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bible parody - The Bible for Beginners[The sun shines...

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The Bible, for Beginners [ The sun shines brightly on a large, spacious garden littered with elegant, white flowers that give off the aroma of roses. The sky is blue, the plants wave gently in the zephyrs, and an elderly man and a beautiful, young, androgynous thing by his right side skip through the field. ] GOD: Oh, Lucifer, what a wonderful day in Heaven it is! The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and all is good! LUCIFER: Indeed, my lord. [ They stop to pick flowers briefly before continuing to skip. ] GOD: But I'm afraid I need to tell you something. LUCIFER: What is it, my lord? GOD: It's not working out between us. We're from completely different worlds, Lucifer. I really had a great time with you, and I'll never forget you, but I think it's time we moved on and saw other people. LUCIFER: [ turns his head towards God ] What?! [ falls through random hole in the ground ] I'll sue you! I'll sue you for everything you're worth! [ God, meanwhile, stops and stares down the hole as a guilty look crosses his face. He flinches for a moment, then looks around to see if anyone else saw while Lucifer continues to throw obscenities at him. After awhile, he finally walks away with Lucifer still screaming random threats. ] NARRATOR: In the beginning... [ The scene changes to complete darkness. ] NARRATOR: God created light. He said, "Let there be light," and there was light. GOD: Let there be light! [ turns on a light bulb ] NARRATOR: And it was good. On the second day, God created the heavens and the earth... [ God hums while he tapes a piece of paper to pretty much thin air underneath the light bulb and draws a line in marker across it. ] NARRATOR: And it was good. On the third day...
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GOD: [ clenches his marker-wielding hand into a fist ] Oh, get on with it! [ continues humming as he draws trees, animals, clouds, water, et cetera on the paper ] Ah! Vwoop! [ hand falls away from the paper ]. NARRATOR: And it was good. [ The paper blows away, and the light from the light bulb brightens until a garden is revealed in the darkness. All sorts of exotic and beautiful plants line a clearing, including two large apple trees in the distance. ] NARRATOR: And thus, the story of Adam and Eve begins. God formed from the earth an image in his likeness, and in its nostrils, He did breathe the breath of life. [ Hands come down to scoop up a large chunk of dirt and clay from the earth and form it into a large, Godzilla-like creature. God then inhales deeply and audibly before exhaling onto the statue. Most of the dirt blows away until nothing is left except the form of a man. God groans in disappointment but sets the man down. ] NARRATOR: And this, God called "man" -- Adam. Man doth lived in the Garden of Eden until he said unto the Lord, "Lord, please grant me one request." ADAM: [ looks skyward ] Lord, please grant me one request. GOD: [ unseen ] What is it, my son?
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