3.07 revising the narrative.docx - ASSESSMENT 3.07 Revising...

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ASSESSMENT 3.07: Revising Narrative Essay PART 4 Directions: Choose one passage (200-250 words) of your narrative essay to rewrite, adding descriptive language and sensory details wherever possible. Highlight your revisions. Submissions without highlighting will be returned for revisions Original passage- I charge at the walls of catacomb, like a bull that has seen all red. I push and punch at the walls until I feel a slight amount of movement. I have been in these catacombs for thirteen days. I am starving, thirsty, and my voice has been officially taken away. I need to get out of here and find a way to kill Montresor, maybe drowning him will do the trick, or trapping him in these same catacombs will make him go absolutely crazy. I back up to the end of the catacomb once more and charge at the wall, this time completely knocking it over. I lay on my back, the walls of the catacombs are on top of me, crushing my chest into my body. I look around about to scream out for help when all of a sudden, I see a shadow coming towards me. Revised passage- After spending thirteen pain-inducing days in the catacombs, I could eat an entire cow and drink the entire river behind my home. I feel like I am slowly disintegrating, like my stomach is slowly eating away at itself begging for food. I need to figure a way out of this god- awful catacomb, so I can finally kill Montresor myself, but, how can I? My body is so weak, anyone could pick me up and snap me like a trig . I slowly stand to my feet, my knees shaking in the process. I stare blankly at the dark catacomb walls. I know what I must do , I charge at the walls of the catacomb, like a bull that has been all red. Seeing the walls shake slightly, I realize that Montresor truly is the dumbest person alive, he cannot even build sturdy enough walls. I decide to hit the walls again, but this time harder. I back up and get into a running position, then with everything left in me I charge at the wall one last time. I break through the wall but when I turn around, I see a whole tsunami of rubble and rocks falling on top of me and then everything goes black, like I was suddenly blinded. I slowly open my eyes, trying to gather my thoughts when I noticed the tsunami of rocks is now laying right on top of me . I lay on back, feeling the walls of the catacomb crush my chest. I can barely breath, it feels like someone just punched me straight in the stomach, but ten times harder. I look to my left then to my right, hoping to see someone when suddenly, a shadow. The shadow looks about six feet tall and I can see long hair flowing behind it.

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