edditing someoens essay - Author: Ashley Hanson Peer...

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Author: Ashley Hanson Peer Reviewer: Jacob Zipperstein Introduction Segment: The first paragraph that you offer has some good insights to how the essay will play out, however, I feel that listing the social disparities as they will appear in you essay is a little too cliché. Try and find a way so that you can incorporate that list into your opening paragraph, but also, you definitely don’t need to explain what you will be talking about in the introduction. You don’t want the reader to read the first sentence and be like “ I don’t need to finish this essay, because she already told me in her first paragraph everything that is going to appear in the essay.” I am a little unclear as to what your thesis is. You claim that Cliff addresses the social disparities of X, Y, and Z, but there is no argument to that. You say that “cliff expresses the crude relationship that Colorism shares with other social structures,” but I don’t believe that this is arguable either. You are just stating what we already know from reading the text. Maybe you are trying to say that Colorism defines what the white man desires? Either way, your thesis is unclear and difficult to isolate. I am not sure what you are trying to accomplish with this first paragraph. As a reader, I am confused and do not want to read on because I feel that you as a writer are not sure what you are trying to accomplish. That being said, your ideas regarding social disparities are good, and can definitely be pursued, just in a clearer, more refined way. Body The main part of your essay seems fairly unorganized. While you cleverly isolated and analyzing race, gender, sexuality, and colonialism, you are not intertwining them. As I recall, the prompt was to connect these matters and emphasize how, while connected, these disparities complicate matters even more for Cliff. Again, after reading the main body, I feel as if you are still uncertain to where you are taking this essay. Why did you decide to put the idea that Cliff is bias towards men after you talked about gender inequalities? I realize that these two ideas are parallel, but they are not
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connected as well as they could be. You jump into the claim that black women are destined for precarious jobs, which is understandable, but how does this connect to the fact that Cliff is biased towards Men? It is possible that you have a clear reason for why you put that paragraph there, but it is not evident to the reader, in fact, it somewhat disrupts the flow of the essay. I appreciate how you integrated Fanon’s ideas into this essay. Nicely done. Your paragraphs in themselves are decently topically specific, however, this does not mean they flow with the paragraphs around them. They seem to have arbitrary transitions. Meaning, you finish out a thought but are not entirely sure where to go next. You are not throwing incoherent ideas into your individual paragraphs, which is good,
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This note was uploaded on 09/04/2010 for the course CHEM 10966 taught by Professor Vollhardt during the Spring '10 term at University of California, Berkeley.

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edditing someoens essay - Author: Ashley Hanson Peer...

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