notes_02-1 - Designing Your Life (IAP 2007) Lauren Zander...

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Lauren Zander and Gabriella Jordan Lecture/Discussion 2: How Your History Relates to Your Issues and Excuses Goal of the day: Try to see how the following are all connected o Parents and their issues o Our issues o Our excuses o Our confessions Participants’ experiences with the homework Person 1: Doesn’t keep promises in her personal life, although she does keep them in her professional life (when other people are directly affected). She doesn’t make personal promises a priority, which means that she doesn’t do them. o Lauren’s response: This is an excuse o You make up all the elaborate reasons why you’re not doing something. Priorities are an excuse. o You have control. Don’t put the bread in your mouth. o The hardest thing is managing the voice in your head that tells you what you will or won’t be responsible for. o Say you have a theory that “it is really really difficult to stop smoking cigarettes.” If you can’t get over this, then you will never stop smoking. You need a change in theory. o This participant is looking at her life as a weather report. o Person 1 : But I want tools to make keeping promises easy. ± Lauren’s response : You are going to have to deal with your mind telling you that it’s difficult. o Watch out when you get fascinated by theories that don’t pertain to your life. About people outside of you. They are a distraction. Person 2: My wife says that it’s too much work to keep our marriage going. How can I work on myself in the relationship without working on both people in the relationship? Don’t both have a say and input? o Lauren’s response : How happy can I be with my husband if he says he wants to leave? Am I really sure that I am happy anymore, at that point? o Person 2 : Say I want to keep the relationship, but she doesn’t. How do I have control over that? o Lauren’s response : You put everything out there. Tell the truth. “I see you doing this and this and I feel this and this and I am sorry for this and this.” ± In marriage counseling, each person makes a list of why the other person feels the way they do. This requires honesty and brings on empathy. ± Caring about what someone else thinks is the best way to get them to care about what you think. ± Trust the process. If it doesn’t work, then your relationship with that person is not worthwhile. ± “Protecting a relationship” with lies keeps you in a relationship with only yourself. You are treating the person as an object, and not as someone to have a relationship with. ± You have a double agent that only lets certain thoughts through. You are leading double life: in your head, and with the person. As a result, self-confidence will plummet.
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notes_02-1 - Designing Your Life (IAP 2007) Lauren Zander...

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