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Unformatted text preview: too tired
to go out now?”; “Are you feeing angry?”
– Speak of yourself – “I’m getting tired and
irritable.” FIVE FORMS OF VERBAL
Labeling – Attributing qualities to your
– Example – “You are mean and selfish.”
– Refrain from negative generalizing and namecalling. Speak of yourself or ask a question:
“I’m uncomfortable with the way we’re talking.
I’d like to try discussing it tomorrow. Is that
OK with you?”
OK FIVE FORMS OF VERBAL
Criticizing – Talking negatively about
what your partner does or has done.
– Example – “You leave your clothes strewn
around the house.” “You put too much salt in
– Positive alternative – Use “When You…I…”
“When you leave clothes strewn around the
house, I feel agitated. I get nervous about the
– Speak of yourself – “I like less salt.”
“I FIVE FORMS OF VERBAL
Advising and commanding – Telling
your partner what to do.
– Example – “Put on a sweater, it’s cold out.”
“Don’t eat that: its too fattening.
– Speak of your concern and/or ask a question:
“Its cold out. Do you want a sweater?”
“Would you please close the windows before
you leave?” “Do you want to eat that? Its
high in fat.”
high CONFLICT RESOLUTIONSEQUENCE
Secrets to Success
EXPRESS YOUR INITIAL POSITION
– Say it don’t hint
– Symmetry: did both of you express your initial
– Summarize by defining the problem in a nofault, umbrella way that includes both and
blames CONFLICT RESOLUTIONSEQUENCE
Secrets to Success
DETERMINE MUTUALLY ACCEPTABLE
SOLUTIONS responsive to all concerns.
– Create solution options by adding modifications to
your original positions and by devising completely
– Think in terms of solution sets, taking into account all
of the concerns.
– Summarize the plan, to be certain you both leave with
the same understanding.
– Ask the final essential question: Are there any pieces
of this that still feel unfinished?
of CONFLICT RESOLUTIONSEQUENCE
Secrets to Success
EXPLORE THE UNDERLYING CONCERNS –
llisting all the concerns of each of you on one
– Use the four Ss if you are getting stuck!
– Are we maintaining symmetry, exploring equally both of
– Are we giving long speeches or talking in short
– Are we talking in generalities or specifics?
– Have we put together a summary, llisting all the
concerns each of us has, as a bridge to the third step,
finding END OF THIRD TEST
IMPLIES BEING RESPONSIBLE TO AND
FOR ANOTHER PERSON.
– COMMITTED PARTNERS DO NOT SEE
THEIR PROBLEMS OR DISAGREEMENTS
AS INDICATIONS THAT THEIR
RELATIONSHIP IS OVER. THEY VIEW
THEIR RELATIONSHIP AS WORTH
KEEPING, AND THEY WORK TO KEEP IT IN
SPITE OF DIFFICULTIES – STINNETT.
SPITE MOST PEOPLE SHY AWAY FROM
Lack of maturity to handle it.
Usually there is a low self-esteem and
We learn to be emotionally elusive. DEFINING INTIMACY
The DESIRE and CAPACITY to COMMIT
to CONCRETE affiliations and
partnerships and to DEVELOP the ethical
STRENGTH (values) to ABIDE by such
commitments, even though they may call
for significant SACRIFICES and
COMPROMISES. COMMITMENT: THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Men tend to believe commitment to be
involved in a relationship that is fun,
provides good companionship, and
respects the freedom of each partner.
Women tend to believe commitment
primarily as sexual exclusiveness and
dedication to the duration of the
relationship. FIVE CHARACTERISTICS OF
Dedication to continuing the relationship – the
idea of working to build.
Rejection of competing or alternative
relationships – maintain primary relationships
Limitation of one’’s personal activities – conform
to the percei8ved social expectations for a
Personal feelings of attachment – trust, support,
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- Fall '14