09 Marriage - Part 2 - Marriage Marriage Part 2 Marrying...

Info iconThis preview shows page 1. Sign up to view the full content.

View Full Document Right Arrow Icon
This is the end of the preview. Sign up to access the rest of the document.

Unformatted text preview: Marriage Marriage Part 2 Marrying Well Marrying Well “Love: Choice or Chance” – By Dr. Susan Robison – 1. Be a good partner! – 2. Find a good partner! – 3. Do good things! Couples seeking marital therapy have identifiable problems in 3 areas/some combination Marrying Well Marrying Well 1. Be a good partner – Healthy self­esteem: evaluation of ourselves – Individual goals & dreams, career pursuits What you want to do in life. – Growing edges: something you are not good at, opportunity when you can grow on that area where you aren’t good at. – Social skills: better partner! – Healthy reasons/motives for getting married Marrying Well Marrying Well 2. Find a good partner – Have a “list” Research – Age at marriage – SES: educations – Family of origin. Intergeneration family of divorce. Associated with having a great change of divorce: not casual – Belief system are messed up, poor parental models of behaviors. Conflict resolution. Marrying Well Marrying Well 2. Find a good partner – Have a “list” Research – Personality Avoid narcissists: use relationship to enhance themselves. Don’t make attempt to cultivate the relationship. Neurotic, agreeable, conscientious Personality characteristics Personality characteristics Adjectives of Neuroticism – (Goldberg’s Big 5) 7­pt Likert scale 1 Extremely unlike me 2 3 4 5 Neither like nor unlike me don’t know 6 7 Extremely like me – 1 (extremely unlike me) to 4 (neither like nor unlike me/don’t know) to 7 (extremely like me) – Fear, fret, moody, insecure, jealous, self­pitying, anxious, touchy, temperamental, nervous, envious, irritable, emotional, relaxed, unenvious, imperturbable, unemotional, demanding, high­strung Personality characteristics Personality characteristics Adjectives of Agreeableness – (Goldberg’s Big 5) 7­pt Likert scale 1 Extremely unlike me 2 3 4 5 Neither like nor unlike me don’t know 6 7 Extremely like me – 1 (extremely unlike me) to 4 (neither like nor unlike me/don’t know) to 7 (extremely like me) – Agreeable, cooperative, considerate, generous, warm, kind, trustful, helpful, jealous, uncharitable, cold, demanding, unsympathetic, selfish, uncooperative Personality characteristics Personality characteristics Adjectives of Conscientiousness – (Goldberg’s Big 5) 7­pt Likert scale 1 Extremely unlike me 2 3 4 5 Neither like nor unlike me don’t know 6 7 Extremely like me – 1 (extremely unlike me) to 4 (neither like nor unlike me/don’t know) to 7 (extremely like me) – Careful, conscientious, organized, thorough, prompt, practical, negligent, inconsistent, careless, disorganized, undependable, rude Marrying Well Marrying Well 2. Find a good partner – Have a “list” Research – Personality Avoid narcissists L Neuroticism, H Agreeableness, H Conscientiousness – Compatibility Mutually enjoyable activities in common Similar values & religious beliefs Myth of perfect compatibility destiny beliefs vs. growth beliefs (Knee, Patrick, & Lonsbary, 2003) Marrying Well Marrying Well 2. Find a good partner – Develop a search strategy – Be in the right place at right times Marrying Well Marrying Well 3. Do good things! – Good memory Rocky vs smooth courtships – Dreams Important and for couples to have dreams and to continue to dream together and support their dreams as indiv and as a couple – Bring out best in partners Michelangelo phenomenon Rocky Courtships Rocky Courtships – Courtships that are characterized by multiple ups and downs are less likely to yield happy, stable marriages. Smooth Courtships Smooth Courtships – Smooth, upwardly moving courtships are associated with happier, more stable marriages Marrying Well 3. Do good things! – Develop skills Communication and conflict management skills­protection – Humor to break tension and to feel better. – Avoid temptation Myth of attraction – – – – Derogation of alternatives Inattention to tempting alternatives True in lab work too. Those alternative isn’t as attraction as my partner: derogation – Social networks How the people socially affect your marriage Balance indiv and couple leisure activity Early marriage is an important time that couples redefining their networks Marrying Well Marrying Well 3. Do good things! – 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Avoid dysfunctional beliefs/attitudes Disagreements are destructive mindreading is essential. Partners cannot change Sex should be perfect every time Men and women are very different Great relationships just happen (Summarized in Miller, Perlman, & Brehm, 2007) Marrying Well Marrying Well 3. Do good things! – willing to change – Deepen friendship and commitment Novel, challenging, exciting activities – experimental data – Those that play together, stay together! Longitudinal data – – – Year 7­16, 9 years later Boredom, closemess and satisfaction Marital boredom at year 7lower closeness at yr 16lower satisfaction at yr 16 Marrying Well Marrying Well Really a matter of choice rather than chance! – Prepare yourself to be a good partner – Know research ­ look for qualities in partner – Do good things together to maintain marital quality & stability Marrying Well Marrying Well Really a matter of choice rather than chance! – Do good things together to maintain marital quality & stability More committed partners – more cognitive and behavioral maintenance mechanisms: actively doing something to maintain the relationship. – Behavioral: Willingness to sacrifice, accommodation, Michelangelo phenomenon, play forgiveness – Cognitive Inattention to alternative, derogation of tempting alternative, positive illusion, perceived superiority ...
View Full Document

Ask a homework question - tutors are online