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Unformatted text preview: Daniel Jordaans firstname.lastname@example.org University of Phoenix Grammar Eastern Standard Time Revise To start is all off within the writers opening paragraph he made a few mistakes that should have been changed to better his grammar. One mistake that I would change is to make his first sentence a little more strong so that it catches the readers attention right off. Within the second sentence the writer should have placed a comma before and as it made it a run on sentence without that comma. Another thing that this writer should have done within the first paragraph is to separate the last sentence to make two sentences rather then just that one run on. When transitioning into the second paragraph I notice that the writer should break up the second sentence as it was way to much run on, and could possible make three sentences out of that one to increase their sentence variety. Once you get done with the frist two paragraphs it is then time to move into the rest of what the writer is explaining about the Dark...
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- Spring '10