago, the man I have Eefr me. . He: a. Eriead of my father’s. i’d elways had a {hing for him. On our first raighr, I sligpeé into had in a weédiirg (ire-5.5. Before that (an, i had ayplicd for a three—month stud}: grant for Japan. [mim— timarely, the. answer was posizive. M. dicin‘t approve of such a mag“ absence. He threatened to forget me. Maybe I xsranzeri to how; it he ioveé eriozigh to be patient. finywaga I wear. For his yeti. he was going to try and wait. He suggested rhea: L5? in Iridia afmr my trip. I icfi Paris on October 25,. “38%. A Hightn‘ijil‘si. Ehated the whoée c. ing. A13 I couié think about our reunioza, set for january '24.. Or: the Bard, three hours hefore his plane took off, he phoned E0 confirm his arrivai tinie: he would be ianémg before me and w‘mfié wait in Deihi for the giant: from Toijyo. I had won. But at the airgort they handed me this message: '1‘ . emft ioin you in fleihi due accident in Paris anri stair m 1105531:st Please contact Bob.” We had just spoken, so I imagined an ace}- dent on the way to Oriy airport. Since. Bob, my fasher, 15 a doctor, I pictured M. seriousiy wounded, maybe even fie-ad. i took the room he’d. reserved at {he Imperiai Hotel. Impmghle to get a con» motion. 1: took me ten hours so get through to my father, who couién‘t head or mi of tilt: telegram. Yes, M. had been is: the hospitai but only for ten minutes, to have an mfecred finger ' ' ’ - ‘~- :2 the treated. fhar was aEi. 1 tailed him at home. He paeked p u “E wanteci to come anti explain a few Eh rig.» to, ’" “Yes.” I. spent the res: phonic and he said: I- you.” I replieé: “Have. you met someone! of the nigh: starirag at the phone. Id irnhapgy before. never been this His name was; jean. ] was twenty—seven, he was forty—seven. \‘Cf'e were iivéng rogeé'hcr. I: was reai passion, pure passion. Th3: morn— ng, when I woke u? and went {0 the bathroom, [here was a letter 11 the hasisi, A few gonzglieated worés. E (ioo’t rcmemher what, meriy, but they meanr we had {0 break up. I haé no idea {his mild happen. I put rhe hatter in my pocket. E wen: downstairs. fleri, ieft everything. I romily hiaoked our. E was in azislysis. crossed the Luxembourg Garéeris to go {o my session. I asked my miysr {0 Send me a book so that I couid leave with somethng in ' hands to fill {hat void. He rook from his bookcase an old voi~ me bouné in red Morocco 1 fizzhm. with engravings. Like a sleep— Iaflccr, I withdrew from the worid for months. I suffered nigh: d éay. E dicio’t cry, but tears were coma-mil}; streaming From my And (he washhasin obsessed me. The brumiiry of the whim 'rter on the washbasin. Perhaps that is why For the last twelve is i have had an apartment with no bathroom, no basin. 205 days ago, the man I lave ktfi me. E. u. a. to dream 35:51.2: him i ' iittlffi girl. He: was KG handsome. A: _ thin}! I managed t0 seduce him. . (Sing L ’6 had keen. together geariy a ygar when they gave me that damnmi thremnsmh grant {or hpan. He warfieé mi: {in}: he’d fergec me ill left him. But still E'wergr, {m (Dumber 253 1984. Out of pride '9: bravado? it} ite 6f his thraar, has suggested we. In; '1: up in hidia at: :he and of journey. fibau: zine trip itself there is nothing CC} 5232, except that I cormted the days aha: kg}: me frqm this mag. Gr; janaary “£1 he. called me a few hours bfifors: :- ting of} m confirm the details: he. was flying in From Par}. an hour before. me and Wmfid wait a: New Delhi airport for the: Eight fr; Hm Tokyo. Afrer all thaé waiting. here it was: hapyiness! As I was heading rim}! hancied me a massage: “M. can’: gain jmu in flair; daft nctiéen: in Paris arid stay in. hespital. Carat-act Bob.” 1‘». List . have been a crash on the way to {his airport. it was my fauis. E Enid to call in fathar, Who is a docmr. To hear that he was dead? in New Ditlhi ir was imppssifile‘ to get a connection; It took me [an hams to get through to Bob, wlw didn’t know Whatl was £3”:ng aimut. has. M.had been ii} rhc hasp‘imlbst enly Ewan infecmci finger. So I calleci him at home. As stn as he pickcé LE? {he phone, I knew it was over: “i wasted t0 cams and explain thin ' to you.” “Have you met another woman?” “Yes,” He hopsd §£ rm serious. i hung up. {sat an my bad {at hours, staring at the phaer arid tile maidy anger. of room 261 in time Eirgnerial Hotel. . I: was an image ofhapginess that caused me {he greatest sufikriiio : ‘ ’ v ‘ at _ l: happcneé in 1964. It was sprangzzme. On Bmzlward Mammy 9335:). One sunny Sumiay morning. I had bougiu an American onvertible, light