For all we know the beans are decorative plastic

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Unformatted text preview: g that protects us from legal threats, a new typeface, an idea for how to be healthier while we work, a new hat-making tool for TF2, a spectacular animation, a new kind of test that lets us be smarter, a game controller that can tell whether you’re scared or a toy that makes four-year-olds laugh, or (more likely) something nobody’s thought of yet—we can’t wait to see what kind of future you choose to build at Valve. Glossary Jargon. Lingo. Code words. 14-Year-Old Boy—If you see one running your project, don’t worry. That’s actually 57-year-old Josh Weier (see Josh Weier). If you have any extra stem cells, give them to him! He bathes in them daily. Australia—A place that’s either very near or is New Zealand where more than half of Valve’s employees were born. City of Seattle—Where Valve’s founders promised we’d locate our office before pulling a massive bait and switch to the Eastside (see also Greg Coomer). Coffee Machine, Right-hand Dispenser—The dispenser in all coffee machines at Valve that holds the decaffeinated coffee beans. To the best of our knowledge, these have never needed to be refilled. For all we know, the beans are decorative plastic. Company Vacation—Every year, the company gathers all the employees and our families, flies us somewhere tropical, and gives us a free weeklong vacation. Popular pastimes include beard contests, snorkeling, ice cream socials, jet skiing, or just sitting on the beach chatting with the locals about how many googly-eyed seashells you should buy from them. (Your feeling: none. Their counteroffer: Just buy five then.) Empty Shelf on Fifth Floor—Place we’re planning on putting all those awards for Ricochet once the gaming world finally catches up with it. Fishbowl—The conference room by the lunchroom. The one with a big glass wall. Don’t let the name throw you—we don’t actually use it as a fishbowl! Except, of course, on Fishbowl Fridays, where we fill it up with ten thousand gallons of putrid saltwater so that all the manta rays and sharks will have something to breathe while they fight to the death. You won’t see it in your list of benefits, not because it isn’t fun, but because it is illegal. Freight Elevator—(See “Method to move your desk,” on page 18.) Gabe Newell—Of all the people at this company who aren’t your boss, Gabe is the MOST not your boss, if you get what we’re saying. – 54 – – 55 – V ALVE: H ANDBO O K FO R NEW EMP LO YEE S Greg Coomer—The only person who cares or remembers that somebody once might have said we’d move to Seattle. Knives—That which one can never own enough of. A vast collection of them is in no way a Freudian compensation. Manager—The kind of people we don’t have any of. So if you see one, tell somebody, because it’s probably the ghost of whoever was in this building before us. Whatever you do, don’t let him give you a presentation on paradigms in spectral proactivity. Mann Co.—Maker of square, unsafe products for men that occasionally catch on fire, and more occasionally, work as advertised. Owned and operated by Saxton Hale (see Australia). Parking Garage Elevators—Autonomous hostage-taking devices with a will of their own. Beware. Playtesting—What we do early and often. And loudly, if Karen is the tester. Ponies—The animals most beloved by those away from their computers, and most despised by people who prefer to hear jokes just once. Scorpions, Poison, Queen—Repeated exposure to our bathrooms’ Pavlovian rock block soundtrack will ensure that you’ll never be able to relieve yourself again unless someone hums “Rock You like a Hurricane.” Shitty Wizard—Person responsible for all Dota 2 bugs. Aka Finol. Talk Alias—Marc Laidlaw’s internal blog. (Un)weighted Companion Pillow—The thing Erik Wolpaw carries around with him and covers his mouth with after others have sat on it. Valve Activities—You will learn to love blacksmithing. Josh Weier—Variously pronounced “Josh Weere,” “Josh Wire,” “Josh Woe-Rue,” “Josh wuhh…[trailing off],” and “Josh Joshington” by those of us who stopped caring. They’re all equally valid! WFH—Working From Home. What to do if a single snowflake falls out of the sky. Originally uploaded to – 56 – Handbook courtesy of Valve...
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