Lara - Lara I sit in class knowing Ill do it I don't care...

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Lara 1 of 6 I sit in class knowing I’ll do it. I don't care about the miracles of cellular biology. I don't care about Mrs. Helms's chalk marks on the board. I care about frozen yogurt. I think how cool it is. Cold. The sweet and the sour. Vanilla raspberry swirl with brownies - rich, dark, evil brownies. The urge is growing. It starts in the pit of my stomach and spreads like a fungus until I can feel it in every limb of my body, every inch of my soul. I look down at my notes and realize there are none. The clock ticks on: five more minutes until freedom. I get A's in all my other classes, but this final period kills me. I can't stay focused at the end of the day. Do I want sweet or salty? Or both? I crave the bland and greasy taste of french fries, steaming hot and rough with salt, though definitely the yogurt first. "How do you feel?" That familiar voice echoes in my skull. Oh, Dee! I love you so much. Don't waste your time on me; I'll never get better. Every Wednesday after school I sit in your office, in your big, comfortable chair. I listen to you, I talk, I try so hard to feel. I even hear your voice, over and over, in my-head. "How do you feel?" I feel ugly. "How do you feel?" I feel fat. "How do you feel?" I feel angry because I don't want to feel ugly and fat, and angrier because I don't want you, Dee, to see my ugliness and fatness. I wish you were my mother and not just my therapist. I would give up everything to be lost in your hug forever. I feel the heat of tears behind my eyelids. Mrs. Helms is drawing a circle on the board. No, Lara, don't cry. Not here, not in biology. "How do you feel?" I don't feel; I don't feel; I don't feel; I HATE THIS! "You feel hateful?" I feel inadequate, abnormal, outside normal life. I lived normal life Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. Cross-country meet after school Friday. Made excellent time, two seconds ahead of my record. Had breakfast Saturday morning with Dad: orange juice, two poached eggs, dry toast. He brought the paper with him, said he was proud of my time at the all-Cal meet. Went to the football game Saturday with Darren and Dana, and Jason's party Saturday night. Beer and a short of vodka behind the house with Darren. Darren's hands all over me. Sunday morning, Nordstrom's with Jenny, charging new black shoes, my reward to myself for going 57 hours without vomiting. Getting through Friday definitely made Saturday and Sunday easier, but I had to stay with people all the time. Normal life, real life, life on Planet Earth is a completely different reality. "How did it feel?" Dee will ask me on Wednesday. It didn't feel natural or comfortable. It felt desperate - Iike gripping white knuckles, like holding my breath. I felt like an outsider looking in. An alien visitor on a time-Iimited trek. Today proved that - up bright and early and back on Planet Bulimia, in my own private orbit.
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