blue with blue lsaihcz’ ughoisrem In the Car wen: {he weman I lover} and our 3011, who was wearing 22 leman yciiow aincoar. And as l was (living, I realized how rare snail moments Fiiappiness are. \‘l/kil, i iosr that happiness ané this image calm jack m me like a knifi; As sharp as thc death of happiness. The atemcdiabie impoxsibiiity of happiness. Every night I imd {he amt: dream. I: was in the stream in a public glam. The weman Ilavcd said nothing but it was clear: “I don’t love you arwmartli’ fills-plain as God the: Fariisr sgycaicing on a paneramic screeia. i had his aightmam awry night For seven years. Exactly as many nhaPpy nights as I had iivéd iiappy days. Like the negative ofmy appmcss. During {ha day, I wouid {blink {if {fut blue car and {lam ' iiow raincoar and at night, [here it was again”, 20? - days age, {he mm 1 Ecrvc laft me. _ He was a friend efmy father’s. E had a crush an him (men as a little girl, but i was thle when I seéaccé him. Bram time is time he wcaid remind that he wasn’t really in love but i blithely ignored the waging: he was living wiih me, afiar all. Then i was éffereri a study grant for jagan. He threatmed to break of? the rslationship durirzg my threwmcmth a ‘ race: it: was too king. I deciciccl. [.0 gr; anyway, fearing that mhemrzse I’d always blame him For the mibSfi-‘d opportunity. To comfnrt me. in spite. of his ultimatum, he sug- gcsted we. meat up in New Delhi, at the end of my gammy. I left Paris or: Ocmber ‘25: 198%. I hated that trip. Ther: 1 got a lama: from him. It said. simgiy: "Bariircf Eittls Wife.” Hr: was waiting. And so all E iivecl for was .54, the date of our rcunion. That clay, :hree hours befm‘e his plane teak eff} he confirmeci that he 'was coming. But at the'airpor: there was a miegram for me: in: had had an accident, he was in hospiml. I spent part of the night {a contact him, imagining the worst. Tit-was two in zhe morniag when he picked up the phone. Yes, he. haul been in ho. ' 'al. to have aa infecteci Finger traared, hi: said. i. knew. 1% few words blurted out ihe phone told me that he haé just met anmhcr woman, that he hoped it was sarieus. Refuge hanging up, I said, "‘i’em me.” I spear {he :65: of the. night ifi room 26'}. at the linge- rial. Hotel swing a: the amid}; carpct, the red t'elfcphone. India bad [man his idea. He had made the reservations, chosen this place which woulé be the setting far my staff .ing. ' it was at home, in Bandy, an May 19, 1980. A Sunday. I was sun 3 As .1 Jr) r 4 ' v. . ' mum. '96: wch inning a immly lunch w my parents, my Um) I brothers and l. A: one: (felock, my older brerhcr stocd up 1nd said: “There’s somcahing I have to :30.” Bsfarc he ltl’l: he kissed mv £21:th Later, they called my mmhcr on the phone. \Xf’hen Sill: hang up, she used simplewsoundifig wards: “Somerhim; hapgmzcd, Didiar, sorrzcthing very serimas. l’il be back soon. {3235: rum-'6.” She was crying. The worst. p11”: was between three and five p.111; two hours wait- gg Fm her, rwn heurs on my bid thinking of paraivsis, efdmrh, aching :hrough {he curzaim at the sky. Then, vat five p.511” learned {hat he had inmycd oil-the trail: From Bondy to Paris. his; as twcrzzy—Ehrce. l s‘cmcmber it was a warm, hcaurihil day. That I: was my father‘s birthday. That we’d all had lunch together. That ye hzié cvcrythizig we mauled far a happy ami peaceful Sunciay. 209 .iys ago._rhe-man I love left me. _ 7 He was a friend of my father’s. Alrczifiy. as a littie giti, I was Crazy about him. He so handsome. I waited until I thirty so setluce him. For our first night of love, I wore a wedding titers. What: I accepted a gram for threo months in Japan, he warnecf me that such a long absmce would he. sod mach for him. But you newt know so he arranged to meet me it: New Delhi, at the and of our ioumey. january 21;, 198:3, was-to the date of (mt réooioo. A scene} dreamt and imagined so often. But at the": air« port, three hours after soaking {0 him, 1 got a me go: M. had had an accident. He was in hospital. Part of the night went by try~ ing to contact him, imagining the worst. It. was two in the mom- log when he picked up the phone. Yes, he had been to the. hosgital To have. an infected fihgor treated. Then hetolcl. maths; ' he wanted to take me in his arms and tell me a few things {uni I knew he’é mot another woman. Ten hours of anguish and fear, imagining a crash on. the way-to the airport, only to hmi out he . was leaving me. I hung up. Stuancé. I spont‘the rest ofthe mght staring at the red teiephone in room 26E or