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Unformatted text preview: Healthy vs. Unhealthy Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships HE 506 Rick Vogt 4/19/04 Violence Among Intimates Violence Among Intimates s s Most studies of the courtship processes of dating, going steady, and becoming engaged have portrayed these events in a context of love, attraction, affection, mutual disclosure, and increasing closeness and commitment as the relationship moves toward increasing exclusivity and marriage. Other recent studies, however, have suggested that violence and sexual exploitation are the dark side of courtship, and that dating violence is very prevalent. Dating Violence Quiz Dating Violence Quiz s s Does your partner…. 1. Isolate you from the people you care about most or from friends you have before you began dating? s 2. Frequently embarrass you or make fun of you in front of other people? s 3. Use intimidation to make you do what he/she wants? s 4. Make you feel there is “no way out” of the relationship? s 5. Make you perform sexual acts that you don’t enjoy (against your will)? s 6. Threaten you with force, words, or weapons? s 7. Use alcohol or drugs as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you? s 8. Get extremely angry frequently, and you don’t understand why? s 9. Not believe he has hurt you or blame you for what he/she has done? s 10.Physically force you to do what you don’t want to do? Characteristics of Characteristics of Battering/Abusive Relationships s s s s s Jealousy Sudden or extreme emotional attachment Controlling behavior Blames others for problems/feelings Use of force during intimacy s s s s s s Unrealistic expectations Verbal abuse Isolation Past abuse Threats of violence Breaking or striking objects Characteristics explained Characteristics explained s Jealousy: abusers may say that jealousy is a sign of love in a relationship. Popular culture often reinforces this notion. Jealousy is usually a sign of possessiveness and insecurity and may lead to isolation of the targeted victim and other abusive behaviors s Sudden or Extreme Emotional Attachment: Abusers often come on like a whirlwind in a new relationship. Often this is expressed by saying things such as, “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I’d be nothing without you.” The abuser may pressure the dating partner into committing to the relationship before they are ready and may later make it difficult for the partner to end the relationship Characteristics explained Characteristics explained s Controlling Behavior: An abuser may say the controlling behavior is because of deep care about the partner or concern about the dating partner’s safety and future. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may try to influence the partner’s decision about clothing, how time and money are spent, etc. s Blames others for problems/feelings: Abusers may feel that everyone is out to get them or that someone is always doing them wrong. Abusers may blame their dating partners for anything that goes wrong. As the abuse gets worse, abusers usually blame their victims for making them behave in an abusive manner, etc. Characteristics explained Characteristics explained s Use of force during intimacy: An abuser may try to hold their partner down during intimacy. The abuser also may show little or no concern for the dating partner’s intimate desires. s Unrealistic expectations: Abusers often expect dating partners to meet all of their needs and may say things such as, “If you loved me you would”, or “I’m all you need.” s Verbal abuse: Verbal abuse can involve playing mind games, name­calling, humiliation or making the partner feel guilty, shamed and embarrassed. Characteristics explained Characteristics explained s Isolation: Abusers often try to cut their dating partners off from all resources and people who are important to the victim. They may accuse these supportive people of causing trouble or getting in the way of the relationship. s Past abuse: Abusers may tell their dating partners that they have used violence before, but only if, “their partner made them do it.” If the current partner stays long enough, it is likely they will be abused also. Characteristics explained Characteristics explained s Threats of violence: This can be any threat of physical force meant to control the partner, such as, “If I can’t have you, no one will”, “You’ll be sorry if you leave me”, or “You’re nothing without me.” s Breaking or striking objects: This behavior is used as punishment and to threaten or terrorize the dating partner into submission. This type of behavior often indicates other or future violence. Healthy, Unhealthy, Abusive? Healthy, Unhealthy, Abusive? s Healthy is when you are safe and strong enough to talk about how you feel. s Unhealthy is feeling awkward about saying how you feel. s Abusive is being afraid to say how you feel because you fear being put down or threatened. H, U, A? continued... H, U, A? continued... s HEALTHY is when you are listened to and respected even if there are differences. UNHEALTHY is when you