Encoding How we package a message Decoding How we un package a message Verbal

Encoding how we package a message decoding how we un

This preview shows page 47 - 50 out of 92 pages.

Encoding- How we “package” a message Decoding- How we “un-package” a message ° Verbal communication About what to we tend to argue?
Image of page 47
The methodology [in studying conflict] o Identify problem areas o Record conversations o “Code” for specific behaviors, etc. Gottman’s studies o Retrospective studies that are highly debated and “oversold” o Identified 7 ‘signs’ of distressed couples [who he claimed are highly likely to divorce] 1. Harsh startup Couple has no problem getting the argument started Those who engage in this behavior begin an argument [in the lab] very quickly and negatively. Differs not in magnitude of criticism, but rather the duration of time it takes to bring it up The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse 2. Criticism NOT a complaint- focuses on a specific behavior (i.e. putting dishes away, picking up shoes left in the middle of the floor, etc.) Tends to be global (i.e. slob) Stating that there is something inherently wrong with the individual which causes them to act a certain way Includes blame and character assassination Ex: “There’s no gas in the car. Why didn’t you fill it up like you said you would?”; “Why can’t you remember anything? Sometimes you can be such an idiot.” 3. Contempt Attitude of utter disgust or hatred Fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about partner Sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, etc. o Often goes unrealized by the partner engaging in the behavior
Image of page 48
4. Defensiveness Way of blaming the partner Rather than accepting the complaint/criticism, it is taking the complaint/criticism and redirecting it to the other partner. o “It’s not me – it’s you.” Becomes difficult to stick to the original grievance on which the argument was focused 5. Stonewalling When one partner finally tunes out of the argument Typically present in couples who have been together for a longer period of time o Occurs when a negative pattern of communication/conflict has already been established Act as though one could not care less Avoidance of not just the fight, but of the relationship itself o Can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness Some evidence suggest that stonewalling is more common among males. o The biological stress-response system in male’s recovers more slowly. 6. Flooding A partner’s negativity is so overwhelming and sudden that you feel shell-shocked. Focus is on protecting one’s self No longer leads to conversation Often leads to stonewalling Nothing constructive comes out of the situation 7. Body language Heart rate, hormones, etc.
Image of page 49
Image of page 50

  • Left Quote Icon

    Student Picture

  • Left Quote Icon

    Student Picture

  • Left Quote Icon

    Student Picture