COM 156 Appendix C[1 - Revision of Student Paper In this paper on the popularity of The Dark Knight in the box office there are a series of errors

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Revision of Student Paper In this paper on the popularity of The Dark Knight in the box office, there are a series of errors that I feel need to be corrected before submission. First, I think the thesis statement is supposed to be brief, this one is just blunt. I feel there should be a lead in to the thesis statement. Maybe tell a little story that brings you to that point and sets up the rest of the paper? Next, the supporting sentences in the opening paragraph do not support the thesis statement very well, in fact they supporting sentences do not appear to have anything to do with the thesis statement at all. The two supporting sentences carry conflicting information, and should be placed further down in the paper if used at all. The paper does not seem to have any direction either. I believe the paper would be better served by re-organizing the information presented. Maybe it would read more smoothly paragraph five came after the thesis, then three, two, and finally four. This order reads more smoothly to me so this is what I would recommend. Order and readability are important if you want to capture and hold the attention of your audience. There are numerous grammar errors throughout the paper that need to be corrected
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This note was uploaded on 10/21/2010 for the course ONLINE com156 taught by Professor Lindatroxler during the Spring '10 term at University of Phoenix.

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COM 156 Appendix C[1 - Revision of Student Paper In this paper on the popularity of The Dark Knight in the box office there are a series of errors

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