physiological arousal in a bad way Makes it difficult to pay attention to

Physiological arousal in a bad way makes it difficult

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physiological arousal, in a bad way Makes it difficult to pay attention to partner The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Criticism Not a complaint (specific) Includes blame and character assassination Contempt Attitude of utter disgust or hatred Sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery We may not mean to do it at times, but it still happens unconsciously The worst Defensiveness Blaming the other partner It’s not me, it’s definitely you Stone-walling When the partner finally tunes out Acts as if they don’t care Avoidance of the relationship itself Communication Health effects of conflict/poor communication Increased stress hormones Poorer immune system function Slower wound healing Study: People were given blisters in the study Checked on the progress of the wounds through healing Examined conflict communication skills People with less negative communication skills healed 1-2 days faster What’s the correct way to argue? Specify and own your feelings “I” statements Video in class: Oscar as the appropriate way to argue, Angela as the inappropriate way to argue Don’t accuse or blame Be careful with behavioral description Avoid the use of words like “always” and “never” Blames other Will cause them to become defensive “I wasn’t late last Tuesday. But you were.” Specify a particular event, but not 10 This would be “flooding” according to Gottman, and they could become overwhelmed
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Be direct - your partner can’t read your mind Let things go Constantly pointing out flaws is bad for your relationship Also.. if you feel that bad.. End the relationship Use active listening “It sounds like you’re saying…” Paraphrasing what they are saying Perception checking Gives them an opportunity to understand what you’re saying and gives them time to formulate a response Validating Avoid excuses, but use explanations But not for everything Sometimes you have to admit that you just messed up Acknowledge the legitimacy of other’s opinions and communicate respect for their position The Dark Side of Relationships Jealousy Hurt + Anger + Fear = Jealousy Facing the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival Not restricted to romantic partners Another common context: Siblings, friends Universal - all ages and all cultures Society’s beliefs about jealousy shift over time and vary between cultures In some limited amounts, jealousy can be helpful Tells you to pay more attention to your relationship because your relationship is obviously important to you In other cases, jealousy is no bueno Square-Cap Scenarios People are different in their security of their relationships and this influences their ideas of jealousy/cheating Different definitions makes it hard to gather data
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