the imperiainE-Iozrl. I couldn’t stay oz'i my owo. I had to find . meme to look after me. Anyone. In the morning, I hunrad through the. New D; ohooo book for someone to speak to. The only obvious choice was the France-Presse agency. I called the director in tears. He agreed to meet me at once. Etold him all ahout my love al arr. For hours. i I shake and he Iisteneé. It wax in an QIPEHFITECIH building in Lyon. On the Fourth floor. Wth :1 very Earge Stone landiog. On the z'oughcast wall you could ‘téii read the ltzll’ficrascd words in blue chalk: <‘Kill tho Jews!” Thch Was a he- 1y door with a brass hell. It was eleven, clown—thirty" at night, on Septcmhct 14, 2959. A weekday. I was twelve yours old. Two months earlier, in this. Peugcor 403, my mother hm? informed my brother and I that my fatth was going to have a simplo oper ation. had stopperi for gas at a station with white concrete Eat ticcd walls and nothing growing on them -~ no roses, wire. In this atmosphere ofl‘akc gaicty, l was Certain that my father was going to dio. So [llt‘fl ho l33il rlK’ operation. Everything won: {me and i icl‘t or: vacation. That Septemhttt $4, I came: back home. Some fricting dropper; me off in from ofthc door. I rang the bcli and was scizcti by a horrible anguish. Not at the idea that my {other was dam}, but [llzii he: wouloi come to open the riom, that 'I would him alive when I knew that he was doomed. And he 'diti some to oyeo thf: door. He led DIE: into his study, a {ormal Place where I never want. This Confirmed my certain I}? that he was already dcaé. It was as if‘hfi were taking me to his tomb. i don’t think that I could feel greatct pain. than I felt that night. i sugared one, and at the wrong moment. It felt like: a stark revelation: the htutal‘zty of the death ofsomcooe who was at {half very Iilszizut lining to me and leading a normal iifc. This rcmains the greatest f ilurc of my fife, not being ath to tcii my {stile-t that he was dead ore and then, when i' knew it. VIWO months Eater, hc 933st away. 21}. . days ago, the 32.3er Ecwe left Airmdy, as a yuang git? ~31: was a friemi o? my father’s ~ he trou— biad um. i waiteci unzii I was {flirty to seéuce him. Yes, from time to time he said he: wasn’t in io've wiah me, but am: day he wept {12:31:53, in. spite of his caresses, I had fallen asicep. Arid anathes time, quiie spamanmusiy, he mid me “You wiil In: my wife. V-Vhen I left him. :0 gal ami spemi than: nmmias in $3.931: he warned me rim: he vmgidn’t stag-iii for this dasenian. Was that priée Gr lave? I didni’: want {a knew. I went and. I timught he as waitéizg for me. He mien suggesteii a rem-lemmas. in New Delhi at the and it? my iffiifflfiy January 24; E983 was to in: the date 6? cm: reunion. I main-lagged is, cmemmicipated the scam. A: the air» per: what waiting for me was a message: “M. calf: jain you in Deihi daze: maiden: in Paris and stay Is} hospital Contact. Bob." It was two in the. {naming when I managed to get through to Iiim. The acciéent was an infecteé finger. I realized £123: he’ti made gem! his threat, at the last minute. The day befiare, he was still canfirm— Eng his arrival. Quite a may}: aid HR? Ire. Mm .. in the realm of Fame, though, 1f you tizini: of (he. icind (if “injury” he was sufferixkg fiem ancE that he. disciaetiy caiieé an “- cidem”. anti of the choice ofmv father, ail oncelogisz, in the supgorting mic. As for the plop. it was very ordina 3*. I Eiung up. Pamlyzeé. The night went by Haring a: the mi telephone {if mom. 261. A: the Impfiriai Hind. I was lwcnty—lwo. It was November E2, 1979, at six p m Iwatchcd my mother dying, in a pain- gICCi‘I siiic uightic. Isaw her East breath. That day. after five momhs in intcnéiw cars, their mmmd her imi‘) a propcr roam. In 21 kind {>{Chiidish refusal it!) admit that my moziicr could have cancer, and full of icy that she was regaining some {reedom 05 movement, I smrtcd riuining Ii ’6 mad Because I was mini that instead churning right, 2 had [(3 {ark 16h. My two brozhers and I ran towards Iifc, which was simva in tin: kt: corridsr. Not my father. i should have um‘iersmadiIIrr vasn r running because Iii: knew that this was {III gflayaainu. The gain zhaz sings at me today com-cs {mm that joy. me net gnaw-V g [hat turniag left woukizfr be. enough {(3 bring my mocha back .to life. Now, For me, green is tile coior ofdcaih. 213 ...
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roeder_exquisite_pain_eng_1000 - Many thanks [0 the Friends...

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