4. Emotional and Energetic Boundaries.doc - Understanding...

Understanding and Creating Personal Boundaries
(Based on the work of Dr. David Gruder, creator of the NICE™ Boundaries Method .)
What is a Boundary?
“A boundary is any limit I need to honor so I can love or work with you without
resentment and with integrity.”
A boundary is the simplest, cleanest form of anger that exists. It is being able to say “no”.
A boundary also is the simplest form of well-being that exists. It can mean “yes.”
Ignoring the “yes” or the “no” of basic boundaries will inevitably result in:
- anger
- depression
- disempowerment
- passivity
- aloneness
- aggressiveness
- self-centeredness.
You can’t ignore a boundary without paying a price.
Other people ignoring our boundaries is NOT what causes us to get angry. We get angry
when we do not compassionately honor our own boundaries (with or without the other
person’s cooperation). Boundaries can only be as clear and as strong as the extent to
which we support our own wants, limits, choices, and values. Learning to recognize and
honor your boundaries (BEFORE your anger starts escalating) is an excellent anger-
prevention tool—and an excellent way to also prevent fear, depression, or feelings of
invasion!
Why People Have Boundaries Problems
The three biggest fears that prevent people from honoring their own boundaries are that
they will:
1) Be seen as too self-centered;
2) Hurt others; or
3) Lead to either conflict or rejection.
The three biggest fears that block people from honoring other people’s boundaries are
that they will:

1) Be taken advantage of;
2) Become unimportant or invisible; or
3) Not be able to do what the other person wants of them.
But the biggest reason why people have boundaries problems is that they don’t know how
to accurately identify a boundary, nor how to honor it in ways that both reflect personal
integrity and build authentic collaboration with others.
EFT can be used effectively on both the fears of setting and honoring our own
boundaries and the fears of honoring other people’s boundaries. EFT can make it far, far
less fearful for us to set and honor boundaries.
The NICE™ Boundaries Method—Dr. David Gruder
Four key skills in setting boundaries:
N = Notice: Recognize when you have a boundary.
I = Identify: Discover the Core Intention at the heart of your position.
C = Commit: Accept the risks of honoring your Core Intention.
E = Enact: Honor your Core Intention by strengthening your energetic boundary
inwardly and use selected good communication.
Step One: Notice When You Have a Boundary
Most people don’t recognize that resentment, fear, depression, anger, postures, positions,
loss of personal power, or becoming tyrannical are all clues that they have an
unrecognized boundary. Developing the discipline of recognizing when you have a
boundary is necessary if you are to move into fuller integrity with yourself and into more
authentic collaboration with others.