Research Paper Workshop - Sijia Hao English 125 Section 099...

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Sijia Hao English 125 – Section 099 Short 5 December 2010 Essay Revision – Dylan Johnson’s “Chicago Bulls” Alrighty. I like how you thought that I’d think your essay would be boring but it’s really not, even though I’m not a huge basketball person. It’s simplistic and easy to follow. I’ve already marked pretty much everything I think needs changing, but a couple things. I don’t think you need to gear and word your entire paper around answering question by using “this question can be answered…” “The question still remains…” and so on and so forth; if you do a thorough job, you won’t need to specify which exact proponents of the essay are answering which specific aspects of the question. I think the point of Short giving us a question to “answer” was to guide the entire paper, not so much so we can do an extended Q&A sesh. Speaking of question, you can probably condense it into something more concise and eloquent. Right now, it’s “why where they [the Chicago Bulls] so good? How can a team maintain success as great as theirs throughout an entire decade?” Which technically is two questions. You can definitely shorten it, maybe into something along the lines of “What contributed to the resounding success of the Chicago Bulls in the 90’s?” Or something. Maybe. Also, this is sorta a small thing but toward the end, you mention that the Celtics won eleven of thirteen championships back in the 50s-60s. You just spent an entire essay arguing more or less that the 90’s Bulls were the GREATEST basketball team to EVER exist EVER (or at least that “obtaining 6/10 championships never seemed feasible”) but clearly the Celtics show that that statement is false; slipping them in the end like completely negates your entire previous argument. I’m not really sure what you should do about this because you can’t just pretend the Celtics never happened; maybe you can mention it in the beginning as “other than the Celtics, the Bulls lalala. .” You surely can’t use such absolute words like “never”, especially when said
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This note was uploaded on 01/25/2012 for the course ENGLISH 125 taught by Professor Decourcy during the Fall '09 term at University of Michigan.

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Research Paper Workshop - Sijia Hao English 125 Section 099...

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