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Peer Editing-2 - than simply the death…” but instead of...

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Dear Maggie Young, For starters, I enjoyed your thesis and introductory paragraph. The first sentence immediately catches the audience’s attention. Nice. You continue by repeating Man’s numerous accomplishments; maybe you could eliminate some of this (a few less-pertinent sentences) and instead introduce Merchant and the role her essay plays in your argument. Your ending sentence (the thesis statement, I believe) of the first paragraph is very strong; again, consider incorporating Merchant somewhere here to make it stronger. The body paragraphs are clear for the most part and elaborate on your theses, which is good. A few, small grammatical errors could be cleaned up; the first sentence on pg 2 could be rearranged, as its a little confusing (“Looking at the skeletal..). The last sentence of this paragraph could also be elaborated on. An eternal souvenir of what? Also, try to not begin sentences with but. At the end of paragraph 3 (pg 2), you say “But more can be interpreted from Robleto’s display
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Unformatted text preview: than simply the death…” but instead of developing this thought, you abruptly switch topics to Genesis and Merchant’s article. I would elaborate on this idea before switching to Genesis/Merchant, which would significantly smoothen the transition and flow. On pg’s 3 and 4, you use great textual evidence. The only recommendation I would have is presenting some of the text in your own words or as a mixture (say the text in your own words and insert a few actually quoted words for emphasis). The text you chose fits very well with your argument, though. Your conclusion (pg 5) is also very, very strong, perhaps the strongest part of the paper. You pull everything together well. Overall, I would suggest just making the paragraph transitions a little smoother, which will make the whole paper more cohesive and effective. Very nice job, though! Ciao, Catherine Macan...
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