CMS_Book_Notes - Chapter 7 Foundations of Intimate Dialogue...

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Chapter 7 Foundations of Intimate Dialogue Lee’s theory of love o Two main points: 1. Love can manifest itself in many different ways 2. Different people can have different orientations/styles of loving o primary styles 1. love of beauty passionate and intense attracted to physical beauty eager for quick self-disclosure and physical intimacy experience strong peaks and valleys 2. playful love love to play the game often more concerned with other things than relationships (i.e. work) playing the game is as rewarding as winning the prize likes variety and good times problems arise when partner desires a deeper commitment 3. companionate love
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patient let love grow don’t like turbulence offer stability and predictability less preoccupied with their lovers than others may be o mixing and matching (of primary styles) 4. obsessive love based on a combination of #1’s passion and #2’s desire to manipulate and hold back feelings “drama queens” – high peaks and low valleys very needy addictive love limerance – this is not love, but rather the preoccupation with the object of their love 5. Realistic love based on combination #2’s control and #3’s patience compatibility is examined and sought based on practicality feelings sometimes subordinate to logical thoughts weigh the pros and cons of the relationship computer dating match ups 6. Altruistic love constantly place the other person’s needs above your own no reciprocity required
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problematic Sternberg’s triangular theory of love (commitment, passion, intimacy) o Consummate love: commitment, passion, intimacy o Companionate love: commitment, intimacy o Fatuous love: commitment, passion o Romantic love: passion, intimacy o Empty love: commitment o Infatuation love: passion o Liking: intimacy o Nonlove: none Liking or loving? o Berhied and Walster Contrasted liking with passionate love – role of fantasy is key distinction Individuals will experience passionate love if they are emotionally agitated and attribute their state to passionate love o Rubin Liking: affection and respect Love: attachment, caring and intimacy Davis and Todd’s theory of love o 3 subcomponents of love and characteristics of each subcomponent presented 1. Friendship enjoyment – “I find what ever we do more enjoyable when Jim and I do it together”
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acceptance – “she appreciates my style” trust – “I know I can count on her. Whatever she says, she will do” respect – “he doesn’t give advice unless asked, but then it is always good” mutual assistance – “I feel like doing things that she needs to have done” confiding – “he tells me things that no one else knows about him” understanding – “I know what makes her tick” spontaneity – “I feel completely comfortable around him” 2. Passion fascination – “I have trouble concentrating; she just seems to be in my head no matter what I’m doing.”
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