Marriage and the Family

Positions summarize by defining the problem in a

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Unformatted text preview: too tired Positive to go out now?”; “Are you feeing angry?” to – Speak of yourself – “I’m getting tired and Speak irritable.” irritable.” FIVE FORMS OF VERBAL TRESSPASSING TRESSPASSING Labeling – Attributing qualities to your partner. partner. – Example – “You are mean and selfish.” Example “You – Refrain from negative generalizing and namecalling. Speak of yourself or ask a question: calling. “I’m uncomfortable with the way we’re talking. I’d like to try discussing it tomorrow. Is that OK with you?” OK FIVE FORMS OF VERBAL TRESSPASSING TRESSPASSING Criticizing – Talking negatively about what your partner does or has done. what – Example – “You leave your clothes strewn Example around the house.” “You put too much salt in the soup.” the – Positive alternative – Use “When You…I…” Positive “When you leave clothes strewn around the house, I feel agitated. I get nervous about the clutter.” clutter.” – Speak of yourself – “I like less salt.” Speak “I FIVE FORMS OF VERBAL TRESSPASSING TRESSPASSING Advising and commanding – Telling your partner what to do. your – Example – “Put on a sweater, it’s cold out.” Example “Don’t eat that: its too fattening. “Don’t – Speak of your concern and/or ask a question: Speak “Its cold out. Do you want a sweater?” “Would you please close the windows before you leave?” “Do you want to eat that? Its high in fat.” high CONFLICT RESOLUTIONSEQUENCE CONFLICT Secrets to Success EXPRESS YOUR INITIAL POSITION EXPRESS – Say it don’t hint – Symmetry: did both of you express your initial Symmetry: positions? positions? – Summarize by defining the problem in a nofault, umbrella way that includes both and fault, blames neither. blames CONFLICT RESOLUTIONSEQUENCE CONFLICT Secrets to Success DETERMINE MUTUALLY ACCEPTABLE DETERMINE SOLUTIONS responsive to all concerns. SOLUTIONS – Create solution options by adding modifications to Create your original positions and by devising completely new options. new – Think in terms of solution sets, taking into account all Think of the concerns. of – Summarize the plan, to be certain you both leave with Summarize the same understanding. the – Ask the final essential question: Are there any pieces Ask of this that still feel unfinished? of CONFLICT RESOLUTIONSEQUENCE CONFLICT Secrets to Success EXPLORE THE UNDERLYING CONCERNS – llisting all the concerns of each of you on one isting joint list. joint – Use the four Ss if you are getting stuck! – Are we maintaining symmetry, exploring equally both of Are symmetry exploring our concerns? our – Are we giving long speeches or talking in short Are segments? segments? – Are we talking in generalities or specifics? Are specifics – Have we put together a summary, llisting all the Have summary isting concerns each of us has, as a bridge to the third step, finding solutions? finding END OF THIRD TEST MATERIAL MATERIAL COMMITMENT COMMITMENT PSYCHOLOGICALLY COMMITMENT PSYCHOLOGICALLY IMPLIES BEING RESPONSIBLE TO AND RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON. FOR – COMMITTED PARTNERS DO NOT SEE COMMITTED THEIR PROBLEMS OR DISAGREEMENTS AS INDICATIONS THAT THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER. THEY VIEW THEIR RELATIONSHIP AS WORTH KEEPING, AND THEY WORK TO KEEP IT IN SPITE OF DIFFICULTIES – STINNETT. SPITE MOST PEOPLE SHY AWAY FROM COMMITMENT: COMMITMENT: Lack of maturity to handle it. Usually there is a low self-esteem and Usually self-concept. self-concept. We learn to be emotionally elusive. DEFINING INTIMACY DEFINING Eric Erikson The DESIRE and CAPACITY to COMMIT The DESIRE CAPACITY COMMIT to CONCRETE affiliations and CONCRETE partnerships and to DEVELOP the ethical DEVELOP STRENGTH (values) to ABIDE by such STRENGTH ABIDE commitments, even though they may call for significant SACRIFICES and SACRIFICES COMPROMISES. COMPROMISES. COMMITMENT: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN BETWEEN Men tend to believe commitment to be Men involved in a relationship that is fun, provides good companionship, and respects the freedom of each partner. respects Women tend to believe commitment Women primarily as sexual exclusiveness and dedication to the duration of the relationship. relationship. FIVE CHARACTERISTICS OF COMMITMENT COMMITMENT Dedication to continuing the relationship – the Dedication idea of working to build. idea Rejection of competing or alternative Rejection relationships – maintain primary relationships relationships Limitation of one’’s personal activities – conform s to the percei8ved social expectations for a committed couple. committed Personal feelings of attachment – trust, support, Personal affirmation...
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