10 Communication, Conflict, & Emotional Management - part 1-2

10 Communication, Conflict, & Emotional Management - part 1-2

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Unformatted text preview: Communication, Conflict, & Emotional Management Management Communication & Conflict Communication Outline Effective Communication Why is communication so important? Research – Satisfied vs. Dissatisfied Couples Active Listening Active What is it? Role of Speaker & Listener More research Gender Differences in Communication The Role of Humor in Communication Effective Communication Effective Communication involves Communication A sender & A receiver Intent of the message the sender gives equals the Intent impact of the message the receiver gets (good communication) communication) Intent = Impact Interpersonal gap When the senders intentions differ from the effect on the receiver Filters interfere with effective communication Identify own filters Minimize filters Filters Filters 1. Inattention Receiver is preoccupied with something else 2. Emotional States 3. Beliefs & Expectations 4. Differences in Style 5. Self Protection Why is communication so important? Why is it important to be a good communicator? Good communication – key to marital success Conflicts are inevitable – Conflicts the way conflict is handled predicts marital success (satisfaction & the stability) stability) Dan Canary story - never-resolved About 65% of all marriages partner’s conflicts are managed, not resolved 2/3 of them will keep coming up again and again Poor communication (mishandled conflict) destroys good Poor stuff of marriage over time stuff Communication Factors Distinguishing Satisfied from Dissatisfied Couples from John Gottman’s research 30+ years of longitudinal studies Studied various groups of couples Found that he could predict, at a certain point, whether a person is going to Found stay happily married, somewhat by just looking at the nonverbals stay 80-90% accuracy rate, he was able to tell if they would last 5:1 ratio There were 5 times more positive interactions or elements to every 1 negative interaction Fewer signs of Horseman of Apocalypse & more signs of Angels of Fewer Marital Bliss Marital Less negative escalation Negative escalation: response a more hurtful comment not related to topic. Gottman’s 5 Horseman of the Apocalypse Apocalypse 1. Criticism 2. Contempt More contempt are seen in dissatisfied couples -> divorce 3. Defensiveness 4. Stonewalling or Withdrawal 5. Belligerence Direct challenge to spouse’s power and authority, Direct aggressive, hostile in nature and attitude. Robison’s 5 Angels of Marital Bliss Marital 1. Requests (Criticism) 2. Respect (Contempt) 3. Openness (Defensiveness) 4. Engagement (Stonewalling) 5. Conciliation (Belligerence) Active process in bringing to agreement, regain Active good will. good Dysfunctional Patterns of Communication Dysfunctional Kitchen-sinking Mindreading* Interrupt in neg way, to show disagreement or change topic, not Interrupt necessarily bad if showing agreement or asking question, only when to assert power. when Yes-butting People assume they understand partner’s People thoughts/feelings/opinions without asking, unhappy couples mind thoughts/feelings/opinions Interrupting* Topic of discussion gets off track; focus on things from past, Topic things they can’t control; it destroys trust btwn partners, overwhelm receiver. Find something wrong with partner’s idea “We could try that..but” Cross-complaining Return one complaint with another complaint, fail to acknowledge Return Couples w/ Poor Communication Skills Skills Potentially serious negative health effects Increased stress hormones Poorer immune function Slower wound healing Slower Active Listening Active What is it? One technique therapists teach clients to One communicate more effectively Intellectual Controversy Gottman vs. Markman & Stanley Gottman Gottman stated that couples don’t use technique Gottman naturally, don’t look like this when they have convo. naturally, Markman: it’s a way to get couples who are having Markman: trouble to stop escalation of predictors of divorce. trouble Active Listening Active What does it do? 1. Prevents negative escalation 2. Promotes 5 Angels 3. Prevents invalidation 4. Identifies Filters Active Listening: Speaker Active Who am I? Who Goal: to help the Listener hear and understand Goal: your point of view your 1. Speak for yourself Make “I” messages Make Don’t mind read Frame comments in terms of how you feel Use XYZ formula When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z. When you put your dirty clothes on the floor after work, I feel When upset. upset. Active Listening: Speaker Active 2. Make messages clear Be specific Avoid mixed/double messages Avoid Conflict btwn verbal msg and nonverbal msg (what Conflict they’re doing w/ face, tone of voice, body language). they’re Double msg: when you ask/say contradictory things at Double same time 3. Don’t overload the listener Talk in small chunks, let listener summarize what Talk they say. they Active Listening: Speaker Active 4. Avoid blaming, attacking or critical 4. statements statements 5. Stop & let the listener paraphrase Active Listening: Listener Active Who are you? 1. Paraphrase/Summarize Goal: to understand the intent of speaker Say things along line of “so what I hear you saying Say is..”, don’t repeat verbatim, taking in and understanding it understanding 2. Don’t rebut/ get defensive Active Listening: Interaction Active Who are we? 1. Appropriate time 2. Prevent/stop negative escalation 3. S & L take turns 4. Delay problem solving skills Applying Skills Applying Just because you know skills does not mean Just you will always communicate well. you Recognize destructive patterns – put a stop to Recognize bad behavior bad Destructive patterns are more powerful than Destructive positive behavior, so stop negative behaviors = make diff in long run. make ...
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This note was uploaded on 11/10/2011 for the course HDF 304 taught by Professor Gray during the Spring '08 term at University of Texas at Austin.

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