are ignored and not respected. ABUSIVE is when you are treated with disrespect and your ideas and feelings are treated with contempt. s HEALTHY is when you can have disagreements and still talk respectfully to each other. UNHEALTHY is when your disagreements turn to fights to often. ABUSIVE is when you are afraid to disagree because you don't want to run the risk of their violence and anger!! H, U, A? continued... H, U, A? continued... s HEALTHY is when you take time to become intimate and when both parties can be honest concerning their feelings about physical affection and sex. UNHEALTHY is when you are embarrassed to say how you feel because you think they may not listen or care. ABUSIVE is when your needs and wants are ignored and when you are pushed into situations that frighten and degrade you. s HEALTHY is when you trust each other and are comfortable with your dating partner spending time with another guy or girl. UNHEALTHY is when you feel jealous every time your dating partner talks to another guy or girl. ABUSIVE is when you are accused of flirting all the time and ORDERED not to talk to another guy or girl. Healthy Relationships and Dating Violence s s s s s s s HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD INCLUDE… Trust and support Honesty Respect Shared responsibility Equality Always feeling safe s s s s s s s WARNING SIGNS OF DATING VIOLENCE… Extreme jealousy and possessiveness Controlling attitudes and behaviors Drastic mood swings Explosive anger Feeling dependent upon the other Alcohol and drug use (especially when it causes a person’s behavior to change) Dating Violence: Types of Abuse PHYSICAL ABUSE *Pushing or shoving you *Slapping or hitting you *Kicking or punching you *Restraining you by force *Choking you *Throwing objects at you *Twisting your arm *Threatening you with weapons or force Dating Violence: Types of Dating Violence: Types of Abuse cont.. s EMOTIONAL ABUSE *Ignoring your feelings *Constantly criticizes you *Make all decisions for you *Controls your actions *Ridicules you or your beliefs *Makes you feel bad about yourself Dating Violence: Types of Dating Violence: Types of Abuse cont.. s SEXUAL ABUSE *Forcing you to engage in sexual activity against your will *Touching you in an uncomfortable way *Minimizing your feelings about sex Sexual Assault Sexual Assault s If you have been sexually assaulted: Know that it is not your fault and you are not alone Sexual Assault Sexual Assault If you have been sexually assaulted: *Right away (before bathing, or changing your clothes) get a medical exam to check for injuries, STDs or pregnancy. *Talk to someone about it­the longer you ignore it, the longer it will take for you to recover. *Take care of yourself­allow your body to physically and emotionally heal from this trauma. If you know someone who has been sexually assaulted: *Listen to them and believe them. *Encourage them to take care of themselves (see above). *Reassure them that it was not their fault. *Provide them with as much support as possible. s s ROHYPNOL (ROOFIES) INFORMATION (used in many date rapes) s Have you been watching your drink closely throughout the night? s If you haven’t been, who has? Is there a chance, ROOFIES could have been secretly dropped into your drink? Rohypnol, more commonly referred to as Roofies, Ruffies, Mexican Valium, or The Forget Pill, is being used on college campuses and in bars to rape unsuspecting victims. These tasteless and odorless pills dissolve quickly into drinks and produce s effects in 30­60 minutes. ROHYPNOL (ROOFIES) INFORMATION cont.. Symptoms May Include: *Drowsiness *Impaired motor skills *Temporary amnesia *Impaired judgment *Muscle relaxation *Unconsciousness *Dizziness *Confusion And, when coupled with alcohol or drugs, can even result in death! s s s Due to these symptoms, especially unconsciousness and temporary amnesia, many have found themselves the next morning in a strange place and as victims of sexual assault! ROHYPNOL (ROOFIES) INFORMATION cont.. s TIPS TO STAY SAFE... *Watch your drink *Don’t accept drinks from strangers *Don’t drink from a punch bowl or common source *Don’t leave your drink unattended Profile of a Domestic Abuser s s s s s s The first thing to know about any abuser is that he is a normal man. There is nothing unusual about him, nothing to indicate he is an abuser. Every abuser believes he has a right to control a woman. Their need to control is far greater than his capacity for love of the woman or the children. Abusers don't forget about their abuse, they just deny it. Abusers minimize the impact and effect of their abuse. They make it less than it is which makes us feel that we are over reacting. Abusers blame their partner for their abuse. They may blame alcohol, drugs, their parents, their job anything but themselves to justify their behavior. Abusers tend to associate with other abusive men. They invite support for their abuse from other people. Beliefs of Abusers s 1. Anger causes violence! s 2. Women are manipulative! s 3. If I don't control her, she'll control me! s 4. Smashing things isn't abusive, it's