The Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Revised and Updated

I began with nothingnot only that but after i was a

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I am not a rich man, but whatever I have is profit. I began with nothing—not only that, but after I was a few days old, they took something away from me. —G EORGE J ESSEL A small-town doctor routinely performed circumcisions, and got in the habit of saving the foreskins in a jar of formaldehyde. Many years went by, it came time to retire, and the doctor was cleaning out his office when he came across the jar, now completely full. “Why throw it out?” he reasoned. So he took it to the tailor’s shop downstairs with instructions to make whatever he saw fit. Two weeks later the tailor presented him with a beautiful little wallet. “A wallet! That’s all I get after a lifetime of work?” exclaimed the doctor. “There were hundreds and hundreds of foreskins in that jar!” “Relax, Doc, just relax,” said the tailor soothingly. “Rub it for a minute or two and it turns into a suitcase.” An adult man was converting and becoming a Jew. When asked if he minded being circumcised, he replied, “Why not, it’s no skin off my nose.” —R ED B UTTONS What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit? A hare cut. Vaudeville, radio, and television entertainer Eddie Cantor sent this telegram to producer Irving Thalberg after the birth of Thalberg’s first son: “Congratulations on your latest production—I’m sure it will look better after it’s been cut.” —J OEY B ISHOP Anybody here know what you call the man who performs the ritual of the bris? You know what it is? That’s right. A moyel. A moyel. I want to tell you about a man who was walking along the street in New York. He passed by a jewelry shop, walked inside, and said to the owner, “Could you repair my watch?” He said, “I’m sorry, I don’t repair watches.” “You don’t repair watches? What do you do?” “I’m a moyel.” “You’re a moyel? Then why do you put all those watches in the window?” asked the man. He says, “Well, what would you put in the window?” —D R . M URRAY B ANKS College College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend thousands of dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?
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—D AVID W OOD I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could’ve gone to UCLA here in California, but it’s one more letter she’d have to remember. —S HECKY G REENE I was thrown out of NYU. On the metaphysics final I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. —W OODY A LLEN If you’ve never met a student from the University of Chicago, I’ll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, “This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water? And eventually he dies of thirst.” —S HELLEY B ERMAN How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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  • Spring '16
  • ME
  • That that is is that that is not is not is that it it is, Guide dog, little man, —JOEY ADAMS, Friars Club

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