Bailiff: Order. All rise for the honorable and Emmy-nominated Judge Snooty. Case number 666: Little Suzy Vs. God.
8 Judge Snooty: Thank you Bailiff. Okay, everyone sit down, let’s speeds through this thing—I have a TIVOed episode of Date My Mom and a plate of American cheese singles calling my name. Okay, Little Suzy…says here that you feel as though life seems too awful and that God does not take into consideration your emotional status. Is that correct? Suzy: Yes, your honor. Judge Snooty: Okay—so because I also see no necessarily unavoidable reasons to grant such a girl with so many hardships, we’ll start with you God. God: For sure. Judge Snooty: What could possibly be your motivation to strike down so hard on one person’s life? God: Well, your honor, may I first point out that I work in mad mysterious ways, ways that are so difficult to understand that you’d probably have difficulties understanding them. Her life is not over, who knows what is in store for her next! Judge Snooty: Any response, Ms. Little Suzy? Suzy: I’d just like to point out I’m a huge fan of your show and own all of the box sets. Judge Snooty: I think I’ve heard enough. Any closing arguments, Mr. God? God: Wait, don’t jump to conclusions too quickly. Understand that the fun in a person’s life cannot exist without the anti-fun. Blistertwister: Objection! Why not—if he is the creator of all reality’s rules then why not just tweak that one rule so everything is fun all the time. Judge Snooty: Mr. Blistertwister, that is far too silly of a name for me to accept any of assertions from you as valid. Little Suzy, who is this witness you’ve brought with you today? Little Suzy: His name is Rusty Blomquest, ma’am. Judge Snooty: Mr. Blomquest, stand up. Rusty: I thought you’d never ask, beautiful. You know I like my women like I like my wine— old and directly influential in many famous motor vehicle collision cases. Judge Snooty: Mr. Blomquest, sit down. Rusty: Rusty came, conquered, and made ‘em swoon. (Winks and leaves) Little Suzy: The inclusion of Rusty in my life as one of the few interactions I have on a day- to-day basis is cruel, unnecessary and directly responsible for why I can’t eat onion rings anymore.
9 Judge Snooty: Understandable. God: Oh what the forbidden fruit, that’s a bunch of tomfoolery—he’s a nice boy who just needs a hug… Judge Snooty: God, you will speak when spoken too. God: Whatev. Judge Snooty: Now, in the Bible, it states that the people are your children. Might I ask, is this a historical phenomenon of you mistreating your own offspring with such harrowing fates? God: No comment. Judge Snooty: God, you’ve provided absolutely no viable reasons for me not to vote against you. I find in favor of the plaintiff the amount of, quote, “all God is worth.” Congratulations Suzy, your awful life with Rusty and your outrageously below average looks have finally paid off.
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- Fall '15
- Ms Schauben
- Law, Lawyer, little suzy, Ms. Little Suzy, Mr. Blistertwister