engl102 - the absence of a father which the audience may...

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Debria Johnson September 21, 2011 English 101 The paper that you wrote had some positives as well as negatives. The fact that you began your paper with a quote from the photographer is commendable, because it gives the reader more of a background on the photo. It also makes the photo itself more personal and relatable. The thesis statement is worthy of the photo because it makes a visible connection between Disney World and society. The second paragraph of the essay is a little repetitive. More elaboration would better strengthen the student’s thesis statement. It does, however, raise questions that would not have been pondered otherwise. This is the purpose of this essay, to arouse thought. She comments on
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Unformatted text preview: the absence of a father, which the audience may not have noticed. The organization of the sentences needs to be improved in order to achieve a better idea of the author’s thought process. If certain sentences and ideas had been switched or better positioned, then the paper would have had a better coherency. Certain paragraphs should have been combined because they embodied similar ideas. The author expresses that it was tough elaborating on her thesis. At first, when writing my paper, I also had a hard time explaining my thesis, but I just reworked it so it would “work” for me. It’s important to challenge yourself but your thoughts have to be strong enough to follow up on....
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