Everybody by Branden Jacobs-Jenkins.pdf - 1. I. HERE...

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I.HERE BEGINNETH A TREATISE ON HOW SOMEONE OR SOMETHING - GOD? -SENDETH DEATH TO SUMMON EVERY CREATURE TO COME AND ACCOUNTFOR THEIR LIVES IN THE WORLD, PRESENTED IN THE MANNER OF AMORALITY PLAY(The USHER, on headset, enters the house anddoesn’t immediately worry about being heard.)USHERIf you can hear me, clap once.(claps,)If you can hear me, clap twice.(claps,)If you can hear me, clap three times.(claps, repeats ritual as needed,)Hi. Thanks. Thank you all for coming. If we can all just focus for a second, I want to goover some things before the show starts. First, please turn off your cellphones. I’ll waituntil it is clear to me that all cellphones are off...(beat,)And don’t be embarrassed if you forgot. It happens and this is time we’ve built into theplay for this exact purpose - so you’re not inconveniencing anyone or affecting the runtime. I just don’t want you to be one of those people whose phone accidentally goes off inthe middle of the show and then everyone kind of whips around and turns on you andyou’re suddenly feeling pulled out of the group experience and that’s not great. And we allknow that there’s almost One in Every Show. Especially here, so...Don’t be that one.(beat,)Also, interesting fact: if your phone is on “Do Not Disturb” or “moon mode,” it is actuallynot off. In fact, it’s not even on “silent.” Because if someone were to call you twice withinthree minutes, you phone would think that there was some sort of emergency and “Do NotDisturb” would actually deactivate, and then your phone would actually do somedisturbing, so... This is just one of the things that makes our “smart phones” so smart. Thisis also why a lot of phones still go off in the theatre almost half a century after they werefirst invented and started committing violence againstplays. Just an interesting fact.(beat,)Thanks. Now, take a minute to check in with yourself. Is your throat dry? Itchy? Are youbattling some sort of chest cold? Do you feel a cough coming on? Does your tongue taste alittle weird? Or perhaps you skipped dessert and are just craving something sweet?(MORE)1.Everybody Rev. 021017 12PM
If you answered yes to any of these questions and are now even remotely entertaining thenotion of a hard candy/cough drop, now your the time to make a choice and really deal withthat. I’ll wait until it’s clear to me that all the candies and cough drops are unwrappedand/or consumed...(beat,)Okay. Now: are you feeling fidgety? And is there some sort of noisy paper or plasticwrapper situation in your hand? Some sort of purseor coatfilled witha lot of loosecoins.Put it down. We’ve got our own sound design, but we thank you. I’ll wait a moment just tomake sure that is all happening...(beat,)And my apologies to anyone I may have just offended with some sort of medicalcondition....

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Term
Fall
Professor
NoProfessor
Tags
2007 singles, Usher

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