Looking back on these events i realize that i didnt

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Looking back on these events I realize that I didn’t have a sense of what “self” was so I began following others
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and not really thinking much for myself . Since I didn’t really didn’t have a firm concept of self, I couldn’t even fathom looking out to see how my actions affect others whether directly or indirectly . I didn’t have a relational notion of being at this time in my life . Looking back I can see how small minded and selfish I was to let my problems of insecurity and not knowing who I was as a person to affect how I acted towards and treated other people . I think a lot . Many people have told me that I think too much . Then I wonder: can you really think too much? And then if I’m thinking too much, about thinking too much . This may be why I am conflicted all the time . This is probably why although, I was (and still have the tendencies of) a bounded being, couldn’t remain as such . Two summers ago I was working in Albany with the non for profit organization I grew up with, 15-Love . This summer was like any other only a family friend of mine decided to come back and work with us which I was excited about . She had a son by a man who basically abdicated his role as father and relieved himself of basically any responsibilities dealing with his child . The only thing he was good for was stirring trouble up in her life . She had two jobs yet she still struggled to get her bills paid on time because she was working virtually from paycheck to paycheck . I’ve known this girl since I was in diapers, so anything she needed I would be happy to help her with . However, the first couple weeks after we had started working she asked if she could hold some money so that she could pay for something on her car . She stressed to me that she wouldn’t have enough money to fix up her car and pay for other necessities for her son . Gladly, I gave her a good amount of my paycheck so that she’d be able to do this . Two weeks later, she had another issue and instead of paying me back she asked for some more money to keep her son in daycare . She told me that she
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would pay me back everything, but she really needed it . In total, she asked me for money about three times that summer, but each time I gave it to her . Towards the end of the summer when I was getting ready to go back to school, I was supposed to be saving all my money so that I’d have money for books, grocery, and a little bit of spending money so that I wouldn’t have to ask my mom for anything . She texted me one morning telling me that things started going downhill for her . Her assisted living had gotten messed up and they accused her of knowing about something that she didn’t . She was charged for a felony and ended up having to pay 8000 dollars . However, she didn’t have this money so she would be paying it in increments over the next few years . There was no way I was going to pressure her about the money because of what she was going through . Only, now I didn’t have really any money to go back to school with because I had planned on her paying me back .
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