venting! s 5. Sometimes there's no alternative to violence! s 6. Women are just as abusive as men! s 7. Women want to be dominated by men! s 8. Somebody has to be in charge! s 9. Jealousy is natural to men! s 10. Violence is a breakdown in communications! s 11. Men can't change if women won't! Just how dangerous is he? s If he threatens to kill you, himself, your family, accept the fact that if he gets desperate enough, he just might. s Does he ever fantasize or ‘joke’ about killing you, himself or a family member? The more often he fantasizes or the more evolved and thought out the fantasy is, the more likely he is to act it out. Is he depressed? If he becomes acutely depressed, to the point he feels there is no point in living (for anyone) Watch out! Is he a drug user? If he gets drunk or high and then starts to fantasize about killing, he is more likely to do it. How is his temper? Does he fly off into terrifying rages? s Does he have a gun or other weapon? Has he threatened to s s s use it against you? Just how dangerous is he? s s s s Access to a weapon while drunk, high or simply enraged could prove lethal. Is he obsessively jealous or controlling? Does he view you as his property? This kind of person will not let go easily and is likely to harass, stalk and threaten you after you have left. Is he cruel to pets, siblings? If so consider he feels it’s OK to abuser those he deems weaker than himself. That includes you. If any of the above applies to your situation, call your local crisis center TODAY. Why Women Stay s The reasons why women stay in abusive relationships are highly complex and varied; We could not possibly hope to cover them right here. This summary attempts to break down the major motivators causing women to stay. All of these factors are not found in every situation, but a combination of some of them is usually enough to keep women with abusive partners. Why Women Stay s Frequency and Severity s s s • The abuse may occur over a short period of time. • He may tell her "I'm sorry, it will never happen again" and she will believe him. • Generally, the less severe and less frequent the incidents, the more likely it is that she'll stay. Why Women Stay s Her Childhood s s • She may have lived in a home where some form of abuse occurred and accepts it as normal, either consciously or unconsciously. • The more she was abused as a child, in any form (physical, emotional etc) the more likely she is to stay. Why Women Stay s s s s Economic Dependence • She may be economically dependent on him and see no real alternative . In her eyes, it may be worth putting up with abuse in order to gain economic security. • Economic conditions today afford women with children few viable options. She often has no marketable skills. Government assistance is very limited and many women dread welfare. • Her partner may control all their money and she may have no access to cash, checks or important documents. Why Women Stay s Fear s s s • She believes her partner to be omnipotent. She sees no real way to protect herself from him. Many of her fears are justifiable. • If she or a neighbor reports him to the police, he will often take revenge upon her. • She believes she has no power to change the situation. Why Women Stay s Beliefs About Marriage s s s s • Religious and cultural beliefs, or the eyes of society demand that she maintain the facade of a good marriage. • Often she stays for "the sake of the children". • She may believe that abuse is part of every marriage. • Many women are raised to believe the overwhelming importance of a good relationship with a man, and that good relationships are her responsibility not his. Why Women Stay s Her Beliefs About Men s s s • She often still loves him and is emotionally dependent. • She believes him to be all powerful and able to find her anywhere. Many of her fears and beliefs about him are based in reality since some of the violence exhibited by these men is lethal. • Often, motivated by pity and compassion, she feels she is the only one who can help him overcome his problem. More Types of Abuse More Types of Abuse s s s s Verbal Abuse Name Calling: Sarcasm, ridiculing, put downs; Threats: To kill or damage property, to kill self, pets or harm friendships. Intimidation: Creating fear with facial expressions, tone of voice, gesture or stopping another's movement; breaking into vehicles, houses, destroying property, pets. Emotional Abuse Continuous criticism: Extreme jealousy, denying privacy. Isolation: From contact with friends and family; restricting who partner can see and talk to, where partner can go, not letting partner work or go to school. More Types of Abuse cont.. More Types of Abuse cont.. s s Emotional Abuse cont.. Domination: Always being the boss, having all the power. Using Children: Using visitation to harass partner, sending messages through the children, turning children against partner s Financial Abuse by criticizing partner. s Controlling all the money, concealing joint assets or shared money, keeping partner impoverished, blowing all the family money. s Physical Abuse s