A return to normal living a renewed sense of self

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A return to normal living A renewed sense of self (Hazan & Shaver, 1994; Lewandowski & Bizzoco, 2007) o Among dating couples The closer and longer the relationship and the fewer the available alternatives the more painful the breakup (Simpson, 1987) o Baumeister and Wotman (1992) report that Months or years later People recall more pain over spurning someone’s love than over having been spurned Their distress arises from guilt over hurting someone From upset over the heartbroken lover’s persistence From uncertainty over how to respond o When relationships suffer Those without better alternatives or who feel invested in a relationship (through time, energy, mutual friends, possessions, and perhaps children) will seek alternatives to exiting the relationship Rusbult and others (1986) Explored three ways of coping with a failing relationship Some people exhibit loyalty By waiting for conditions to improve The problems are too painful to confront and the risks of separation are too great So the loyal partner perseveres, hoping the good old days will return Others (especially men) exhibit neglect They ignore the partner and allow the relationship to deteriorate With painful dissatisfactions ignored
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An insidious emotional uncoupling ensues as the partners talk less and begin redefining their lives without each other Still others will voice their concerns and take active steps to improve the relationship by discussing problems Seeking advice Attempting to change o Healthy marriages were not necessarily devoid of conflict (Gottman, 1994) They were marked by an ability to reconcile differences To overbalance criticism with affection Positive interactions outnumbered negative interactions o Not distress and arguments that predict divorce (Huston & others, 2002) Rather it is coldness, disillusionment and hopelessness o Successful couples have learned Sometimes aided by communication training To restrain the poisonous put-downs and gut-level reactions They fight fairly (by stating feelings without insulting) They depersonalize conflict with comments such as “I know it’s not your fault” (Markman & others, 1988; Notarius & Markman, 1993; Yovetich & Rusbult, 1994) o Kellerman, Lewis, and Laird (1989) They knew that among couples passionately in love, eye gazing is typically prolonged and mutual (Rubin, 1973) Would intimate eye gazing similarly stir feelings between those not in love (much as 45 minutes of escalating self-disclosure evoked feelings of closeness among those unacquainted students)? They asked unacquainted male-female pairs to gaze intently for two minutes either at each other’s hands or into each other’s eyes When they separated, the eye gazers reported a tingle of attraction and affection toward each other Simulating love had begun to stir it o Initial romance can evolve into enduring love (Sternberg, 1988)
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  • Fall '16
  • The Hours, partner, Interpersonal relationship, Interpersonal attraction,  Feel

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