■ Could lead to marriage even if you aren’t ready ■ Age of cohabitation, not cohabitation itself accounts for difference indivorce rates. ■ Moving in before 23 = higher chance of divorce. ■ Current best time to get married is 28-32 ○ Being happily married is very good for health. Outweighs negative effects of smoking ■ being married makes you healthier and live longer because you both will most likely take care of one another . ○ BUT being unhappily married is super bad for health. ● Communication ○ Identify and describe the different positive and negative conflict styles discussed in class ○ Negative ○ Four Horsemen ■ Criticism ● attack on your partner instead of a complaint or critique which focuses on a specific behavior) ■ Contempt ● mean and disrespectful
● attitude of utter disgust or hatred ● sarcasm, name calling, eye rolling, sneering and mockery ■ Defensiveness ● blaming the partner ● it’s not me, it’s definitely you! ■ Stonewalling ● listener withdraws from interaction ● shuts down, closes themselves off from the other ● acts as though they don’t care ● avoidance of not just the fight but the relationship itself ○ Unhappy couples do a poor job saying what they mean. ■ Kitchen-sinking = addressing several problems at once so everything is added to fight. ■ Off-beam = wandering from topic to topic so the conversation never stays on the one problem long enough to resolve it ○ Unhappy couples do a poor job of hearing each other. ■ Mind reading = jumping to conclusions and assuming they know what their partner means. ■ Interrupting = bad when it’s to disagree or changes the subject. Mind reading often leads to interrupting ○ Unhappy Couples always find something wrong . ■ Yes-butting = constantly pointing out critics or flaws in partners ideas or views. ■ Cross-complaining = responding to a complaint with one of their own. ○ Dysfunctional patterns: ■ Demand/withdraw pattern = ● one partner is the demander, seeking change, discussion, or resolution and the other is the withdrawal, seeking to end or avoid discussion. ● More common for women to demand and men to withdraw ● Demand ○ complaints, criticism, pressures for change ● Withdraw
○ halfhearted involvement, changing the topic, avoiding discussion, walking away ○ Positive ○ Correct way to argue: ■ clearly define the problem, ■ avoid generalities ● using you always do this or you never do this ■ use I-statements (describe feelings “you piss me off” rather “I feel really angry right now”). ■ Use this template: “when you do X in situation Y, I feel Z” ○ Use active listening! ■ Paraphrasing ● repeating in your own words and giving your partner a chance to agree that that’s what he or she actually meant ■ perception checking ● assessing the accuracy of your inferences about your partner’s feeling ■ respect and validation ● acknowledge the legitimacy of your partner's opinions and communicate respect for their position ■ Focus on emotions ● sharing them and encourage your partner share their own ■ Speak for yourself ● allow your partner to speak for them ● Relationships and Health ○ Happy relationships are protective; unhappy are not ○ It’s better for health to be single than unhappily married ● Negative Conflict Tactics ○
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- Spring '08