Pushing, slapping, hitting, kicking, choking, hair pulling, biting, using weapons, tying up a person, locking them in a room, preventing sleep. More Types of Abuse cont... More Types of Abuse cont... s Sexual Abuse s Forcing another to perform sex acts they do not want to do, rape or physically attacking the sexual parts of another's body. s s System Abuse Violating restraining orders, child custody agreements, using the legal system to harass, telling lies about a partner to police, counselors or the courts. Healthy Relationship Healthy Relationship Characteristics s s s s s Intimacy develops slowly over time from a friendship into a committed relationship. You enter into a relationship with someone who is capable of participating in an intimate relationship. They don't have emotional scars from their child hood or previous relationships. You can trust them. They can trust you. Trust must develop slowly over time. Being sexual when you want it – not being forced or coerced. Saying no to sex, gifts or attention you don't want. Not allowing someone to take advantage of you in any way (sexual, financial, and emotional) and not taking advantage of your partner. The relationship is based on trust, respect and commitment, you don't fear abandonment. You feel secure in the relationship. Healthy Relationship Healthy Relationship Characteristics cont.. s s s s s s s You feel relaxed about the relationship, you are not anxious about losing the other person. There is no drug or alcohol abuse, no love affairs, no physical, emotional or mental abuse. Your partner is a good friend, you respect each other, you can communicate your wants and needs honestly. You both encourage each other to be their best. You have concern for each other's happiness. You can talk openly about your needs and are listened too. Both partners see themselves as equals, no one is superior, there is no need to beg or plead, no need to dominate or compete. You both support each other's healthy hobbies and interests. You and your partner both have friends and interests outside the relationship. You are not isolated. HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS HEALTHY s • make people happier and ease stress • s• s• s• s are realistic and flexible mean sharing and talking include self­care use fair fighting techniques Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships s Healthy relationships bring happiness and health to our lives. Studies show that people with healthy relationships really do have more happiness and less stress. There are basic ways to make relationships healthy, e ve n th o ug h e a c h o ne is d iffe re n t…p a re nts , s ib ling s , frie nd s , b o yfrie nd s , g irlfrie nd s , p ro fe s s o rs , ro o m m a te s , a nd c la s s m a te s . He re a re Ten Tips for Healthy Relationships! Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships cont. s 1. Keep expectations realistic. No one can be everything we might want him or her to be. Sometimes people disappoint us. It’s not all­or­nothing, though. Healthy relationships mean accepting people as they are and not trying to change them! s 2. Talk with each other. It can’t be said enough: communication is essential in healthy relationships! It means— s • Take the time. Really be there. Take s • Genuinely listen. Don’t plan what to say next while you’re trying to listen. Don’t Genuinely interrupt. s • Listen with your ears and your heart. Sometimes people have emotional Sometimes people have emotional messages to share and weave it into their words. Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships cont.. s • Ask questions. Ask if you think you may have missed the point. Ask Ask friendly (and appropriate!) questions. Ask for opinions. Show your interest. Open the communication door. s • Share information. Studies show that sharing information especially Studies show that sharing information especially helps relationships begin. Be generous in sharing yourself, but don’t overwhelm others with too much too soon. s 3. Be flexible. Most of us try to keep people and situations just the way we like them to be. It’s natural to feel apprehensive, even sad or angry, when people or things change and we’re not ready for it. Healthy relationships mean change and growth are allowed! Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships cont... s 4. Take care of you. You probably hope those around you like you so you may try to please them. Don’t forget to please yourself. Healthy relationships are mutual! s 5. Be dependable. If you make plans with someone, follow 5. If you make plans with someone, follow through. If you have an assignment deadline, meet it. If you take on a responsibility, complete it. Healthy relationships are trustworthy! Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships cont…. s 6. Fight fair. Most relationships have some conflict. It only means you disagree about something, it doesn’t have to mean you don’t like each other! When you have a problem: s • Negotiate a time to talk about it. Don’t have difficult conversations when you are very angry or tired. Ask, "When is a good time to talk about something that is bothering me?" Healthy relationships are based on respect and have room for both. s • Don’t criticize. Attack the problem, not the other person. Open sensitive conversations with "I" statements; talk about how you struggle with the problem. Don’t open with "you" statements; avoid blaming the other person for your thoughts and feelings. Healthy relationships don’t blame. Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships cont….. s • Don’t assign feelings or motives. Let others speak for themselves. Healthy relationships recognize each person’s right to explain themselves. s • Stay with the topic. Don’t use a current concern as a reason to jump into everything that bothers you. Healthy relationships don’t use ammunition from the past to fuel the present. s • Say, "I’m sorry" when you’re wrong. It goes a long way in making things right again. Healthy relationships can admit mistakes. s • Don’t assume things. When we feel close to someone it’s easy to think we know how he or she thinks and feels. We can be very wrong! Healthy relationships check things out. Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships cont…... s • Ask for help if you need it. Talk with someone who can help you find resolution—like your RA, a counselor, a teacher, a minister or even parents. Healthy relationships aren’t afraid to ask for help. s • There may not be a resolved ending. Be prepared to compromise or to disagree about some things. Healthy relationships don’t demand conformity or perfect agreement. s • Don’t hold grudges. You don’t have to accept anything and everything, but don’t hold grudges—they just drain your energy. Studies show that the more we see the best in others, the better healthy relationships get. Healthy relationships don’t hold on to past hurts and misunderstandings. s • The goal is for everyone to be a winner. Relationships with winners and losers don’t last. Healthy relationships are between winners who seek answers to problems together. s • You can leave a relationship. You can choose to move out of a relationship. Studies tell us that loyalty is very important in good relationships, but healthy relationships are NOW, not some hoped­for future development. Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships cont……. s 7. Show your warmth. Studies tell us warmth is highly valued by most people in their relationships. Healthy relationships show emotional warmth! s 8. Keep your life balanced. Other people help make our 8. Other people help make our lives satisfying but they can’t create that satisfaction for us. Only you can fill your life. Don’t overload on activities, but do use your time at college to try new things—clubs, volunteering, lectures, projects. You’ll have more opportunities to meet people and more to share with them. Healthy relationships aren’t dependent! Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships cont…….. s 9. It’s a process. Sometimes it looks like everyone else on campus is 9. Sometimes it looks like everyone else on campus is confident and connected. Actually, most people feel just like you feel, wondering how to fit in and have good relationships. It takes time to meet people and get to know them…so, make "small talk"…respond to others…smile…keep trying. Healthy relationships can be learned and practiced and keep getting better! s 10. Be yourself! It’s much easier and much more fun to be you than to 10. It’s much easier and much more fun to be you than to pretend to be something or someone else. Sooner or later, it catches up anyway. Healthy relationships are made of real people, not images! Good Relationships... Good Relationships... s Good relationships are when: s You make decisions together. s You disagree and you know it's OK to talk about your differences. You really listen to each other's viewpoints and feelings. You negotiate when you have conflict ­ finding a way to compromise so you both get what you need. You feel comfortable taking time alone if you need it and feel alright doing some things separately. There's is no fear in your relationship. You don't restrict or control each other. You respect and value each other. s s s s s s How can this happen for me? How can this happen for me? s How do you get this kind of relationship? s By being honest with each other in the beginning. s s s s s s s By giving each other room to breathe. By being responsible for your own feelings and valuing yourself. By not expecting the other person to solve all your problems or give you everything you are going to need. By telling the truth even when it's hard... not to hurt their feelings, but to show respect for yourself and them by caring enough to be honest. By getting rid of that chip on your shoulder. By not letting anyone treat you like a doormat. By treating someone as you would like to be treated yourself. ...
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This note was uploaded on 04/04/2012 for the course BI, HEALTH 251 taught by Professor N/a during the Spring '12 term at MD University College.

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